Tuesday, November 19, 2013


i don't know how to say any of this so i am just going to state the facts ..

last week M had an appointment with her doctor on thursday morning at 10:30. i sent her a text just before to let her know i was thinking about her and was anxious to hear what the doctor had to say. when i still hadn't heard back at around noon i sent another text asking how things went. an hour later i was still waiting to hear from her and our case worker from the adoption agency called asking if we had talked to M

she was not contacting or responding to any of us

this made me extremely nervous and i began frantically calling and texting hoping to hear anything
at close to four i received a text from our case worker letting me know that she and M would be calling me shortly
she had finally gotten a hold of her

i knew something was wrong the second i answered the phone. i knew that M had been visiting her parents and she told me that the day before she had felt as normal as possible considering she was still having regular contractions. TP was still moving and everything seemed fine. at dinner time she noticed that her contractions had spread out a little but didn't think much of it. at around eleven she got in the shower and TP is usually really active when M is in the shower and she said she didn't feel her move even once. this scared her so she went straight to the hospital

they couldn't find her heart beat
the doctor induced labor and M delivered our precious angel still born at 1:15am thursday morning
she had been avoiding our calls and texts because she just couldn't figure out how to tell us

the sadness and devastation of this is completely consuming
one second we were on pins and needles awaiting the arrival of our daughter and the next we were paralyzed by the news of her death

the tears are incessant
the anvil on my chest is only getting heavier
sleep escapes me entirely

having been through two failed rounds of ivf i felt there was no way things could get worse but i know now that things can always get worse
more than i could have ever imagined

but i also know that they will get better at some point and i am anxiously awaiting that day

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