a glimpse of light

via

i am a talker. if you actually know me the simplicity of that statement might make you laugh. to say i'm a talker is an understatement of major proportions. going right along with that .. i am also a writer. i journal quite a bit. just getting my thoughts and feelings out. it is kinda like therapy .. i just pour out my words on paper/computer as a way of moving forward from wherever i am

on this blog .. i only talk about some things and normally it is not religion or my beliefs. that is not because i am ashamed of my faith but because .. in general .. my blog is a very breezy space that I use to show my creativity and love for fashion .. but sometimes {as you may already know if you are a regular reader} i force myself to be honest and dig down to show my true emotions {you might want to get used to this kind of post for a while :)}

today is a little bit like that except i don't have to dig down .. these are the only words i have. it is this or nothing :)

as a christian, i find myself in a fairly consistent state of prayer. i have worked hard at conditioning myself to pray as many times throughout the day as i can. constantly acknowledging my LORD's blessings

always
for everything
all day long
every single day

i am aware that everything i enjoy and experience is a gift from my heavenly FATHER. that includes the hard stuff. the moments of sadness and confusion and heart brokenness. but what i have found is that .. for me .. it is hard to pray during those times

the dark times

however, not everyone feels this way. some people i have talked to find it easier to pray during times of need

in light of this .. let me explain my reasoning ..

i know that GOD planned for me way before i was ever born. HE knew every detail of my life from beginning to end before my parents even considered getting pregnant with me. i fully trust HIM and HIS plan. i want to follow the LORD's plan as accurately as possible without straying. i trust that every situation i find myself in .. whether happy or sad .. has a very specific purpose. i am meant to experience these things
nothing is by chance

so .. during the dark times .. i find myself at a loss for words

what i want is to scream

and cry

and beg for relief and understanding

what i want is for GOD to protect me from hurt and sadness

what i feel .. if i am really being honest .. is betrayal

my FATHER loves so unconditionally

so passionately

so how could HE ever lead me into the darkness??

knowing how troubling it would be

knowing how hurt i would feel

what i want it to be enraged

to spit words of anger about how

i would never let someone i love go through something like this if i could help it

so how could HE??

but i can't
i can't because i trust
i trust that GOD leads me through life with purpose
no mistakes .. nothing is by chance

so what do i pray for?
courage?
strength?
faith?
because relief isn't really an option ..
i'm meant to experience this pain .. for some reason that is still unknown to me
nothing is by chance

anger is a defense mechanism
GOD understands it but that doesn't make it ok
anger becomes a wedge between me and the LORD
so .. anger is out

instead .. i find myself in a state of silence. not being able to find the words
not the right words
or even just acceptable words
i have none

no outlet of communication

just faith

the mindset to weather the storm

eventually the skies will clear .. just ask noah

no mistakes

nothing is by chance

eventually .. the light will pour down

in the midst of the darkness

just when you think you can't go on anymore

HE is there

always

"in order to keep us from becoming too attached to earth ..

GOD allows us to feel a significant amount of discontent and dissatisfaction in life ..

longings that will never be fulfilled on this side of eternity

we're not completely happy here

because we're not supposed to be

earth is not our final home

we were created for something much better"

- rick warren: the purpose driven life -

" when life gets tough

when you're overwhelmed with doubt

or when you wonder if living for CHRIST is worth the effort

remember that you are not home yet

at death you won't leave home

you'll go home"

- rick warren: the purpose driven life -