Monday, April 21, 2014

not how i thought it would go

my mom and i on the beach our first full day in florida
ripping the band.aid ..

this is a very long story so i will condense as best i can

thursday april 3rd i left home on a two day car trip with my mom headed to B .. it didn't go how i thought it would

we drove to new orleans the first day and spent the night
it was the perfect place to stop
we walked around for a little bit .. in and out of galleries and shops .. had a great dinner at mr.b's .. had dessert at cafe du monde .. took a around the french quarter seeing the sights .. walked bourbon street .. had a great night's sleep at hotel monteleone .. had a delish breakfast at petite amelie .. and then got back in the car

we drove the final nine hours that day and checked into our condo at 7:30pm

a few weeks before i had talked to B about wanting to come a little bit early and she said that sounded great and asked me to come on the fourth {her due date was the 9th}
so when we got in i let our case worker {i will call her K} and B know and how excited we were to see her
the next morning we got up and took a long walk on the beach and when i talked to K she said that she had arranged everything with B and that we would meet for brunch the next morning on sunday
we spent the rest of the day exploring the touristy part of the little town we were staying in and then went home for the night
the next morning we got up and got ready but then i received word from K that B wasn't feeling well and didn't want to go to brunch
she was already dilated 3cm and so i was very understanding

B had an appointment with her dr. on tuesday and afterward K called to let me know that she was now 5cm dilated and that the dr had separated her membranes {i still don't really know what that means} 
she felt like B would have the baby within 24hrs
RT and my dad started making arrangements and arrived at the airport the next day .. wednesday .. but the baby still hadn't come

fast forward to sunday morning .. we still had not seen B and are still waiting on baby
it was palm sunday and we really wanted to go to church so my mom found one online and we went
i was a little bit distracted at first because i didn't get phone service inside the church and i was nervous the baby would come and we wouldn't know but the pastor and his message were great so i was quickly able to let go and pay attention

when we left church and got to a place where i had reception my phone whistled that i had a text message
it was from K .. she was texting to let us know B had delivered our baby girl early that morning but had decided to parent .. she sent that information in a TEXT MESSAGE .. we weren't thrilled

i promptly burst into uncontrollable sobs while RT called K
at that point she had not seen or talked to B
she had only received a text from B saying that she had had the baby and wasn't sure she could go through with the adoption

this was not how i thought it would go

pretty quickly after we arrived back at our condo we received a call from the attorney we had been working with from the adoption agency
she let us know that K was headed up to the hosiptal to see B and she advised us to go as well
they were planning to encourage B to at least see us
not to try and convince her of anything but just because we had come a long way and had been very supportive of her and they felt like it was right for her to see us

this was not how i thought it would go but i still had a tiny bit of hope

when we got to the hospital we waited for a little bit in the waiting room before we were able to talk to K
when she told B that we were there and wanted to see her she got very upset .. she felt like we were intruding by just showing up at the hospital without finding out if it was ok with her
one of the nurses heard K talking to us and even though she wasn't telling us anything confidential or private {she was simply letting us know that B and baby were fine but that she didn't want to see us and was helping us decide what to do next} she went back to B and told her that K was spreading her business all over the place
this upset B even more and the next morning .. monday .. when the social worker for the hospital arrived she told her that we were harassing her and that she no longer wanted to place the baby
as soon as she used the word harass .. the agency's hands were tied

we got a call monday morning that pretty much just said ..
B is being discharged today
she is taking the baby with her
you guys should probably go home

it was not how i thought it would go

we were back in the same place we constantly find ourselves ..
heart broken
lacking any kind of answers or closure

so the four of us packed up the car and drove the 1,000+ miles drive home

it was the saddest angriest quietest car ride i have ever been a part of but i was so glad to have my parents there with us
supporting us emotionally
going through the pain with us
just another set of arms to wrap around us
another set of ears to hear our sobs and struggles
another set of mouths to talk through it all
they are the best people i know .. thank you mom and dad!!

we got home mid day on tuesday but i took the rest of the week off .. today is my first day back at the hoop
it is just so hard to go back to real normal life when what i really feel like is that i left my daughter in florida
i was supposed to be her mom
RT was supposed to be her dad
how could we just leave her in florida?!?
but we had no choice
we have no choice but to live through the pain and loss and sadness 

our incredibly supportive and amazing adoption consultant sent me this link to send to family and friends so that they could understand at least a little bit what we are going through and feeling and respond accordingly .. if you are interested you should give it a read. it really is good

and while i am ripping band.aids .. i will keep going ..

i am pregnant
miraculously .. despite our 0% chance of ever becoming pregnant on our own
due mid september

she is a little girl {i mean aren't they all ha!} and we are beyond excited!!
having her does not take away from the pain of losing B's baby girl but she is a little ray of sunshine in what is an extremely dark time for us

we were so excited to have two little girls 
so close in age
one just five months older than the next
we dreamed of our future with them constantly
but now we struggle to find the strength to get through this
to continue to be excited and grateful for the miracle baby quickly growing inside me while simultaneously mourning the loss of the baby girl in florida

the roller coaster that is my life continues

this is not how i thought it would go ..

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