unexpected fear

top: patterson j kincaid

skirt: young fabulous and broke

shoes: steve madden

sometimes i sit here before i write a blog post and i battle with whether or not to write what is truly on my heart
do i really want to put that out on the internet for anyone to read??
will people judge me??
is it too personal??
is it good?? bad?? ugly??

but what i have to remember is that if i'm not honest i'm not me

so here goes with a story of unexpected fear ..

RT and i have been on a long tortured road to children for a little over a year and a half now. if you are a long time reader then you know all about it. if not {and you are interested} look back. lots of ups and downs all leading us to the baby that the LORD has special for us. all leading us to B and her angel baby girl. all leading us to our family .. finally

we have worked hard and endured a lot to get to this point and exactly one week from today i will arrive in B's home town to spend time with her and .. when baby is ready .. meet our daughter. the timing is not unexpected .. we have been matched with B for months and have been anxiously awaiting her due date. but now that it is here .. like really and truly here .. along with all of the happiness and excitement .. i am scared and the what ifs are haunting me

what if we totally suck at being parents
what if we are unprepared
what if she decides to parent
what if what if what if what if

i hate the insecurity of it and yet there those feelings are
straight from the enemy himself
fighting their way into my head as i desperately try to keep them out of my heart

this is what we want more than anything. loving that little girl is what my heart was made to do and i trust that she will get to come home with us and be ours. but despite my greatest efforts .. those unexpected fears are there

happy weekend!!