Thursday, January 9, 2014

different this time

dress: sam+lavi
jacket: graham&spencer
socks: target
boots: MINE! {love you momma}
here we are at the beginning of our journey with our birth mom .. B .. and it is different this time

that is absolutely what we wanted because things with m turned out so horribly but it is funny how quickly we get programmed

i truly believe that m's sole motivation to do what she did to us was for attention .. i think she is a sad and lonely person who used a sick and twisted lie to get constant attention from the people she involved .. i can't speak for anyone else but i played into her game 100% .. i texted back and forth with her all day long every single day from the second we exchanged contact info

i know some of you reading this will see this as something that should have been an immediate red flag but we were very adamant that we would allow the relationship that we had with her progress organically and not go into the situation with preconceived ideas based on other people's experiences or let someone who wasn't us or m tell us what kind of relationship we should have with her

i actually still want to live by that philosophy .. i want us to develop a relationship with B that is a reflection of who we all are and what we want for our futures and for the future of the baby girl she is carrying

i do not want it to be about what we went through with m at all but because she is the only other birth mom type situation we have ever been a part of .. it is hard not to let that seep in subconsciously

with B it is different .. she talks to me but she has a life outside of me .. she doesn't have time nor does she want to make time to talk to me all day long .. and i am glad for that!! we have brief conversations once or twice a week .. this is what is comfortable for her and that is what is most
important .. but it is hard not to let the past sneak up
she isn't responding .. maybe she doesn't like me
she keeps the conversations short .. maybe she is questioning her decision
i try to shut out those thoughts as quickly as they come up. i know that is just insecurity and fear and if i really think about it i know that B is more normal

right now we are strangers
yes we have been bound by an extremely emotional and personal and intimate decision but currently we are strangers. i sincerely hope that we will develop a lasting friendship but we have to work toward that. most people don't fully open up on day one

i wish i could literally wipe the slate clean
i wish that there was no past experience threatening to surface .. rearing it's ugly head to try and ruin what is good .. what is normal .. what is our future ..

this time is different
and boy am i glad!!

happy thursday!!

1 comment:

  1. Thanks for sharing! Have been praying for you guys as I think about your situation.
    Also LOVE your outfit!