Tuesday, January 21, 2014

real mom

throwback to august 2012
it is interesting how things change .. in august of 2012 RT and i started trying to get pregnant and at the time i was possessed by it .. i wanted to be pregnant more than anything .. and then in october of that same year we were given the news that we have a 0% chance of becoming pregnant on our own .. so a little part of our dream died but a new hope bloomed in its place .. ivf wasnt how we originally thought we would start and grow our family but we were confident that it would work and i would still get to carry our babies .. we started our first round in january 2013 and got the news that it was a failed attempt in april .. we started our second round in may and got the news that i still wasnt pregnant at the end of june .. another part of our dream died .. but again a new hope bloomed in its place .. a hope in the adoption process

when this whole journey started i was eager to be pregnant
i wanted to go through the nine months and watch and feel the baby grow
but that wasnt in the plan 
at least not yet

and you know what .. i am ok with that .. it doesnt even make me sad .. it is just how it is for us and either way we are going to be parents and that is the point .. so instead we get to celebrate with B and watch her baby grow and talk with her about how it feels .. and really that is awesome too

but even though i am at peace with not carrying our children in my body .. there is still fear

last week i was talking with a woman and she asked me if RT and i have any children. i explained to her that we are adopting and are matched with a mom who is due in april. she proceeded to tell  me that i need to wait to tell our daughter that she is adopted until she is at least in high school because we need to be sure that she grows up thinking that we are her parents

i disagree .. we will tell our daughter her adoption story from birth. she will always know. we will tell her about B and what an incredible blessing she is to RT and i and we will explain that B is the bravest, most selfless, most loving person we have ever known. we will enforce that B made an adoption plan because she loves her baby so much
we will tell her that she has a sister and we hope to continue to have contact with B for the rest of our lives. but someday our little girl is going to realize what that all means. she will always hear it but some day when she is not very big she will truly understand. and she might just say the words .. you're not my real mommy

that thought is terrifying

but regardless of if she is biologically related to us 
or grew in my belly or someone else's
regardless of if we have the same color skin
or any features alike at all
i will still be her real mommy

and that little girl will be double lucky because she will have two real mommies
one who gets to squeeze her tight every single day of her life .. gets to read her bed time stories and play hide and go seek .. one who will wake in the night with her when she is tiny and new .. who gets to be her mommy twenty four seven
and one who will love her from afar .. thinking of her everyday .. one who carried her for nine months and kept her safe and healthy .. one who put her first above everything else 

biology doesnt create real families .. relationships do 

happy tuesday!!

Monday, January 20, 2014

the most perfect baby girl you have ever seen

i have a confession to make .. i have seen this kind of picture posted by pregnant women that i am friends with on facebook and i always thought they were kinda creepy. i mean yea i realized it was cool that you can see the baby 3D and all of that but they look all lumpy and the color is weird and i would just get a little gweebed out by it .. until it was mine

over the weekend RT and i travelled to meet B for the very first time

we were supposed to fly out on thursday night at 6:50 but our plane kept getting more and more delayed so we didnt actually arrive at our hotel until after 1am. we were super tired but still really excited about what was in store

on friday morning we had a meeting with the attorney and the case worker that are working with us and with B through this adoption. we went over all of the legal stuff together and then B and her mom came and we all had lunch together

i can't even describe the feeling of seeing her in person for the first time

finally getting to hug her 
finally getting to talk to her face to face
finally getting see her perfect little baby bump
finally getting to look her in the eyes and tell her how much we love her and her baby 


after lunch we went to the place where they do the 4D sonograms and for the most beautiful half hour of my life i sat on a couch holding RT's hand watching our perfect little daughter on the screen
we could see her heart beating
we could see her little lips .. nose .. eyes .. cheeks .. ears .. hands .. feet .. legs .. arms .. every tiny bit of her .. we could see it clear as day

and it wasnt gweeby at all
it was awesome!!

our baby girl is so friggin beautiful i cant even believe it
and i have a video of the whole thing so i can watch it over and over and over again

after the sonogram we made breakfast plans for the following morning and then parted ways 
RT and i spent the rest of the day talking about B and just how right this all feels
i know that is easy to say .. and things could still turn around .. but for some reason we both have a sense of total peace .. B is our birth momma and her baby girl is going to be ours too .. i am just sure of it :)

saturday morning our case worker picked us up and we met B and her 3yr old daughter for breakfast. i sat in a booth next to her little girl and she was precious. so talkative and absolutely hilarious. we colored together {trying hard not to scribble scrabble .. she said that is no good} and played games on my phone and shared our food. it was really special to get to have that time with her. we were so grateful to B for allowing us the opportunity to meet both her mom and her daughter

after breakfast we took some pictures .. hugged them tight .. and said our goodbyes

it was everything i could have hoped for :)

happy monday!!

Tuesday, January 14, 2014

he's cute

top: kaya di koko
pants: citizens of humanity
shoes: l.a.m.b.
shirt: hand me down softness from his grandfather
pants: levi's
shoes: all saints
sometimes we get dressed cute on a weekend night and go out and have fun ..

this past saturday we had a surprise 40th birthday party for a friend of RT's that he works with and then afterward we went over to a different friend's house for some game night fun

we live in TX and the weather here is bipolar so it was just the right night to wear this sleeveless blouse that i got from the hoop at the end of last summer. bright colors with a contrasting stripe pattern .. yes please! and .. i have been coveting these jeans for a while now and my awesome boss surprised me with them for my birthday .. best boss ever!! needless to say i was pretty excited about my outfit {ha!}

i hope you all had a fun weekend too!!

happy tuesday!!

Thursday, January 9, 2014

different this time

dress: sam+lavi
jacket: graham&spencer
socks: target
boots: MINE! {love you momma}
here we are at the beginning of our journey with our birth mom .. B .. and it is different this time

that is absolutely what we wanted because things with m turned out so horribly but it is funny how quickly we get programmed

i truly believe that m's sole motivation to do what she did to us was for attention .. i think she is a sad and lonely person who used a sick and twisted lie to get constant attention from the people she involved .. i can't speak for anyone else but i played into her game 100% .. i texted back and forth with her all day long every single day from the second we exchanged contact info

i know some of you reading this will see this as something that should have been an immediate red flag but we were very adamant that we would allow the relationship that we had with her progress organically and not go into the situation with preconceived ideas based on other people's experiences or let someone who wasn't us or m tell us what kind of relationship we should have with her

i actually still want to live by that philosophy .. i want us to develop a relationship with B that is a reflection of who we all are and what we want for our futures and for the future of the baby girl she is carrying

i do not want it to be about what we went through with m at all but because she is the only other birth mom type situation we have ever been a part of .. it is hard not to let that seep in subconsciously

with B it is different .. she talks to me but she has a life outside of me .. she doesn't have time nor does she want to make time to talk to me all day long .. and i am glad for that!! we have brief conversations once or twice a week .. this is what is comfortable for her and that is what is most
important .. but it is hard not to let the past sneak up
she isn't responding .. maybe she doesn't like me
she keeps the conversations short .. maybe she is questioning her decision
i try to shut out those thoughts as quickly as they come up. i know that is just insecurity and fear and if i really think about it i know that B is more normal

right now we are strangers
yes we have been bound by an extremely emotional and personal and intimate decision but currently we are strangers. i sincerely hope that we will develop a lasting friendship but we have to work toward that. most people don't fully open up on day one

i wish i could literally wipe the slate clean
i wish that there was no past experience threatening to surface .. rearing it's ugly head to try and ruin what is good .. what is normal .. what is our future ..

this time is different
and boy am i glad!!

happy thursday!!

Monday, January 6, 2014

it's my northday and i will post old pictures if i want to

Zoey in the ultimate photo bomber {ha!}
sweater: joie
skirt: parker
shoes: steve madden
so clearly these pictures are not from today considering the long hair but i get a pass because it's my birthday .. or at least that is what i'm telling myself {ha!}

today i turn twenty seven and usually i would say something cliche like .. i can't beleive i am 27! or .. omg i am getting so old! or something like that

and it's not that i don't have moments where those statements are accurate but the truth is .. i feel older than i did on this day last year
and not in a bad way but just in the fact that i have lived a lot of life in the last year
we are well along on the path to having a baby and that makes me feel older
we are so close to moving into the house that we have remodelled hoping we can stay there long term and raise our family there and that makes me feel older

writing that makes me feel kind of dumb but it is the truth

so in answer to RTs question this morning does it feel like your birthday .. the answer is yes! and i am excited about it :)

happy monday!!

Friday, January 3, 2014

a new year a new do

dress: heather
tights: thank you ok santa :)
shoes: rachel comey {yes i wear them too much}
so i didn't go with the pixie cut i teased in this post but i did go for a change

connie {my sweet friend and awesome hair stylist} said she thought we should start with something a little less drastic and go from there
i completely trust her and generally just tell her to do whatever she thinks will look best so i went with her suggestion
we cut off five-six inches so it is definitely a change but i still have some hair :)

i love it!!

the only sad part is that i lost most of my pink but i made another appointment to have it put back in

thanks connie!! as always .. you did awesome!!

happy weekend!!