Wednesday, December 7, 2016

slow moments

tonight i stood in my kitchen with my bitty girl high on one shoulder right where she likes to be alternating between stirring the dinner i was making for my sweet tiny family and sipping a delicious glass of red wine

i swayed and sang along to the frank sinatra christmas pandora playing in the background and peered into the mirrored backsplash behind my stove to see RT and the littlest laughing and dancing to the music and LG happily watching and eating puffs from her seat

this was one of those picture perfect moments

one of those moments that literally slows time and forces you to realize just how wonderful the life you are living truly is

these moments are a treasure amongst the crazy busyness that is the reality of having three tiny babes

mostly we are running around here attending to this and that and just hoping for a full nights sleep  an extra cup of coffee a chance to brush our teeth and maybe even take a shower

our girls are wonderful happy healthy babies but three kids two and under requires an incredible amount of teamwork an unattainable number of hands and more hours than there are in the day

so when you get a chance to stop take a deep breath and admire your world .. it's pretty freaking great!!

happy wednesday!!

Thursday, November 17, 2016

two minutes for forever

three years ago i wrote this ..

i love a child i have never met
          i love their mother too
                    more than i really know how to express
                                     is that hard to understand?

somewhere out there is a woman who is either already pregnant 
or will become pregnant with the baby that RT and i will get to raise
she is my hero

i feel like as humans we are selfish by nature
we simply think of ourselves first .. even if we wish we didn't
but the birth mom of our child will put herself second in order to make an adoption plan for her baby

can you even imagine?!?

for whatever reasons .. she will decide that her baby will get to have the life that she deeply desires for them by going to live with someone else .. with us

the magnitude of that is hard for me to wrap my brain around

she loves her baby so much that she will be willing to let us raise him/her .. and one thing is for sure .. our baby will know that about their mother. they will know how much she loves them. they will know that is why they live with us .. that is why we get to be their mom and dad

she is not giving up on her child
she is not weak and unwilling

she is the exact opposite
she is giving up herself for her child
          she is the strongest most willing person
                    strong enough to make an adoption plan to let us raise her child
                               willing enough to think objectively about what she truly wants for her baby

i adore them both and i can't wait to meet them so that we can all become a family ..

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 

this morning .. RT LG and i spent two minutes on a call to a hearing in nevada that legally made LG our daughter
she is now legally recognized as who she has always been .. our daughter

i now know the child i wrote about three years ago 
i know her and love her on this deep mother.daughter level that .. at that time .. i didn't even understand
and i love her tummy mommy even more than i knew i would 

on this day .. all of my feelings and opinions about LGs tummy mommy are the same .. i am just even more passionate about them now 

she is selfless
she is strong
she is brave
she is my hero

because of her .. my family is complete in a way it could have never been without LG
because of her .. i held our daughter and wept the happiest tears as the judge decreed that our family is legal
because of her .. we will celebrate this day .. november seventeenth .. right in the middle of national adoption month .. as one of the most special days in our family history

it is a happy happy day!!

Wednesday, August 31, 2016

and baby makes three

babies that is .. baby makes three babies

as i sit this morning .. feeding my youngest peeking in on my middle girl while she sleeps and enjoying the sounds of my oldest as she runs around in all her glory .. i can.t help but wonder what our newest girl will be like

we welcomed our bitty girl exactly one week ago and i am curious because her older sisters are so very different ..

the littlest is my preshy little sour patch girl .. she is mostly sweet and everyone loves her but she can have a sour side too .. she is busy busy busy and talk talk talks to everyone about everything .. she is tons of fun and has no fear .. she wants to know our limits and often pushes them just to see .. she loves her routine and to have everything in its proper place .. she is fiercely independent but loves her people so much .. i adore her with every bit of my heart and soul!!

LG is my soft and sweet girl .. she is almost always happy and hands out her full face smiles to anyone anytime .. she is calm cool and collected and is content to go with the flow .. she loves to watch her sister run around and play .. she loves to be snuggled in close and loved on .. she is starting to babble and coo and even gives the occasional giggle .. she is a serene presence in our home .. my heart explodes with so much love for her that it often brings me to tears!!

so who will you be baby girl number three??
we are so excited that you are here and that we will soon find out!!

happy wednesday from this house full of girls!!

Friday, August 12, 2016


*getting a picture of them both looking happy at the camera at the same time is basically impossible*
with the olympics in full swing and the US women's gymnastics team doing so well .. i have been surprised by how much focus has been put on the fact that simone biles' parents are biologically her grandparents
i dont at all see why this matters or what it could possibly have to do with her gymnastics ability but none the less people seem stunted by the fact that her mom and dad are not her birth parents

as a mom of an adopted daughter i know we will face similar comments and questions for the rest of our lives and that makes me sad
it has already started in full force due to the fact that i am so pregnant 
people want an explanation .. how can all of these children possibly be yours?!?

while i am so thankful for adoption and how it is building my family .. i do not want it to separate LG from the rest of us in any way 
yes she was adopted but i am her real mom
RT is her real dad
the littlest is her real sister

she has been in our arms .. in our family .. in our home since the second she took her first breath
she has been in our hearts since we first learned of her last december 
she is just as much a part of our family as any of the rest of us
she is just lucky enough to also have a tummy mommy who loves her so desperately that she made the impossible choice to place her daughter with us

i never want LG to feel ashamed of the fact that she was adopted
as a family .. we will always celebrate the way she came to be one of us
and we will celebrate her tummy mommy every single day

but i also dont want to have to qualify the make up of my family by explaining that LG was adopted
so i pray for the ability to do both
and for the ability to raise her to be confident in where she comes from .. who she is .. and who she becomes

happy friday!!

Tuesday, June 28, 2016

sisters sisters there were never such devoted sisters

as we neared the birth of LG .. RT and i worried some about how the littlest would react and adjust to having a baby sister .. to not being the only baby in our house

luckily .. she has truly loved it
that is not to say that she is alway as kind and gentle as we would like for her to be
sometimes she jerks LGs paci out of her mouth just and she is falling asleep
or "pats" her a little too aggressively
but mostly she is all about her baby sister

when i go up to her room to get her out of bed in the mornings or after her nap .. LG is the first person she asks about
she loves to kiss her on the head and she is constantly showing LG off to anyone around

as the due date for the next baby sister in our house quickly approaches .. i am incredibly thankful for and excited about the bond that these girls will have
they are coming fast and furious but i am hoping that means they will be the best of friends

so far so good as just the other morning the littlest and LG were having their milk and watching cartoons and the littlest wanted to "hole hans" with her baby sister

i love them so much!!
happy tuesday!!

Wednesday, May 25, 2016

dont confuse a delay with a dead end

if you have been following our story .. some of this will be redundant .. but this is a summary of our adoption journey from start to baby LG ..
it seems like this has been an extremely long journey for us. while three years isn’t so long in the entirety of life .. we have been through a lot in the three years we have been on our adoption journey. God has taught us so many things along the way but i think the most consistent message has been to wait for the Lord and trust in His timing. 
everything started out moving very quickly. one thing i didnt anticipate when RT and i realized that the Lord was calling us to adopt was the immense amount of paperwork that would have to be completed. but .. i was able to work consistently and diligently for two to three weeks and get everything completed. we then waited a month or so before we had our first home study visit and within the same week that we were home study approved .. we received the life changing news that we had been matched. 
our first match was with the very first birth mother to whom we were ever presented. we were on cloud nine and our baby was expected to be due about two months from the time we were matched. we immediately started preparing our hearts and our home for the baby we longed for so desperately. 
the relationship that i .. in particular.. had with the first woman we were matched with was extremely open. she and i texted back and forth all day everyday .. we talked on the phone several times a week .. and when we were told that she was having contractions we got in the car .. drove to her apartment and spent the weekend with her.
unfortunately .. the match failed and .. as it turns out .. the woman we were matched with was never actually pregnant. it was an extremely traumatic time for RT and me. while we were matched with her .. i felt like everything was falling into place just right and i thought it was a sign that this was right where God wanted us to be. looking back now i can see all the red flags. i do believe that was an experience that we needed to have .. i don’t know why yet but i know it was not for nothing. 
we prayed and prayed and knew that God intended to use adoption to not just grow our family .. but to continue to impact our lives. so .. when our hearts were ready .. we let go of all of our fears and began presenting to birth moms again. this time we presented to a few women before we received the news that we had been matched again.  this match was a little longer. the baby was due four months from the time we were matched. we had an open relationship with our second birth mother as well but she was not near as communicative. she and i texted once or twice a week and we talked on the phone once a month or so. RT and i took a trip out to meet her and then right before her due date .. my mom and i (and quickly my dad and RT too) went back to her home town in hopes to spend some more time with her in the days before the baby was due. 
that is when i started to get nervous. she was responding to all of my texts but was not willing to see us. we spent ten days away from home before receiving the news that the birth mom we were matched with had delivered her baby girl and had chosen to parent. shoved right back into the depths of complete sadness and despair and hopelessness .. we began our ten hour drive home with an empty car seat buckled in the back. the devastation was overwhelming. but .. again we laid our feelings at the feet of our Lord and allowed Him to heal our hearts. 
a few months later i delivered a biological daughter .. the littlest .. and we spent the next year focussing on her. so excited to finally be parents and soaking up every bit of our little girl that we could. we always knew that our adoption journey wasnt over but we needed to take a time out and enjoy finally being parents. 
right around the littlest first birthday .. we decided that we were ready to get back into the adoption process. she was young enough that we were prepared to wait for a situation that seemed just right for us. we felt we could only consider short term matches in an effort to guard our hearts so we knew it might take a little while. 
we reviewed and prayed about many birth moms. we presented to a few but none were the right fit for us. then .. i received an email about a woman who was pregnant but not due for five months. as i always did .. i read through her information and prayed over her and her baby. this woman was everything we could have ever hoped for in a birth mom .. but since she wasnt due for so long .. i decided this wasnt the right situation for us. i did continue to think about her throughout that day so i sent the email about her to RT. he and i talked and prayed about this situation extensively but ended up decided that we couldnt handle being vulnerable to another birth mom for such a long time. 
two weeks later i received another email about the same birth mom saying that they hadnt found a match for this woman yet and were still looking for a potential adoptive family for her child. 
hello God! 
is that you? 
tapping me on the shoulder saying .. hey you dummies! 
get it together! 
this is your baby! 
we talked about her again .. contacted susan (our adoption consultant) and talked through our concerns with her .. talked to the case worker who was working with this birth mom and eventually decided that we wanted to present and hopefully be matched with this mom. a few days later we received the news that we had been chosen!! this was going to be our baby. praise God!!

and then .. another major development ..
three days after we were matched .. i found out that i was pregnant again. due four months after our birth mom. for RT and i .. once we decide to present to a birth mom .. and especially once we are matched .. we feel like that baby is ours
is a part of our family
just the same as if I were pregnant
so .. backing out of the adoption was never a consideration. nervously .. we contacted the adoption agency and let them know i was pregnant. we prayed and prayed as they spoke with the birth mom that she would be ok with it and would still allow us to adopt her child. two days later we talked with the case worker for our situation. she talked us through our birth mom’s concerns but .. in the end .. gave us the weight lifting news that our birth mom was ok with it as long as we were.

praise God!! we still had the chance to adopt this precious baby! this was a closed adoption situation so it was very different for us to have absolutely no contact with our birth mom. we spent the next five months praying and hoping and truly letting ourselves be vulnerable to this situation and excited for the baby that would be joining our family very soon.

and then the day came .. i received a phone call that our birth mom was in labor. we started making travel plans immediately and within a few hours were on a plane with our older daughter and my parents headed to meet our new addition. at just after nine o’clock that night .. RT and i peered through the nursery window at our brand new baby daughter. 
the feeling was indescribable!!
we couldn’t go in and hold her until the next morning but it didn’t matter. looking at her ..i knew she was meant to be our daughter. 

over the next three days .. we spent hour upon hour in the nursery at the hospital snuggling our baby girl. on the last day .. my nerves were high but i kept praying and felt confident that this was all going to work out. 
i prayed for calm in all of our hearts 
i prayed for God to make sure that this perfect little girl ended up right where she was supposed to be
i prayed for our birth mom
even though we never met her .. i prayed she would somehow feel how much we love and respect and appreciate her
her bravery and selflessness leave me in awe!! 
she is a true hero in our lives!!

late that night .. we walked out of the hospital with the same car seat from before .. except this time .. it wasn’t empty
this time .. our daughter was in it and we were taking her home
we didn’t get to bring her home to our house for another week since she was born in a different state but now .. as i write this .. we are comfortably home and she is sound asleep on my chest. it is the best feeling a mom can have. 

as you can tell from our story .. adoption doesnt always go perfectly smooth and easy. while no ones story is without loss and heartache .. sometimes a couples first match works out and sometimes the process is long and treacherous. but .. i am now living Gods redemption from our previous heart breaks. now i know that our other two matches didnt work out because this little girl was the one who was supposed to be our daughter. it is most important to know that the call to adoption is from God and to stay faithful and strong throughout the process.
when we first realized that we were meant to adopt .. we didn’t know where to start. there is a big agency in our hometown that we looked into working with but it wasnt the right fit for us. we looked into adoption attorneys in the area that we could use if we heard about someone who was interested in placing a child and wasnt yet working with an agency but that seemed like a lot was going to be left up to chance and circumstance. then .. my aunt told us that a good friend of hers knew of a consultant with christian adoption consultants that she could put me in contact with if i wanted her to. i looked CAC up online and just knew this was the best route for us. 
now .. having gone through everything that we did .. i cant imagine every going through adoption without a consultant. the agencies that the birth moms are working with care about the adoptive families but .. in the end .. their relationship is mainly with the birth mom. so having susan in our corner was priceless. and having a professional that is always willing to answer your emails texts and phone calls is incredible. we knew nothing about adoption when the process started and i have leaned on susan so much for knowledge and information and support. knowing that she is there for us is something we cherish immensely. 
when i look back at where we were and who we were when all of this started almost three years ago .. it is hard to believe we survived. i dont consider myself an emotionally strong woman. truthfully .. i am emotionally driven most of the time. but i have learned that i am much stronger than i thought. i have learned from experience that God never allows you to get yourself into anything that you wont be able to endure with His help. RT and i have continued to grow closer and closer to God and each other. we are better and stronger both together and individually. our hearts and our home are full and happy. our family could never have been complete without the adoption of our precious baby daughter. 
happy wednesday!!

Tuesday, April 12, 2016

it's a ..

RT and i went in for our anatomy sonogram this morning and got to see our tiniest munchkin
we loved swooning over every tiny feature .. every twist and turn .. every heart beat .. every kick
we just love this little one so very much!!
and most exciting of all .. they confirmed that ..
happy tuesday!!

Thursday, March 24, 2016

forshizz up the spout

this stage of pregnancy always reminds of that exchange in the movie juno when she tells her friends that she is pregnant ..

juno.. i'm pregnant
leah.. it's probably just a food baby. did you have a big lunch?
juno.. no, it's not a food baby all right. i took like three pregnancy tests and i'm forshizz up the spout

i see people looking at me .. and then looking down at my belly and then looking back up at me
i can almost hear their internal dialogue ..
is she pregnant?
or maybe she has just gained some weight?
i need to ask (fill in the blank) .. she might know

no one wants to ask and i don't blame them
no one wants to be that person who asks the not pregnant girl if she is pregnant
but because i am pregnant .. it kinda makes me laugh

so from my food baby and me .. happy thursday!!

Tuesday, March 15, 2016


soon my family of 3 .. 5 if you count the dogs .. which we do .. will be a family of 7
crazy right?!?

i think it was right around the littlest'  first birthday we decided we were ready to open our hearts up to adoption again
we talked with our consultant .. updated our home study  .. and began reading about birth mommas

it was a different process for us this time .. as has been our experience each time
we presented to several moms before we were matched
we got the call saying we had been matched on monday december 28
our baby is due to be born at the first of may
we were ecstatic when we heard the news and immediately began celebrating and planning and praying for this birth mom and her baby

then .. 3 days later .. on thursday december 31 .. i took a pregnancy test

if you know our story then you know that, medically, we have a zero percent chance of becoming pregnant naturally
we have done the testing many many times
science says no .. God says yes!!

we were not at all expecting to ever be pregnant again
and when we decided to present to our birth mom i wasn't late so it wasn't on our radar

but things changed .. quickly!!
we let our agency know that we are pregnant but still very much want to adopt this sweet baby
they talked to the birth mom and she said that if we are sure and feel realistically prepared .. then she is still confident that we are the family for her baby

so .. God willing .. in a very few short weeks .. we will have our second precious baby in our arms
and then at the beginning of september we will have our third precious baby in our arms

it's about to get real busy around our house
and we couldn't be more excited for it!!

happy tuesday!!

Tuesday, February 16, 2016

broken together

this past sunday was valentine's day and we started our marriage series at church
this is a series we do every year in february and it is always one of my favorites
one of the couples in our church shared their story of loss and heart break and then they sang a song called broken together

i sat and listened with tears running down my cheeks
it is not unusual for me to cry during worship
i enjoy the messages so much but often the songs are what pierce right to my heart

i couldn't relate to this couple's exact situation
but i can relate to being broken together in a relationship

"the only way we will last forever is broken together"

i realize RT and i are still just starting out in our marriage
but we have lived a lot of life in our few short years
and sadly we have experienced a lot of sadness

luckily we have been broken together
while i am sure that we had our times that we felt at odds with each other
when i think through our family building journey up to this point .. we have been together
a team
supporting each other and lifting each other up

there have been times when i personally felt that there was no way i could be lower
no way i could feel more sad
more heart broken
more discouraged
you name it

but .. i was constantly getting closer to my husband
infertility and failed adoptions can make you feel so alone and isolated
even though others have experienced something similar .. they haven't lived your story
but RT and i were living our story together
he knew exactly where i was emotionally because he was in the trenches with me

so on this tuesday after valentine's day i celebrate my husband
he is my ultimate partner in life
he is my true love
he is the only person with whom i would ever want to be broken together

happy tuesday!!

Tuesday, February 9, 2016

bees .. the magic word

the littlest is starting to learn lots of words
she talks all the time about everything
and because we are around her all day everyday we really understand a lot of it

as her language is erupting we are trying to teach her to say certain things
expression of feelings and manners being our main objectives
the word please has been high on our priority list

she was whining when she was wanting something so we have been encouraging her to say please instead of whining
thats a good thing right??
of course it is!!
except now she feels like please is the magic word to get her whatever she wants whenever she wants it

last week it was just the littlest and i for dinner so i made us a yummy bean cheese and egg sandwich to share
normally this is a dinner she would love which is the whole reason i made it 
but on this particular night she was absolutely not having it
she kept throwing her bites on the floor and swatting them out of my hand
so i put her down out of her high chair at which point she went straight to the pantry doors and starting banging on them say bees! bees!

she wanted cheerios for dinner .. not what i made
but i didn’t want her to have snack food for dinner so i said no
naturally she didnt like my answer so she started throwing a fit
she was crying and slumping her shoulders and banging on the pantry doors
bees! bees! bees! 

i let her have her fit .. finished our my dinner and then got up and left the table
she is too little to really understand you have to eat what i make if you want to have dinner so i was not willing to just let her go hungry until her bed time bottle but i also didn’t want her she get rewarded for throwing a fit
once she calmed down and moved on i made her a pb&j and she ate it and the rest of the night continued without issue

i gained an awesome video that i have shared with anyone who will watch because even though she was upset she is adorable and so funny!!
and i think technically we both won .. she didn’t eat the cheerios for dinner but she also didnt have to have the original sandwich that i made
and as a little side note .. i do make things other than sandwiches

happy tuesday!!

Tuesday, February 2, 2016

big things

big things are happening around here
big things are exciting
big things are scary
big things give me anxiety .. both the good anticipatory kind and the bad freak out kind

when i gaze out into my future .. i can see the changes
i can visualize how it will look in my everyday life
but there are lots and lots of unknowns
and the unknowns are what can snake up out of the ground and imprison you with fear 

but when i am afraid, i will put my trust in you .. psalm 56:3

recently my pastor said something that stuck with me
he said .. if you have fear then you don’t truly trust in God
i would have said that i do trust God
but i realize now .. shamefully .. that my trust falters .. ALL THE TIME
instead of trusting in my Lord i fear the what ifs

as the future unfolds i will work hard to recognize my fears for what they are and turn from them into the light of my Father 
when i am afraid .. i will trust in Him

happy tuesday!!