a word

shirt: target
dress: lithe
tights: thank you OK santa :)
shoes: jeffrey campbell
headband: anthropologie

yesterday was my twenty sixth birthday. RT asked me "how does it feel to be twenty six" and i told him it feels pretty much the same as it did to be twenty five. which is mostly true but my twenty sixth year on this earth did not feel like all the rest. i know my twenty seventh won't either

i have talked about what a hard few months RT and i have had but i haven't gone into detail

i haven't been ready

not until now

the word i am about to write .. for me .. it is gut wrenching. it is quite possibly the most emotional word that has ever been spoken to me. to us. and yet it will be used in reference to us for the rest of our lives

this word .. infertility

i feel like i should write it in giant bold italic red letters. that is how it feels to me

huge

overwhelming 

consuming

so this is our story .. {or at least the start of it}

it all started on this past mother's day .. RT was at work and i was sitting in church with my family. all of the sudden i was overcome with this feeling .. i want a baby. it literally hit me like a freight train. so i sent RT a text .. i want a baby. his reply .. no 

you see when we first got married we weren't sure that we wanted kids at all. we both adore children we just weren't sure that being parents was for us

gradually we came around to the decision that we did in fact want children someday but not necessarily anytime soon. i would say we were looking at more of a five year plan 

and then BAM! i was feeling like tomorrow wouldn't be soon enough

so we started talking about it .. a lot .. thanks to me :) and decided we would start trying to get pregnant in august

my doctor told me if i wasn't pregnant by february then i should call and she would run some tests but not to worry

in october .. after we found out for the third month in a row that i wasn't pregnant .. RT suggested that we see a fertility doctor. i felt like it was pretty soon to be looking into that but he said it was important to him and so we made an appointment

RT has excellent intuition .. and now more than ever i am so thankful for that

according to the doctor .. there is basically zero chance that we can get pregnant on our own

what does that mean?

what do we do?

what are our options?

after a lot of prayer and research and emotional conversations we have decided to go through ivf (invitro fertilization)

every couple that travels the road of infertility has to make their own choice and any choice is right as long as it is what works best for that couple

ivf is what we feel is right for us

we feel like this is the direction in which the LORD is leading us

i start my shots this month

pray for us please

please know that we appreciate all of your thoughts and concerns but we do ask that if we haven't already talked to you about this .. please don't talk to us about it

we are mostly ok

we have absolutely come to grips with what we are dealing with and we are confident in the choices we are making but this is still a very sad and emotional journey for us

if we want to talk to you about it we will .. please let us come to you

i am so thankful to have faith in my LORD as we deal with this. HE gives us the strength and courage to persevere

i am so lucky to have RT. he is absolutely the most amazing man and i could never make it through this without him. he has been such an incredibly positive support for me. i know that i would be stuck in the depths and darkness of despair gasping for air if it weren't for him. 

RT .. i love you .. and if this is the path the LORD intends for us to traverse .. i am glad i at least have you to walk with me .. hand-in-hand .. together

let's do this thing