Monday, March 25, 2013

the issue of trust

i am going to be honest with you guys .. i am kinda struggling

ever since our i word transfer day that ended up being just a day of major heart break .. i can't seem to get a good attitude going. it's not that i can't see the good things. i know that there are lots of people who do round after round of ivf and they never get even one viable embryo. we have two and they aren't just viable .. the embryologist said they look great

i am so so thankful for those two tiny frozen babies of ours
but i am scared to have hope for them

and really my biggest issue here is with GOD
i know i am not supposed to say that
but it is true and i don't want to be fake and dishonest

let me explain ..
this is something that i have been openly struggling with to those i am close to and i can tell it really bothers my mom. so last week she kinda challenged me. she said something along the lines of ..
we are called to have faith at all times
to give everything up to HIM
the good and the bad
it is way easier to give up the good things but we are called as christians to give everything up to GOD not just the easy things
i have really been thinking about that and what i have realized is that the issue i am having is one of trust

i am .. as a christian .. supposed to trust in HIS plan. and i can't tell you how many times in the last several months i have heard those exact words from people .. it will be ok. it's all on GOD's timing .. honestly that makes me want to scream. i feel like it is so easy for people to say that because they have no idea what we are going through. but i have honestly tried and tried to do just that. to give this up to HIM and trust that HE has our best interest at heart. to trust in HIS plan and HIS timing. but every single time we have been let down

every single time!! 
and i can't bring myself to trust anymore

i was thinking about it yesterday and i tried to put it into a realm that is easier for me to grasp. so i thought about my earthly dad. i trust my dad 100%. he is the best dad on earth. if i were told that he was in control of our fertility and that i needed to trust in him and his timing i would do it in a heart beat. i know he would have our best interest at heart. he is my daddy

this is my sweet daddy .. the absolute best a girl could ever have :)
so i would be talking to him about it all the time. pouring my heart and hurt and hope out to him and i know he would listen and feel my emotions too. so then i thought .. what if i talked and trusted and begged and hoped and pleaded in my dad and over and over he broke my heart? he let me down.
how long would it take before i quit trusting him?
how many times would i endure the heart break before i refused to trust anymore?

but the thing is that i can't even begin to answer that. i can't even begin to fathom how many times because my dad would never do this to us! never! my dad would see our tears and heart break and do everything in his power to give us the baby we so desperately want. he would never ever make us endure this pain. not even once if he could help it

and GOD can help it
HE just doesn't

so .. i'm struggling

1 comment:

  1. great post, nanc. takes a lot to be so honest. i'm praying for you and ryan with all my might.