dont confuse a delay with a dead end

if you have been following our story .. some of this will be redundant .. but this is a summary of our adoption journey from start to baby LG ..

it seems like this has been an extremely long journey for us. while three years isn’t so long in the entirety of life .. we have been through a lot in the three years we have been on our adoption journey. God has taught us so many things along the way but i think the most consistent message has been to wait for the Lord and trust in His timing. 

everything started out moving very quickly. one thing i didnt anticipate when RT and i realized that the Lord was calling us to adopt was the immense amount of paperwork that would have to be completed. but .. i was able to work consistently and diligently for two to three weeks and get everything completed. we then waited a month or so before we had our first home study visit and within the same week that we were home study approved .. we received the life changing news that we had been matched. 

our first match was with the very first birth mother to whom we were ever presented. we were on cloud nine and our baby was expected to be due about two months from the time we were matched. we immediately started preparing our hearts and our home for the baby we longed for so desperately. 

the relationship that i .. in particular.. had with the first woman we were matched with was extremely open. she and i texted back and forth all day everyday .. we talked on the phone several times a week .. and when we were told that she was having contractions we got in the car .. drove to her apartment and spent the weekend with her.

unfortunately .. the match failed and .. as it turns out .. the woman we were matched with was never actually pregnant. it was an extremely traumatic time for RT and me. while we were matched with her .. i felt like everything was falling into place just right and i thought it was a sign that this was right where God wanted us to be. looking back now i can see all the red flags. i do believe that was an experience that we needed to have .. i don’t know why yet but i know it was not for nothing. 

we prayed and prayed and knew that God intended to use adoption to not just grow our family .. but to continue to impact our lives. so .. when our hearts were ready .. we let go of all of our fears and began presenting to birth moms again. this time we presented to a few women before we received the news that we had been matched again.  this match was a little longer. the baby was due four months from the time we were matched. we had an open relationship with our second birth mother as well but she was not near as communicative. she and i texted once or twice a week and we talked on the phone once a month or so. RT and i took a trip out to meet her and then right before her due date .. my mom and i (and quickly my dad and RT too) went back to her home town in hopes to spend some more time with her in the days before the baby was due. 

that is when i started to get nervous. she was responding to all of my texts but was not willing to see us. we spent ten days away from home before receiving the news that the birth mom we were matched with had delivered her baby girl and had chosen to parent. shoved right back into the depths of complete sadness and despair and hopelessness .. we began our ten hour drive home with an empty car seat buckled in the back. the devastation was overwhelming. but .. again we laid our feelings at the feet of our Lord and allowed Him to heal our hearts. 

a few months later i delivered a biological daughter .. the littlest .. and we spent the next year focussing on her. so excited to finally be parents and soaking up every bit of our little girl that we could. we always knew that our adoption journey wasnt over but we needed to take a time out and enjoy finally being parents. 

right around the littlest first birthday .. we decided that we were ready to get back into the adoption process. she was young enough that we were prepared to wait for a situation that seemed just right for us. we felt we could only consider short term matches in an effort to guard our hearts so we knew it might take a little while. 

we reviewed and prayed about many birth moms. we presented to a few but none were the right fit for us. then .. i received an email about a woman who was pregnant but not due for five months. as i always did .. i read through her information and prayed over her and her baby. this woman was everything we could have ever hoped for in a birth mom .. but since she wasnt due for so long .. i decided this wasnt the right situation for us. i did continue to think about her throughout that day so i sent the email about her to RT. he and i talked and prayed about this situation extensively but ended up decided that we couldnt handle being vulnerable to another birth mom for such a long time. 

two weeks later i received another email about the same birth mom saying that they hadnt found a match for this woman yet and were still looking for a potential adoptive family for her child. 

hello God! 

is that you? 

tapping me on the shoulder saying .. hey you dummies! 

get it together! 

this is your baby! 

we talked about her again .. contacted susan (our adoption consultant) and talked through our concerns with her .. talked to the case worker who was working with this birth mom and eventually decided that we wanted to present and hopefully be matched with this mom. a few days later we received the news that we had been chosen!! this was going to be our baby. praise God!!

and then .. another major development ..

three days after we were matched .. i found out that i was pregnant again. due four months after our birth mom. for RT and i .. once we decide to present to a birth mom .. and especially once we are matched .. we feel like that baby is ours

is a part of our family

just the same as if I were pregnant

so .. backing out of the adoption was never a consideration. nervously .. we contacted the adoption agency and let them know i was pregnant. we prayed and prayed as they spoke with the birth mom that she would be ok with it and would still allow us to adopt her child. two days later we talked with the case worker for our situation. she talked us through our birth mom’s concerns but .. in the end .. gave us the weight lifting news that our birth mom was ok with it as long as we were.

praise God!! we still had the chance to adopt this precious baby! this was a closed adoption situation so it was very different for us to have absolutely no contact with our birth mom. we spent the next five months praying and hoping and truly letting ourselves be vulnerable to this situation and excited for the baby that would be joining our family very soon.

and then the day came .. i received a phone call that our birth mom was in labor. we started making travel plans immediately and within a few hours were on a plane with our older daughter and my parents headed to meet our new addition. at just after nine o’clock that night .. RT and i peered through the nursery window at our brand new baby daughter. 

the feeling was indescribable!!

we couldn’t go in and hold her until the next morning but it didn’t matter. looking at her ..i knew she was meant to be our daughter. 

over the next three days .. we spent hour upon hour in the nursery at the hospital snuggling our baby girl. on the last day .. my nerves were high but i kept praying and felt confident that this was all going to work out. 

i prayed for calm in all of our hearts 

i prayed for God to make sure that this perfect little girl ended up right where she was supposed to be

i prayed for our birth mom

even though we never met her .. i prayed she would somehow feel how much we love and respect and appreciate her

her bravery and selflessness leave me in awe!! 

she is a true hero in our lives!!

late that night .. we walked out of the hospital with the same car seat from before .. except this time .. it wasn’t empty

this time .. our daughter was in it and we were taking her home
we didn’t get to bring her home to our house for another week since she was born in a different state but now .. as i write this .. we are comfortably home and she is sound asleep on my chest. it is the best feeling a mom can have. 

as you can tell from our story .. adoption doesnt always go perfectly smooth and easy. while no ones story is without loss and heartache .. sometimes a couples first match works out and sometimes the process is long and treacherous. but .. i am now living Gods redemption from our previous heart breaks. now i know that our other two matches didnt work out because this little girl was the one who was supposed to be our daughter. it is most important to know that the call to adoption is from God and to stay faithful and strong throughout the process.

when we first realized that we were meant to adopt .. we didn’t know where to start. there is a big agency in our hometown that we looked into working with but it wasnt the right fit for us. we looked into adoption attorneys in the area that we could use if we heard about someone who was interested in placing a child and wasnt yet working with an agency but that seemed like a lot was going to be left up to chance and circumstance. then .. my aunt told us that a good friend of hers knew of a consultant with christian adoption consultants that she could put me in contact with if i wanted her to. i looked CAC up online and just knew this was the best route for us. 

now .. having gone through everything that we did .. i cant imagine every going through adoption without a consultant. the agencies that the birth moms are working with care about the adoptive families but .. in the end .. their relationship is mainly with the birth mom. so having susan in our corner was priceless. and having a professional that is always willing to answer your emails texts and phone calls is incredible. we knew nothing about adoption when the process started and i have leaned on susan so much for knowledge and information and support. knowing that she is there for us is something we cherish immensely. 

when i look back at where we were and who we were when all of this started almost three years ago .. it is hard to believe we survived. i dont consider myself an emotionally strong woman. truthfully .. i am emotionally driven most of the time. but i have learned that i am much stronger than i thought. i have learned from experience that God never allows you to get yourself into anything that you wont be able to endure with His help. RT and i have continued to grow closer and closer to God and each other. we are better and stronger both together and individually. our hearts and our home are full and happy. our family could never have been complete without the adoption of our precious baby daughter. 

happy wednesday!!

growing

soon my family of 3 .. 5 if you count the dogs .. which we do .. will be a family of 7
crazy right?!?

i think it was right around the littlest'  first birthday we decided we were ready to open our hearts up to adoption again
we talked with our consultant .. updated our home study  .. and began reading about birth mommas

it was a different process for us this time .. as has been our experience each time
we presented to several moms before we were matched
we got the call saying we had been matched on monday december 28
our baby is due to be born at the first of may
we were ecstatic when we heard the news and immediately began celebrating and planning and praying for this birth mom and her baby

then .. 3 days later .. on thursday december 31 .. i took a pregnancy test
positive

if you know our story then you know that, medically, we have a zero percent chance of becoming pregnant naturally
we have done the testing many many times
science says no .. God says yes!!

we were not at all expecting to ever be pregnant again
and when we decided to present to our birth mom i wasn't late so it wasn't on our radar

but things changed .. quickly!!
we let our agency know that we are pregnant but still very much want to adopt this sweet baby
they talked to the birth mom and she said that if we are sure and feel realistically prepared .. then she is still confident that we are the family for her baby

so .. God willing .. in a very few short weeks .. we will have our second precious baby in our arms
and then at the beginning of september we will have our third precious baby in our arms

it's about to get real busy around our house
and we couldn't be more excited for it!!

happy tuesday!!

broken together

this past sunday was valentine's day and we started our marriage series at church
this is a series we do every year in february and it is always one of my favorites
one of the couples in our church shared their story of loss and heart break and then they sang a song called broken together

i sat and listened with tears running down my cheeks
it is not unusual for me to cry during worship
i enjoy the messages so much but often the songs are what pierce right to my heart

i couldn't relate to this couple's exact situation
but i can relate to being broken together in a relationship

"the only way we will last forever is broken together"

i realize RT and i are still just starting out in our marriage
but we have lived a lot of life in our few short years
and sadly we have experienced a lot of sadness

luckily we have been broken together
while i am sure that we had our times that we felt at odds with each other
when i think through our family building journey up to this point .. we have been together
a team
supporting each other and lifting each other up

there have been times when i personally felt that there was no way i could be lower
no way i could feel more sad
more heart broken
more discouraged
you name it

but .. i was constantly getting closer to my husband
infertility and failed adoptions can make you feel so alone and isolated
even though others have experienced something similar .. they haven't lived your story
but RT and i were living our story together
he knew exactly where i was emotionally because he was in the trenches with me

so on this tuesday after valentine's day i celebrate my husband
he is my ultimate partner in life
he is my true love
he is the only person with whom i would ever want to be broken together

happy tuesday!!

wait patiently

psalm 40:1-2

i waited patiently for the Lord

He turned to me and heard my cry

He lifted me out of the slimy pit

out of the mud and mire 

He set my feet on a rock

and gave me a firm place to stand

this verse keeps coming back to me

it has recently been the verse of the day on my bible app .. it has been part of my daily bible study that comes to my email (twice!)

do you think God is trying to tell me something??

WAIT FOR ME YOU DUM DUM!!

look at your baby and delight in my timing

I know best

WAIT FOR ME!!

i know God .. i am trying .. and i am failing miserably <ha!>

my head knows that i want to wait for the Lord. that He knows what my family looks like in its completion. He knows who the littlest's siblings will be and when we will get to meet them

my heart on the other hand ..

it has a hard time

my heart is open and ready for that baby

my heart is raw and vulnerable

my heart is anxious and feels doubtful and sad

how can i align my head and my heart??

i know the right answer .. give it to God .. focus on His word .. wait patiently for Him .. pray! pray! pray! .. i am trying .. admittedly it is really hard!!

wait patiently for the Lord

He turned to me and heard my cry

He lifted me out of the slimy pit

out of the mud and mire 

He set my feet on a rock

and gave me a firm place to stand

psalm 40:1-2

happy wednesday!!

you've got no mail

you have all seen the movie you’ve got mail right??

you know that line at the very beginning when kathleen kelly {meg ryan} says ..

what will ny152 say today .. i wonder

i turn on my computer

i wait impatiently as it connects

i go online .. and my breath catches in my chest until i hear three little words

you’ve got mail

i hear nothing

not even a sound on the streets of new york

just the beating of my own heart

i have mail

from you

that is a pretty accurate description of how i feel every thirty seconds when i check my email

for that brief instant as my mail refreshes

i hold my breath and my heart rate speeds up

the anticipation is immense 

but the difference is that i am not waiting on an email from a crush

i am waiting on an email from our adoption consultant

an email about a birth mom 

possibly our birth mom

who is carrying what could be our baby

but for the last ten days or so the silence in my inbox has been deafening

i wait with anticipation as the little ticker swirls and i pray that susan’s email address will pop up

that i will have something .. anything .. from her

this wait is intense 

and sometimes too hard

but we keep going

we keep waiting

because that is who we are

we persevere

and have faith

so .. for now .. i have no mail

but someday i will

happy thursday!!

what not to say to someone who is adopting

i was at a birthday party a few nights ago and as the littlest was tottling around with all of the other kids .. the person sitting next to me commented on how cute she is and asked if RT and i want more kids

i told her that we do and that we are in the process of adopting

to which she kind of laughed and said .. oh so you will get pregnant again

she went on to say that exact same thing again later when i was asked by another person

just in case any of you every know someone who is adopting .. this is the wrong thing to say

i was nice in response and simply said .. our hearts are very invested in adoption and we really want to grow our family in that way .. but really i wanted to give her a dirty look and walk away without responding at all {and if i am really honest i also wanted to stick my tongue out at her like a two year old before i walked away}

i know she wasn’t trying to offend me which is why i chose not to be ugly to her and i know some of you might think i am a blogging contradiction right now because i did get pregnant while in the process of adopting

but .. just so you know .. making the choice to adopt is a very thoughtful decision

no one in their right mind would ever decide to adopt for the sole purpose of getting pregnant

first of all .. the adoption process can be very long

is for sure extremely emotional 

and is also a large financial commitment

second of all .. a person who is adopting is doing so because they have a strong desireand feel very committed to and invested in the process

and third of all .. that just makes no sense

yes .. RT and i have infertility issues

yes .. we were told we could not get pregnant 

and yes .. we did end up getting pregnant while we were in the process of adopting

but .. getting pregnant was not a result of choosing to adopt

it never is 

for anyone

the two are mutually exclusive

and suggesting otherwise is not cute or funny .. it is offensive

no matter how many people you have known who have gotten pregnant while adopting

i will now step down off of my soap box but i thought it best for me to tell you so that you don’t make this same unintentionally unkind mistake

you. are. welcome. {ha!}

happy thursday!!

will we be the ones

my palms are clammy
i keep subconsciously rubbing them on the thighs of my pants

my heart is thundering
so loud i can hear it in my ears

the butterflies in my stomach are going crazy
its like they are nervous too
flitting around at hyper speed

sometime this morning a birth mom is going to view our family profile
last i heard .. there are three other families she will be reading about too

this is the first time we have sent our profile to be viewed since before the littlest was born

for a few weeks now it has been real .. it has been a possibility

but now we truly have a fighting chance to be this baby's family .. to be this birth mom's family

i am nervous
i am excited
i am scared
i am hopeful

will we stand out??
will we be good enough??
will we be the right family for her .. for her baby??

i truly truly hope so!!
we will know soon :)

happy tuesday!!

the horse

we started the paperwork to update our home study to be able to get back on the proverbial adoption horse back in february

the first time we filled out all of that paperwork it took me about ten days

this time we finished it in mid may 

there were several reasons for the extremely drawn out process most of which is that with a little one to play with there just isn't a lot of time to sit and fill out paperwork

and working all the different appointments needed for finger prints and health checks and yada yada around her schedule was super hard

but we did finally finish it all .. had our visit with our super awesome social worker .. and had our equally super awesome consultant update our profile

so now we are firmly back on said horse

it is different this time

with the littlest at home we don't have the insane sense of urgency that we had before

we feel ready for whatever God has planned for us but are not in a hurry necessarily

but what is the same that .. i didn't expect .. is the consummation of the process

it instantly fills your head on a very constant basis

i check my email no less that five million times a day just in case there is something from susan regarding a birth mom
while we don't feel in a hurry i do feel impatient .. if that makes any sense at all
i don't just want to say we are ready .. i want to be back in the thick of it

our hearts and our home is open to whatever happens
like always .. the best news of all is that i am not in control

bring it on us God .. we want what you want

happy monday!!

maybe

maybe you are tired of reading about the i word and ivf and adoption

maybe you think i am living in the past

maybe you think i am unappreciative of the littlest

maybe you think i no longer have the right to write about the i word at all because we have the littlest

maybe

but i don't care

and i don't mean that as rude as it sounds

my truth is thatthe i word and ivf and adoption are our past and they are also our present and our future

my truth is that the littlest is an extreme joy and light in my life

she brought be happiness and healing in a time when i needed it most

i bask in blessing that she is in my life constantly and i praise God for her every minute of every day

so i am going to keep posting about the I word and ivf and adoption

and also the littlest and RT and the dogs and fashion and food and whatever else 

maybe you won't like that

maybe you will

i hope you do ;)

happy wednesday!!

plans

on sunday in church our pastor was talking about GOD's plan versus our plan
sometimes when i am sitting in church i feel like i might as well be sitting in there with a spotlight over me and the pastor turned talking directly to me and never even acknowledging the rest of the people
do you ever feel that way??

if you were to ask me who's plan i prefer .. mine or GOD's i would say GOD's every time
in my head and in my heart i know that for a fact

and yet i instinctively try to be in control
i want to plan out every second of my life and i feel like GOD should just go along with that

i want good things
things i think GOD wants for me
i want health and happiness for the people that i love
i want financial security for the people that i love
i want my little family to continue to grow
and on and on .. ya know .. stuff like that

good stuff right??

the problem isn't what my wants are
the problem is my need to control the timing of everything

our i word issues are the most prominent example in my life so far ..
RT and i had a plan .. we would get pregnant in august of 2012
and then again a couple of years later
and then a couple of years after that

and then our plan changed {notice it was still our plan}
ivf would work
so we would get pregnant in april of 2013

and then our plan changed again
ivf would work
so we would get pregnant in july of 2013

and then our plan changed again
adoption would work {we still hope that it will}
and our baby would join our family in November 2013

and then our plan changed again
adoption would work {we still hope that it will}
and our baby would join our family in April 2014

and all the while GOD was shaking his head at us and telling us to just trust HIM because we would have our first baby in September 2014

i prayed all the time during all of that
i read my bible and worked through multiple devotionals
i wanted to be close to GOD
i wanted to feel HIS love
but i wasn't listening
that is key!!

and embarrassingly i don't think i ever began to listen in that particular situation .. i just quit talking to GOD about the i word for a while and started praising HIM for the littlest
ugh!

so .. as i continue to work through the paperwork to update everything so that we are current with all of our adoption stuff .. i am trying to shut up and listen
because HIS plan is better than mine
no matter what
every. single. time.

wish me luck :)

happy Tuesday!!

the misfit box

top: trina turk
jacket: joie
pants: rich+skinny
shoes: dv by dolce vita
hat: target

today i printed out all of the paperwork that RT and i will have to fill out in order to update our home study so that .. when we are ready .. we can open our hearts to the next adoption situation and some new emotions have surfaced

in building our family we have found ourselves in three different "boxes"

the first box is the one for those who start trying .. get pregnant .. and have their baby

we never fit in that box but we thought we would right at first {as i guess everyone does}

the second is the infertile box .. there are lots of types of infertility but we fit securely in this box .. the weird thing is that i kinda feel like a misfit now because we did get pregnant .. and even more than that we did so naturally 

the third is the adoption box .. we also fit securely in this box because we are very passionate about adoption and definitely want to have at least one adopted child but i feel like a misfit because both of our adoptions have failed so far 

it is the strangest feeling

it takes me back to every girl's awkward middle school years when all she wants is to fit in

i don't want my family to be any different than it is so far and i have gotten to a place  where i am still sad and hurt and angry about the events of our past but i am also grateful for them because we are who we are as a family because of our past

but i do feel like an outcast of all of the "boxes" i have been in recently

being a misfit is always a bit awkward and uncomfortable

maybe that's the point .. who knows

happy Thursday!!

to you .. who are waiting

waiting for a little one

allow me to say two words that will surely make you cringe ..
i understand

now let me explain ..

i understand that i don't understand
i understand that no matter what your story is .. it is yours alone and nobody else's is quite like it
i understand that you are in pain
that you are angry
that you are sad
that you have so many emotions coursing through you that you feel like you might explode

i understand that your situation seems hopeless
i understand that nothing anyone says makes you feel better
i understand that you are in darkness and can't find the light
right now .. it's not a tunnel with an end .. it's an inescapable pit

i understand that to you .. i am no longer like you .. i am one of the lucky ones who has a baby
so i won't try to tell you that i get what your going through
like you .. my story is mine alone
but i will tell you that i hate what you are enduring
nobody deserves it
unfortunately that doesn't matter
way to many of us walk the painful waiting path

so even though this will sound cliche .. try to find comfort in the fact that someday you will find the light in your little one

until then ..
know that you are not as alone as you feel
even if i don't know you or your story
you are heavy on my heart and in my prayers

happy monday!!

another year down

another year has come to a close and as i sat down to write this post i began reflecting on the events of the last year

it is hard to believe so much happened in just one year's time

there was lots of good and lots of bad

lots of happy and lots of sad

i suppose that is just how life goes

we started twenty fourteen newly matched with B and feeling hopeful for the first time since all of the hooplah that happened with M

sadly .. after having her baby she decided to parent

i still think about that baby girl every single day

after living with my parents for a year we moved back into our newly renovated house and we couldn't be happier with the outcome

we lost both of RT's grandfathers last year

the grief is immense 

their memories live on in our hearts

we found out i was pregnant .. against all medical odds .. with our tiny baby girl and spent much of the year going to doctors appointments and preparing to be parents 

i made the seemingly impossible decision to leave my job that i loved at the hoop to go back to work for my mom

that choice was the right one but is still bittersweet

of course the most important and exciting thing that happened in twenty fourteen was the birth of the littlest .. we could not be more in love with her and i am in a constant state of thanks that she is ours .. that i get to be this perfect baby girl's mommy

i am very interested to see what twenty fifteen will bring

if i have learned anything it is that life is unpredictable 

but .. unpredictable can be very very good :)

happy new year to you all!!

the close

dress: tory richard

belt: hand me down from my nana

shoes: dolce vita

as i reach the end of this pregnancy journey .. i am experiencing so many emotions .. woohoo hormones!

i am so thankful to have had the opportunity to carry this baby girl!!
i didn't think i would ever get to do that and it has been so incredibly enjoyable!!

if i never had .. that would be ok too .. you all know my passion for adoption and i by no means feel like biological relation is what makes up a family
we will absolutely have a family made up of both adopted and biological children
but i am still in awe of my GOD for choosing me to experience this miracle pregnancy
and that is exactly what it is .. we have been back to the infertility specialist and according to medical science .. we still have a 0% chance of becoming pregnant on our own

it's not luck you guys .. it's GOD

i am so excited to meet her

i am honestly kind of sad that i won't be pregnant anymore 

i am nervous about labor and delivery

i am nervous and excited about how this is going to change everything

but mostly i can't wait to get to hold her in my arms and for RT to get to hold her too

to just look into her eyes and finally have our baby

i look back at the last two years and can't believe all that we have been through

the summer we spent talking through wether or not we wanted to start trying to get pregnant

the three months we tried before RT suggested we see someone

the i word diagnosis

the first .. and then second .. failed rounds of ivf

the decision to start the adoption process

the match with M who turned out to have never been pregnant in the first place 

the match with B who decided to parent after having her baby

and now here we are .. on the very cusp of meeting our daughter

we have endured more than i would have ever thought i was capable of

i have felt pain and sadness and hurt and anger to extents that seem unreal 

but i have also felt hope and encouragement and excitement and faith

and every single bit of it is what got us to this place 

this place where our family of two becomes three {really six because the dogs are family too}

happy friday to all of you!!

i will be back after this little one shows her beautiful face :)

for breath

top: joie

skirt: bobi

shoes {even though you can't see them}: dolce vita

lately .. i often find myself gasping for breath

people tell me i am strong

strong to have endured everything we have endured
strong to keep going day after day
strong to stay positive

but i don't always feel strong

i often feel suffocated .. 

suffocated by the devastation that i still feel from the two failed rounds of ivf that we endured
that seems so long ago now and yet the wound is still so raw
we were so confident on that path
but {at least so far} we were let down

suffocated by the devastation of both failed adoptions
and even by the sadness of presenting to a birth mom that you hope and pray will choose you .. but then she doesn't .. suffocated by the rejection .. why weren't we the ones?? why weren't we good enough??

and surprisingly .. even suffocated by this miracle pregnancy

it is no secret to those who know me that i suffer from a severe anxiety disorder
i get over anxious about things that most people don't even think twice about
it is something i have learned to live with and deal with in as healthy a way as possible

it is part of who i am

normally .. when i have bad anxiety i am able to take medication
but with the pregnancy .. i haven't wanted to take anything
my dr did prescribe something that i could take safely while pregnant but the one time i took it .. the added anxiety of taking the pill made things way worse not better at all .. so i won't be doing that again

anyway .. ever since B decided to parent .. my anxiety has been out of control
i am terrified that something will go wrong with the baby girl i am carrying
all of my dr appointments have been normal but i am still so scared

we have been so close to getting a baby so many times
so incredibly confident in each process we have been a part of
so open with our hearts and our minds
and every single time the dream gets taken from us
whether at the beginning {which was the case with the failed rounds of ivf}
or at the very very end {which has been our experience with adoption so far}

the fear that something awful will happen with this baby girl is consuming
i am even having vivid nightmares about it

i have never wished time away so much in my life
september will never get here fast enough

i don't understand this path that RT and i are on
i don't understand the pain
the heart break
the disappointment
the anxiety
and honestly i don't think i ever will understand

we just keep going
day after day
putting one step in front of the other
because that is the only choice right?!?

i feel suffocated and yet somehow i continue to breathe

wishing for calm this friday ..

can't stop thinking about her

top: parker

bottoms: citizens of humanity

shoes: circus by sam edelman

all she knew was that once they took her from her

life would go back to being unendurable

except .. and this was the worst part .. she would in fact endure it

it wouldn't kill her

she'd keep living day after day after day

an endless loop of sunrises and sunsets

{liane moriarity: the husband's secret}