our new normal

yesterday .. after lots of waiting around on RT's part .. we received a giant white box filled with the medications and supplies needed for our first cycle of ivf. this isn't even all of it. we also have a bag full of more stuff and a couple of the meds were put on a hold with the pharmacy until we need them

you guys .. WOW! .. i am overwhelmed!!

our official "cycle day 1" isn't for a couple more weeks but we started one of the shots this morning

let me take this opportunity to brag on my husband for a second .. i completely lost my friggin mind right before he gave me the shot this morning. i am talking full blown sobs and lots and lots of no! not yet! i'm not ready yet! ok ok i'm ready now .. no! no! no! not yet! i mean i was flipping completely out and RT was so sweet and patient and gentle and i barely even felt it

LOVE THAT MAN!!

it is weird because i am scared and excited all at the same time. i am scared of the process .. of the needles .. that we might go through all of this and there is no guarantee of a pregnancy at the end. but i am excited because we might go through all of this and get a pregnancy at the end. if we took a positive pregnancy test and had a baby .. every last second of this would only be a blip in my mind. so completely worth it!! we are praying hard .. please bless us with a healthy pregnancy and a healthy baby first try LORD! please! please! please!

a sweet friend of mine .. alicia .. recommended a book to me that i have just started reading and just about every sentence that i have read so far has been highlighted{ha!}. the book is calm my anxious heart by linda dillow

the author talks about this "teacup analogy" in which GOD has given each of us our very own specific teacup and then HE fills our cup with whatever HE sees fit for us. for our physical attributes .. our emotional and personality traits .. our relationships .. our experiences. HE fills up our teacup with what the author calls our life "portion." at this point we have a choice .. 

"we either choose to grasp it by the handle and lift it to HIM, saying, 

i accept my portion; i accept this cup

 or we choose to smash our cup to pieces, saying

GOD, i refuse my portion. this cup is not the right size for me and i don't like what you've put in it. i'll control my life myself."

{linda dillow calm my anxious heart}

this slapped me right across the face {ha!}. i mean sure i don't like the stupid I word and i wish we didn't have to go through all of this just to have the family we so desperately desire but who am i to smash the cup GOD has given me. it's just not gonna happen you guys and i for sure don't trust myself to be in control here. no way!!

i accept my portion 

i accept this cup

happy wednesday!!