Monday, April 29, 2013

the elusive two pink lines

jacket: true rebel
dress: target
shoes: dolce vita

when RT and i first started trying to get pregnant back in august .. before we knew about the i word .. i had all these visions of what it would be like to find out we were pregnant

i pictured us anxiously awaiting the day that my period would be late enough that we should probably take a pregnancy test

i pictured us sitting there that morning watching the three minutes tick away on the clock on my phone giddy with excitement

i pictured us finally getting to look down at that wonderful little white stick and seeing two pink lines telling us that we were pregnant .. two pink lines that would change our lives forever .. two pink lines that would confirm that our dreams of having a baby were coming true .. two pink lines that would take our family straight from 4 to 5 {i can't leave the dogs out ha!}

i pictured us hugging and {me} crying and being over the moon with our perfect little miracle that we now knew was growing inside of me

i pictured us both getting on our phones and going down the family phone lists telling anyone who would listen about our big news

i pictured myself calling the doctor to make my very first prenatal appointment

but that is just not how it went for us
for three months we anxiously waited
and every month my period came
and then we learned about the i word

a week ago today we went in for our very first pregnancy test at the i word doctor

i was beyond nervous and couldn't stop crying
i was crying out of nervousness
i was crying out of excitement

we were called back and the technician that we love so much took my blood
our sweet nurse that we also love so much came over and promised she would call with the good news as soon as she got it

it wouldn't be two pink lines but it would be the i word equivalent

RT and i went out to breakfast and then i headed to work for the day. waiting on that call seemed like it took an eternity. they told me it would most likely be between 3 and 5 but if they got the results back sooner they would call sooner

at 1:33 my phone rang

i jumped up and walked to the back room to answer
it wasn't our nurse .. it was our doctor .. i  knew immediately

i have bad news for you today he said
i am sorry to tell you that your pregnancy test was negative he said

i have never felt that kind of sadness in my life
i locked myself in the bathroom at the store and sobbed and sobbed trying to call RT
he wasn't answering
he was helping a friend move and didn't answer for over an hour

i left work
i couldn't stay
i had to get home
i had to be somehwere that it would be ok to cry for the rest of the day
so that is that
i am not pregnant
still not pregnant
still so sad
so confused
so angry

we had a doctor's appointment on friday and are starting our next i word cycle as soon as we can
throwing ourselves back into the line of fire
picking up the millions of tiny little pieces of my shattered heart and handing them back to my doctor hoping for different results this time

still waiting on the most precious most elusive two pink lines

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