empty

i don't know how to say any of this so i am just going to state the facts ..

last week M had an appointment with her doctor on thursday morning at 10:30. i sent her a text just before to let her know i was thinking about her and was anxious to hear what the doctor had to say. when i still hadn't heard back at around noon i sent another text asking how things went. an hour later i was still waiting to hear from her and our case worker from the adoption agency called asking if we had talked to M

she was not contacting or responding to any of us

this made me extremely nervous and i began frantically calling and texting hoping to hear anything
at close to four i received a text from our case worker letting me know that she and M would be calling me shortly
she had finally gotten a hold of her

i knew something was wrong the second i answered the phone. i knew that M had been visiting her parents and she told me that the day before she had felt as normal as possible considering she was still having regular contractions. TP was still moving and everything seemed fine. at dinner time she noticed that her contractions had spread out a little but didn't think much of it. at around eleven she got in the shower and TP is usually really active when M is in the shower and she said she didn't feel her move even once. this scared her so she went straight to the hospital

they couldn't find her heart beat
the doctor induced labor and M delivered our precious angel still born at 1:15am thursday morning
she had been avoiding our calls and texts because she just couldn't figure out how to tell us

the sadness and devastation of this is completely consuming
one second we were on pins and needles awaiting the arrival of our daughter and the next we were paralyzed by the news of her death

the tears are incessant
the anvil on my chest is only getting heavier
sleep escapes me entirely

having been through two failed rounds of ivf i felt there was no way things could get worse but i know now that things can always get worse
more than i could have ever imagined

but i also know that they will get better at some point and i am anxiously awaiting that day

11tweleve13

this past weekend was a long one to say the least .. i will start at the beginning ..

thursday night as i was pulling into the driveway after work i got a call from our case worker at the adoption agency. she said that she was with M and that she was having very strong very severe contractions and that she thought it would be a good idea for us to go ahead and come because the baby would most likely be born really soon. i ran into the house and told RT and we got on the road. we stopped on the way to leave Layla with some friends {big thanks to the carruthers!!} and hauled booty to M. we called/texted all of our family and friends and spent the entire car ride jabbering in excitement about getting to meet our baby girl!! we had been waiting for this moment for so long and it was finally here

we got to M's apartment that night at about eleven and she was indeed having regular painful contractions. we were timing them at between ten and fifteen minutes apart and her doctor told her to wait to come to the hospital until they were regularly about six minutes apart. at two thirty am they were not coming any closer together so we left her place and went to crash at a friend's house

my girlfriend mazie was such a life saver this weekend!! she basically let us come and go from her house to crash for a couple of hours and shower then leave again all weekend long. it was so amazing to have a place to go!! good friends are the best in the world!! thank you mazie!!

friday we got up and took breakfast to M and stayed with her all day. contractions clocking in consistently at ten minutes apart. we left and had dinner with my parents and then went back to check on her after. we didn't stay too long that night because we were so tired from the night before

saturday we woke up and had breakfast with mazie and her boyfriend curtis and then got ready for the day. we picked M up and took her to lunch and afterward the three of us went on a long walk because her doctor had told her to get up and moving. we took her home and met up with my parents, siblings, aunt, uncle, and cousins for dinner. when we returned to M's apartment to check on her that night the contractions seemed to have gotten much worse .. this is it we thought .. i layed with her timing her contractions at ten minutes apart until four in the morning

sunday we got to mazie's at about eight am to nap for a while. we left there at around noon and had lunch with my parents .. by then my siblings had to head back home because they had to relieve the babysitters who were keeping their kids. I was so grateful to have the support of family this weekend. they were a much needed refuge from all of the emotions and drama that we were going through. we went to check on M and she was still doing the same but we couldn't stay long because her parents were coming to swap out some furniture for her

all weekend long we had really been encouraging her to go to the hospital to get checked out just so that we could know everything was ok but she was extremely reluctant. she finally agreed to go late sunday night. by then RT and my dad had come home so that RT could go to work monday but my mom and i were still in town waiting to hear from M

basically she is actually in labor .. these are not braxton hicks .. but she is just progressing very very slow. it is what is called prodromal labor. so she is just suffering through the contractions waiting for the progression to get to the point that they will admit her and she can have our daughter. she and the baby are doing fine other than the fact that she is in quite a bit of pain

the weekend was long and emotionally and physically exhausting but our baby will be here soon and being able to be there with M to show our support was a really good thing

any and all prayers for M and TP would be greatly appreciated!!

happy tuesday!!

fourhundred

this is my four hundredth blog post .. i sorta can't beleive that but nonetheless it is true .. it feels like i should post something profound but i'm not going to .. instead i am going to talk initials

you see now that RT and i are going to be blessed with a little girl we have talked through many different name choices and decided what we want to name her. from the very beginning i had two names picked out that i wanted to decide between and they both start with T

i would probably still be juggling the two names except that RT finally told me he really wanted to decide so that our baby had a name .. thus we chose together

i obviously totally love what we picked out but the problem is that our sweet baby girl's initals are going to be TP .. as in toilet paper .. i have been telling people not to put her initials on anything because TP just isn't that cute but i have decided to embrace it. if nothing else .. it is a little comedic releif {everyone enjoys a little bathroom humor now and then right?!?}

so from now on .. as far as this little blog of mine is concerned .. our baby is TP just like her dad is RT :)

happy tuesday!!

throwback thursday halloween style

 

this was halloween last year .. i LOVE halloween with every ounce of my soul!!!!

 

i hate clowns they creep me out beyond words but i was a scary clown anyway and my mask was the bomb!! RT was some kind of scary monster guy .. a little texas chainsaw inspiration on that one {ha!}

 

every year RT and i throw a big halloween costume party with all of our friends and it is my most favorite party of the year. give me a reason to wear a costume any day :) this year we have way too much going on to be planning anything {let's be honest i wouldn't remember my own head if it wasn't attached right now} so my friends katie and chance offered to throw the shin dig and i was majorly grateful but i wasn't able to go :(

 

i am ashamed to say i don't even have a costume this year .. complete halloween fail!!

 

so today i bring you a little #tbt and a promise that next year will be epic

 

T-364 days

 

happy halloween!!

sitting

top: free people     cardi: vera wang for kohls     pants: m rena     shoes: steve madden

<<a little info needed to understand the following story .. a lot of times when i am petting zoey i will rest my forehead against hers and kiss her snout while i scratch her behind the ears or on her back or wherever>>

this week my parents are in san fransisco and the wine country on vacation with friends so RT and i are manning the fort and keeping their dog

bertie is such a sweet dog and is super easy. our only issue is with our dog .. zoey has an attitude problem .. she is crazy jealous of other dogs. she isn't aggressive but she is bossy and doesn't want anyone to give attention to other dogs instead of her

the other night i was at home alone with the dogs just lounging on the couch
bertie was at my feet so i was loving on her
zoey ran over and started trying to bully bertie out of the way so that i would pet her instead
i got onto zoey telling her to be nice which she really doesn't like
she ran and got a toy out of her basket and brought it over wagging her tail hoping that would make up for her bad behavior
when i didn't respond she slowly climbed into my lap clearly thinking i hadn't seen her so she was then standing over my lap wagging her tail showing me her toy
when that didn't work either she got really still and looked at me for a second and then pressed her forhead to mine .. it was so funny!! i couldn't help myself i started laughing and loved on her

she is a mess but she is my dog and i love her to death

happy tuesday!!

nursery inspiration board

all photos found on google images

are you guys tired of hearing about the adoption and the baby yet??

too bad :) because that and the house are pretty much all i can think about right now {ha!}

we are in kind of a unique situation in that we don't have to have the nursery finished before the baby gets here. actually we can't have it finished because the house won't be finished but that just means i get a little extra time to decorate. one of my friends asked me about nursery colors yesterday and the walls are gray but color wise that is about as far as i have gotten :)

i know we want to do kind of an antique chic circus theme though so today i made this little inspiration board .. excited to see how it turns out!!

happy wednesday!!

hidden under the brim

i wore this outfit on saturday running around all over town with RT. we picked out granite for the house and then did some baby shopping. i wanted us to pick out the outfit that we will bring her home in together. i am sure RT thought that was silly but it is sentimental to me and he indulges my weirdness :)

i am getting really anxious for her to be here. i just cant wait to hold her and smell her {again with my weirdness} and snuggle her tight. i wonder what she will look like and act like and sound like. i think about her constantly

our sweet angel baby

it has been so incredible the way our birth mom .. M .. has let us into her life

yesterday she had a dr appointment and as soon as she got home she texted asking me to call her so that she could give me the update. from the second she chose us she has involved us one hundred percent in everything that has to do with the baby. i will never be able to express what she means to us 

when we were on our way home from visiting M a couple of weekends ago RT and i were talking about how crazy the path was that led us to her

the way we thought the process would go was that we would send applications to several different adoption agencies

get approved

and begin being presented to birth moms

but before we even had a chance to send any applications our adoption consultant sent us info on M. we met most of her criteria and we jumped at the chance to be presented to her. she chose us on the spot even though her case worker had warned us that she might take a couple of days to decide once she had received the profiles

it is just so apparent that we were destined for each other

M and i were talking the other night and she was telling me that is makes her feel bad to say this but that this baby has never felt like hers. she said that she has felt guilty throughout her entire pregnancy because this is her second child but for some reason from day one the baby hasn't felt like hers. she said she understands now because the baby has always been ours. she told me she felt it the second she laid eyes on us

those are words that i will never forget

words i will always treasure

words that sunk deep into my heart and effected me completely

i can't wait to share those words with our daughter

i want her to know what an amazing person her birth mom is

i want her to understand how much we love her momma

i want her to love M just the same

we will sing M's praises for the rest of our lives

i just cant say enough .. 

happy tuesday!!