radio silence

a glimpse into what i do when i am bored {ha!}

a while back i wrote this post about how hard it is for me to pray during times of need. it took me a little bit but throughout these months i have gotten over that. i have learned to pray and to have faith. even without asking for anything .. to just talk to GOD about everything that is coursing through me. i have been able to lean hard on the strength of my LORD

until now

now i am back to radio silence in my head .. in my heart

back to a place where i have no words

or i don't know what to say

or i am afraid to feel

we are reaching the end of i word cycle one
according to my doctor .. tomorrow will most likely be my last day of these stimulant shots. retrieval is on track for this thursday .. transfer being next tuesday

8 days from today
          192 hours from today
                    11,520 minutes from today
                              i could have an embryo inside me

a tiny little group of cells that will .. if we are lucky .. become our very first baby

we are so close

i am terrified!!

i am not scared of those cells becoming our baby
i am scared that they won't
i am afraid to have hope
i am afraid to get excited

what if it doesn't work??

we want this maybe baby so so very bad!!

so instead i am existing in radio silence. finding comfort in it even. because just the thought of feeling is too much to bear

back to the doctor tomorrow .. and every other day this week for that matter

i'll keep you guys posted

thanks for reading :)