on purpose

oh hey there bitty one :)

last night i was in the car with a couple of my friends and we were talking about how scary it is that sometimes you will get somewhere in your car and realize you have zero recollection of the drive you just made. this honestly happens to me all the time when i'm driving back forth from work and my house. i make that drive twice a day five days a week and so it is routine .. mindless. but to get home and think .. omg i literally don't remember one single second of that drive .. is pretty terrifying

anyway .. for some reason it got me thinking about being intentional. being intentional about the things that i do and the things that i say

     i want to talk on purpose

          not just to make noise

               to make a difference

                    i want to live on purpose

                         not just to exist

                              to make a difference

i want for the things i say to and the way that i act toward my husband .. my family .. my friends .. my co-workers .. my customers .. strangers to serve a purpose. to build them up or show them love or respect or kindness. to be a positive influence and presence in other people's lives. there is so much negativity all around. i absolutely do not want to add to it

i simply want to be on purpose

happy thursday!!

dress: sanctuary

tights: free people

boots: jeffrey campbell

one week down

blog pictures this week have been a no go for several reasons ..

monday .. we took pictures but it turns out i didn't like my outfit 

tuesday .. the bitty had to go to the vet so RT wasn't home

wednesday .. RT is at work

so instead here is a mash.up of what i wore yesterday ..

i am now officially through the first week of this i.word business and honestly it hasn't been bad at all

RT is patient and gentle and all around awesome and i am getting better and better and not totally losing it {ha!} we are basically professionals at these shinanigans

i have started to notice some things though .. 

as of this week .. 

it is really hard to get dressed :(

my stomach doesn't hurt really but it is uncomfortable if anything is touching it. monday i had on some pants that were not tight at all but they were fitted around the waist and so they bugged me all day long. basically the only thing that sounds comfortable to wear is a baggy maxi.dress

said maxi.dress is also very appealing because i am swollen for sure. again .. i am not having pain but i guess my lower abdomen isn't totally loving being injected with meds every.single.day. it is rounding out in full on protest. lovely! looks so awesome in clothes!! very exciting stuff every one :)

the problem is that i only own one baggy maxi.dress and i think it would start to smell if i wore it every day for the next month so i'm going to have to figure something else out .. suggestions welcome!!

i am un.naturally tired all the time and am having severe hot and cold flashes. one minute i will literally be so hot that i start to sweat and the next minute i am so cold i am shivering. i'm not exaggerating. it is truly that extreme ..  very interesting to get used to

and finally .. the hormones are starting to take a toll on my brain function a little bit. i am starting to lose my mind all together and the funny part is that i haven't even technically started my i.word cycle yet. that's not until feb.10 so it will be really funny to see what i am like once the real deal begins

stay tuned everyone .. things are most definitely going to get interesting around here :)

happy wednesday!!

top: tucker

pants: rich&skinny

shoes: aldo

a loopy puppy

this morning the bitty had to go to the vet to have her teeth cleaned :( sister has some dental issues because her mouth is too crowded with teeth and that makes them get icky faster than normal. the breath on that tiny thing is a serious disaster! they ended up pulling four of her teeth while they were in there cleaning. apparently two of them are in the very front on the bottom so she will now have a hole. we haven't confirmed this hilariousness yet but when we do i will try to remember to let you guys know

this is what she looks like now ..

her face is even precious when she is all drugged up {ha!}

last week .. on friday .. she went to the vet to have her shots for the year and RT brought her to me at work after. she spent the rest of the day .. a good seven and a half hours .. curled up in a ball under our counter shaking

i did not like it

so .. today she went home after her dental work. that way she gets to curl up in fluffy blanket and live in a flying pink elephants sort of bitty heaven :)

happy tuesday!!

our new normal

yesterday .. after lots of waiting around on RT's part .. we received a giant white box filled with the medications and supplies needed for our first cycle of ivf. this isn't even all of it. we also have a bag full of more stuff and a couple of the meds were put on a hold with the pharmacy until we need them

you guys .. WOW! .. i am overwhelmed!!

our official "cycle day 1" isn't for a couple more weeks but we started one of the shots this morning

let me take this opportunity to brag on my husband for a second .. i completely lost my friggin mind right before he gave me the shot this morning. i am talking full blown sobs and lots and lots of no! not yet! i'm not ready yet! ok ok i'm ready now .. no! no! no! not yet! i mean i was flipping completely out and RT was so sweet and patient and gentle and i barely even felt it

LOVE THAT MAN!!

it is weird because i am scared and excited all at the same time. i am scared of the process .. of the needles .. that we might go through all of this and there is no guarantee of a pregnancy at the end. but i am excited because we might go through all of this and get a pregnancy at the end. if we took a positive pregnancy test and had a baby .. every last second of this would only be a blip in my mind. so completely worth it!! we are praying hard .. please bless us with a healthy pregnancy and a healthy baby first try LORD! please! please! please!

a sweet friend of mine .. alicia .. recommended a book to me that i have just started reading and just about every sentence that i have read so far has been highlighted{ha!}. the book is calm my anxious heart by linda dillow

the author talks about this "teacup analogy" in which GOD has given each of us our very own specific teacup and then HE fills our cup with whatever HE sees fit for us. for our physical attributes .. our emotional and personality traits .. our relationships .. our experiences. HE fills up our teacup with what the author calls our life "portion." at this point we have a choice .. 

"we either choose to grasp it by the handle and lift it to HIM, saying, 

i accept my portion; i accept this cup

 or we choose to smash our cup to pieces, saying

GOD, i refuse my portion. this cup is not the right size for me and i don't like what you've put in it. i'll control my life myself."

{linda dillow calm my anxious heart}

this slapped me right across the face {ha!}. i mean sure i don't like the stupid I word and i wish we didn't have to go through all of this just to have the family we so desperately desire but who am i to smash the cup GOD has given me. it's just not gonna happen you guys and i for sure don't trust myself to be in control here. no way!!

i accept my portion 

i accept this cup

happy wednesday!!

two years already

 

 

as of yesterday .. i have been writing this blog for two whole years. i just can't believe it has already been that long. it seems like maybe a year at best

anyway .. happy birthday blog!

when i look back at my very first post ever i am really happy with the progression that has been made. i started this blog to be about fashion and fashion only .. but then at some point .. i just started sharing my life too. i decided that if i was going to take the time to write it might as well be about something real

a few days ago i was feeling a little insecure about that .. some people have "lifestyle" blogs and others have "fashion" blogs and i guess for now mine is kinda both. i was thinking i needed to choose one or the other but the reality is that my life is both. fashion is my hobby and my career and one of my many passions but it isn't everything

this has become more of a journal. a journal of where i have been and what i have felt and experienced and the outfits i have worn as i have lived every second of it. i enjoy this outlet so very much and i hope all you readers enjoy it too :)

thanks for reading!!

happy monday!!

top: rebecca taylor

jacket: rebecca taylor

jeans: citizens of humanity

shoes: jeffrey campbell

casual friday

we don't actually have casual friday at the hoop .. we can pretty much wear whatever whenever but i am casual and it is friday so the shoe still fits right??

i gotta tell you guys .. this week has just about whooped my booty. i am exhausted!! we have had so much going on and my brain is running one million miles a second and i just want to go to sleep for a couple days ya know {ha!}

at least it's the weekend .. i have a short day at work tomorrow but other than that i plan on doing a stupendous amount of resting. what is on your agenda this weekend? i bet a lot of you have monday off for martin luther king jr. day huh? such is not the case in the land of retail but hopefully that means all the rest of you will be out shopping and keeping us busy :)

happy weekend!!

top: joie

pants: parker

shoes: steve madden

chuck

 

 

today RT and i attended the funeral of a very dear friend

 

RT is from oklahoma and he came to tx to play baseball when he was in college. he had a coach whos wife and in.laws would always come to the games and RT got to know them really well. they welcomed him as an addition to their family and i don't think they will ever know how  much that means to him

 

RT is really close to his family but with them being a couple of hours away it is really special for him to have the maze family to be a part of as well. as soon as RT and i started dating they accepted me just the way they did him. they are simply that kind of people. good good people

 

chuck especially. he was the type that made friends everywhere he went. that was evident in the amount of people from all different age groups and walks of life who were at the visitation last night and the funeral today. he was just one man but he touched so many people in a seriously profound way. he will be missed by many every single day

 

we mourn the loss of chuck

but i am so happy for him that he is now in heaven

 

chuck had cancer and it wasn't caught until it was already stage four and extremely aggressive. he had to have two surgeries to remove the cancer and after the second surgey he had a massive stroke. we were all still optomistic that he could get better and that with time and healing and rehab he could get through this. but then .. on saturday .. the doctors told his sweet wife that he would never be the same even if he continued to pull through. the stroke was just too involved. it affected the entire left side of his brain

 

chuck passed away sunday morning

 

he didn't want to live that life

it wasn't him

he would have been miserable

so he went to heaven where things are perfect

where sickness doesn't exist

where he can look down on us and watch over us

 

we love you chuck and we miss you tremendously!!

and don't worry .. we will take care of jeejee

i know that is all you would want from us

 

see you when i get there :)

 



some progress in the midst of a waiting game

patience is a virtue and let me tell you i am strugglin'

RT and i are in the midst of making all of these major life changes and we have decided on our plan of action for everything but we can't get started on any of it yet. i am literally sitting around twiddling my thumbs stressing the heck out

not fun!!

as long as all the final bids come back at a reasonable amount .. we have decided to stay in the house we are in but completely remodel it. so we spent several weeks kinda trying to decide what changes we want to make and how we want it all to look and flow and be configured and now we are working on architectural plans. the problem is that we are constrained by the layout of the existing structure and so to make the changes and get the upgrades we want .. some of the spaces might end up being a little less conventional. this is completely 100% ok with RT and i but our architect doesn't seem on board yet. that is really tough for us. we really want him to be able to see and appreciate the vision that we have for the house. so now we are just frustrated and in a place where we just want him to get it drawn right and get out of our lives so we can move on to working with the builder

again i say ..

not fun!!

today we went in for an appointment with our ivf doctor. and for me .. this has been the hardest thing to wait on. RT and i are so ready to be starting our family and having to wait longer and longer and longer just really sucks. so today we went in for what they call a "teaching" appointment and they gave us our schedule for everything that is to come .. they told us all about all of the medications we will be using/taking {and they are A LOT of them} .. and they did a hysteroscopy on me to make sure everything is the way it should be

we got nothing but good news and i start shots next week so we are excited about that. they did tell us that the process is going to be A LOT longer than we thought it would be but we have no choice so we are good with it

we are just so thankful that we have a great doctor. our chemistry with him and his staff is really natural and that makes us both feel so comfortable. that feeling makes all the difference in the world when you are going through such an emotional and stressful time

so here i sit popping my nuckles and trying to CHILLLLLLLLLLL

happy wednesday :)

top: young fabulous and broke

jacket: hand.me.down from nana

jeans: genetic denim

shoes: target

it's the freakin' weekend

it's friday y'all!! and i have saturday and sunday off with my husband!! this is really excellent news!! {have i already used up my quota of exclamations points in one post?? sorry i will try to stop}

what are you guys doing this weekend?

RT's parents gave us a wii for christmas and my siblings gave us the mario kart game for my birthday so i envision a few wii battles .. some couch potato time .. some good food .. maybe we'll go see django .. i dunno just a relaxing weekend with nothing in particluar planned

winter and the holiday season are literally my absolute favorite but once it's all over i am usually in desperate need of some down time in my house with my dogs and RT

i have to give a little shout out to my in-laws for these shoes .. they gave me a zappos gift card {woohoo!!} for my birthday and i couldn't even hold on to it for a full 24 hours before i orders these lovelies :)
so cute right??


happy weekend!!

dress: lux

shoes: dolce vita

funny story

right before we went on the disney cruise with my family over thanksgiving .. i called our credit card company to let them know we would be out of the country

i was asked by the automated service to enter my account number and when i did i was immediately transferred to the fraudulent chargers department .. WHAT?!?

the representative that i talked to was a really nice young guy {i think his name was jeremy} in florida. he told me that there was one charge that had been flagged as possible fraudulent activity and that he would look it up for me

as he searched his computer data he explained to me that this probably wouldn't be an issue since it was just one charge but it is better to be safe than sorry. i agree completely jeremy :) we engaged in some random small talk about the difference in weather in TX and FL until ..

ok here it is i see it .. jeremy said .. it was in october .. it looks like it was a purchase made at .. ummm .. haha .. well umm .. it was a purchase made at umm nastygal.com .. haha

i busted out laughing
nastygal.com is a clothing, shoes and accessories website
here was poor jeremy thinking all things raunchy when in reality it was simply the purchase of a top and a skirt that i happen to really love

i didn't explain all that to him though .. i just laughed and said yep that was me .. it's a legitimate charge

it's important to just let things be hilariously awkward sometimes don't you think??

anyway .. nasty gal just came out with their january lookbook and it is right up my ally!! all neon and geometric prints and awesomeness!! here is a link so you can see it yourself but i also wanted to highlight some of my favorites ..

**all pictures taken from nastygal january lookbook (link)**

happy wednesday!!

a word

shirt: target
dress: lithe
tights: thank you OK santa :)
shoes: jeffrey campbell
headband: anthropologie

yesterday was my twenty sixth birthday. RT asked me "how does it feel to be twenty six" and i told him it feels pretty much the same as it did to be twenty five. which is mostly true but my twenty sixth year on this earth did not feel like all the rest. i know my twenty seventh won't either

i have talked about what a hard few months RT and i have had but i haven't gone into detail

i haven't been ready

not until now

the word i am about to write .. for me .. it is gut wrenching. it is quite possibly the most emotional word that has ever been spoken to me. to us. and yet it will be used in reference to us for the rest of our lives

this word .. infertility

i feel like i should write it in giant bold italic red letters. that is how it feels to me

huge

overwhelming 

consuming

so this is our story .. {or at least the start of it}

it all started on this past mother's day .. RT was at work and i was sitting in church with my family. all of the sudden i was overcome with this feeling .. i want a baby. it literally hit me like a freight train. so i sent RT a text .. i want a baby. his reply .. no 

you see when we first got married we weren't sure that we wanted kids at all. we both adore children we just weren't sure that being parents was for us

gradually we came around to the decision that we did in fact want children someday but not necessarily anytime soon. i would say we were looking at more of a five year plan 

and then BAM! i was feeling like tomorrow wouldn't be soon enough

so we started talking about it .. a lot .. thanks to me :) and decided we would start trying to get pregnant in august

my doctor told me if i wasn't pregnant by february then i should call and she would run some tests but not to worry

in october .. after we found out for the third month in a row that i wasn't pregnant .. RT suggested that we see a fertility doctor. i felt like it was pretty soon to be looking into that but he said it was important to him and so we made an appointment

RT has excellent intuition .. and now more than ever i am so thankful for that

according to the doctor .. there is basically zero chance that we can get pregnant on our own

what does that mean?

what do we do?

what are our options?

after a lot of prayer and research and emotional conversations we have decided to go through ivf (invitro fertilization)

every couple that travels the road of infertility has to make their own choice and any choice is right as long as it is what works best for that couple

ivf is what we feel is right for us

we feel like this is the direction in which the LORD is leading us

i start my shots this month

pray for us please

please know that we appreciate all of your thoughts and concerns but we do ask that if we haven't already talked to you about this .. please don't talk to us about it

we are mostly ok

we have absolutely come to grips with what we are dealing with and we are confident in the choices we are making but this is still a very sad and emotional journey for us

if we want to talk to you about it we will .. please let us come to you

i am so thankful to have faith in my LORD as we deal with this. HE gives us the strength and courage to persevere

i am so lucky to have RT. he is absolutely the most amazing man and i could never make it through this without him. he has been such an incredibly positive support for me. i know that i would be stuck in the depths and darkness of despair gasping for air if it weren't for him. 

RT .. i love you .. and if this is the path the LORD intends for us to traverse .. i am glad i at least have you to walk with me .. hand-in-hand .. together

let's do this thing

twenty thirteen

well it is january 3rd and officially 2013. that is crazy weird to me but never-the-less another whole year has come and gone in no time at all

did you all have a fun new year's eve? 

RT and i took our friends ben and bridget to oklahoma to visit his family. my in.laws live on some land out in the country and so everyone invited some friends and we had a big bonfire. we chatted it up around the fire until the wee hours of the morning ringing in the new year

it was so much fun and was way more chill than years past. we are normally at home and go out with a big group. both are super fun but it was nice to do something a little out of the ordinary. the only thing i really missed was picking out a new year's ever outfit

this is what we actually looked like .. 

so i thought i would do a little online perusing to pick out what i maybe would have worn had i needed something a little more .. umm .. fashionable i guess {ha!}

i found this dress on the asos website and i might have to order it just anyway. it is pretty amazing right?! and taking a page out of reese witherspoon's legally blonde book .. it incorporates my signature color :)

find it here

.. maybe i would have paired it with some beauties like these ..

find them here

happy thursday!!