a very happy nye to you

it would be cool if i could figure out how to add videos to this here blog of mine because i used flipagram to create a cute little slideshow of some instas from this year but alas i cannot so here is an outfit including a trule phenominal coat that i got for Christmas :) and if you want to see the video head on over to my instagram account

jacket: mcginn
tshirt: target
jeans: tripp nyc
shoes: l.a.m.b.

as i am sure everyone else is doing .. today i find myself looking back and reflecting on the past year. my initial reaction is one of overwhelming and all consuming sadness. what a year of trials we have endured

but you know what .. we made it

we made it through two rounds of failed ivf
i would never have believed myself strong enough to make it through that

we made it through the waiting game of starting the adoption process and getting a finalized home study

we made it through being matched and building a relationship with m

and then we made it through m
she was possibly the hardest hurdle to jump
i still struggle with relinquishing the emotions i feel toward her
they are dark and powerful and i hate to give that to her

if someone had told me two years ago what we would endure in order to become parents i would never have tried
i would have continued to be content in my relationship with RT and never have even entertained the idea of having children
i would have been certain that i would not be strong enough to survive it all

and yet i have .. we have .. RT and i .. and all of our precious friends and family

so instead of reflecting on the sadness .. today i choose to be positive
2013 has proven to me that i am stronger than i would have ever imagined
2013 has proven that my marriage can endure serious heartache
2013 has proven that RT is the strongest most supportive man on earth
2013 has proven that we have a truly incredible group of family and friends standing beside us

and after today the year two thousand thirteen will be firmly in the past

hopefully next year will bring us the baby we want so badly
it is definitely bringing us an incredible new home to live in
and we will be together .. still standing strong .. even stronger than before .. all thanks to one pretty sucky year :)

happy new year everyone!!

calling all santa tees and red sweaters

top: pj salvage

sweater: patterson j kincaid

skirt: soft joie

shoes: converse

hey guys! hope everybody had an awesome Christmas! we sure did .. we went up to ok for a couple of days to celebrate with RTs side of the family and then came back to town on Christmas Eve to hang with my side

we ate lots of good food .. watched lots of gifts get torn into .. had lots of good conversation .. and ended the whole shoobang with a pretty killer game of hide and seek during which my three year old nephew would hide and then when you called out "ready or not here i come" he would respond by enthusiastically calling back "i'm under the bed!!" or wherever it is he happened to be .. so hilarious!!

i wore this extra comfy outfit on Christmas day going for festive and practical all at the same time. i just recently bought this crazy soft skirt at the hoop and throwing it on with my trusty chucks .. santa t .. and bright red sweater .. i was ready for whatever the day had to offer :)

then i spent yesterday getting things put away .. the house cleaned .. the laundry washed dried and put away .. and all of baby girl pack's things boxed up and ready to move to our new digs

t minus ten days until the big move

happy friday!!

idea from another

top: patterson j kincaid

jacket: mavi

pants: parker

shoes: jeffrey campbell

making .. cinnamon rolls .. and not just any cinnamon rolls .. pioneer woman cinnamon rolls .. they are heaven on earth and if i died eating them i would die happy .. just sayin

cooking .. nothing .. that is actually a part of living with my parents that has been a little bit sad .. i love to cook but having an hour commute puts me getting home too late to cook a good dinner .. so my mom cooks which isn't at all bad because she rocks at it but i am looking forward to winding down from a work day in my kitchen when we move back home

drinking .. water because i'm boring like that

reading .. betrayal in death by jd robb .. it is the twelfth in her in death series and they are mega goodness {and just to front out my own dorkiness .. i am actually listening to it because i would rather listen to a book that the radio when i'm driving}

wanting .. a baby .. COME ON APRIL!!

looking .. forward to Christmas and spending it with family

playing .. hay day ..obsessively .. and i'm not even sorry

wasting .. disposable gloves because i am a wimp about getting my hands dirty

sewing .. stockings because well it's that time of year

wishing .. it was april already

enjoying .. puppy snuggles from the bitty .. she really is the best at them

waiting .. for april {are you noticing a theme here??}

liking .. the deliciousness that is a cheddar and caramel mix of popcorn .. i mean seriously .. yum!!

wondering .. if our house will be ready on time .. if so we will move on jan.5 .. woohoo!

loving .. all of the Christmas lights and decorations

hoping .. for a happy ending to this crazy i word story

marveling .. at the fact that i have survived this year .. not sad to see it go {ha!}

needing .. hand lotion .. winter i love you but you wreak a serious dry skin havoc

smelling .. new leather from the handbags we just got in at the hoop

wearing .. a pjk owl tee .. an acid washed jean jacket .. silk parker pants .. and grey litas

following .. adoption stories by the truck load and loving every second of it .. realizing this community of people is the bomb

noticing .. that i barely ever wear my hair down anymore .. yet another reason for a change

knowing .. i am not in control and that i don't want to be

thinking .. constantly about B {our birth mom}

feeling .. too many things to express

bookmarking .. shoes .. go figure .. and knobs for cabinets too :)

opening .. the bag of popcorn .. again

giggling .. at my mom because she is a dang funny lady .. especially when she texts

i got this idea from the daybook blog and if you haven't read her blog you really should

matched .. again

top: rails

pants: j brand

boots: jeffrey campbell

this is the kind of shirt that i could wear everyday all day and still never get tired of it. it is soft and cozy and big and comfy and colorful and just all around awesome ..

anyway ..

friday night .. right before i was leaving the hoop .. i received a text from a case worker in florida that we have been chosen by a birth mom due with a baby girl in april!!

she saw our profile on monday and we had been impatiently waiting the rest of the week hoping to hear good news

i sent the case worker a text early in the day on friday letting her know that we were very excited and anxious to hear and were hoping for good news. she responded letting me know she didn't have a final answer quite yet but that she was pretty sure it was going to be great news and that she would call me as soon as she had a final decision

it was hard not to hold my breath for the rest of the day
my anxiety was up
the butterflies in my stomach were on overdrive

is this mom our birth mom??
is her baby going to be our baby too??

then .. at close to five i received a text saying

great news!

i am so happy to let you know that B picked your family!

she is so excited as i'm sure you are as well :)

 

the most beautiful words ever typed in a text!

 

i called RT immediately

and .. he didn't answer

so i called right back

and .. he still didn't answer

so i called a third time

and .. this time he answered

{i get annoyed when people do this to me because i'm like if i couldn't answer one second ago what makes you think i can answer now but that doesn't apply to me too does it?? ha!} 

 

i tried to act all nonchalant asking him what he was doing and blah blah blah before i blurted out

you are going to be a daddy in april!!

 

we are so excited!!

 

i will be honest .. it is hard to completely let down our guard and feel these emotions fully after everything we went through with M but we can't hold her against this birth mom or against ourselves for that matter

she happened and that sucks but i have to remember not to give her any power over me .. over my emotions .. or over our adoption process as a whole

we have learned from our experience but i refuse to be jaded because of it

 

happy happy happiest of mondays!!

perspective

a little happiness from the hoop today :)

top: sam+lavi

skirt: sam+lavi

vest: madison marcus

sometimes i find myself in desperate need of true perspective

all of this i word hooplah that we have been dealing with for the last year and a half has intensified that need ten fold
what i struggle with is that the longer we trudge through this the harder perspective is to focus on .. or really care about

it is easy to just get wrapped up by the darkness of the hurt and lose sight of all that is good

in the last year and a half my faith has been tried more that any other time in my life but the perspective i am focusing on today is that my GOD is in control

He knows our future

He knows the entire story

He knows our baby

something i have said to many people is that we feel the emptiness of our arms more and more everyday
that is true .. we so desperately want a little angel to snuggle and love and raise

i don't understand why this is our path
i don't know why we were intended to endure all that we have
but i do know that one day we will have a baby and that will make every bit of this worth it

every tear

every doubt

every tense moment

every heart break

when we get to hold our baby for the first time .. i will be infinitely grateful for every single thing that will have brought us to that moment .. that child .. good and bad

i receive a daily devotional from the girlfriends in GOD and today's message was about mary and what she had to have been feeling and thinking when she received the news that she would give birth to the Son of GOD. the prayer at the end was sent straight to my heart ..

heavenly FATHER, when i think about how mary must have felt, my heart swells. her willingness to be Your servant, her faith to believe the angel, and her trust that You would accomplish what You had planned stirs me to do the same. LORD, i am willing to do whatever You have for me to do. i have faith that nothing is impossible for You. i trust that You will always do what is best for me. may it be said of me, “blessed is she who has believed that what the LORD has said to her will be accomplished.”
in JESUS’ name .. amen

i beleive strongly that GOD put the desire to have children and to adopt on our hearts .. i just have to keep perspective that He is in control and what He has said will be accomplished

happy wednesday!!

something new

i need a change
i have had the same look for way too many years now and i just really need something new and fresh
so .. i am feeling very inspired by jennifer lawrence's recent hair cut and have been scouring pinterest for ideas and looks that i like
the three above are my favorites so far ..
what do you guys think .. major image change yay or nay??

happy tuesday!!

the end of an m story

top:mcginn

bottoms:citizens of humanity

shoes:jeffrey campbell

earrings:loren hope

or at least i hope it's the end ..

on monday RT called the agency that m was working with to talk to them about getting our money back. we are continuing on in our adoption journey and want to be ready to fully commit if we get picked by a birth mom

the people at this agency have been great and have continued to keep us updated on developing information that pertains to our story ..

on monday the guy at the agency received the proof from the clinic that m was going to that she was never pregnant .. NEVER PREGNANT!!

it boils my blood
makes me want to scream
makes me want to hate
infuriates me to no end

she was playing us the entire time .. making up this insanely elaborate and detailed lie for who knows what .. attention?!?
they received proof that the appointments that she was taken to by our case worker were for a variety of different things such as general pelvic pain and blah blah blah .. basically she made up reasons to make appointments because her adoption case worker intended to take her to her 'prenatal' appointments

it literally makese sick to my stomach that i ever had contact with such a twisted and devious person

at this point i can only hope that we never hear from her or about her ever again
i can only hope that in some way she is held accountable for her actions
i am so ready to stop being controlled emotionally but this poisonous human being
i don't want to think of her or the pain she has caused us anymore

so hopefully this is that last you will hear of her too :)

happy wednesday!!

a house update

i am not going to lie .. the house has gotten put on the back burner a little bit the last several weeks .. we have had so much other drama and have been thankful that the house has been moving along very smoothly!!

 

this morning i came into town early hoping to get into my barre class

i was no1 on the wait list so i thought for sure i would get in .. but i didn't ..

 

seeing as how i then had over an hour to kill i went by the house .. we have tile and grout y'all!! we are getting so close to being finished and being able to move in and i can not wait!! i think this week they are going to start sanding and staining the floors and after that they have to pour the driveway .. install iron work .. put up fans and chandelliers .. lay carpet .. and then that will be it

 

 

just a few weeks to go :)

laundry room

downstairs bath

master bath

upstairs bath floor

upsatirs bath shower walls

happy monday!!

black friday

this is what happens when my mom makes me laugh right when she takes the picture {ha!}

shirt: way old from a tom petty concert

jacket: bcbg maxazria

pants: citizens of humanity

shoes: steve madden

sunnies: prada

in honor of black friday i wore all black today
i also stripped all of the color from my pictures and opted for a tonal black and white option
i always really love when other people do it but i am such a color lover that when i switch my own photos to black and white it kinda makes me sad .. but it went with my theme today so i did it anyway

did you all have a wonderful thanksgiving??
i know i did!! tons of my family members congregated at my parents' house and we ate till we thought we would die and talked the day away .. good food and good people .. it really can't get better than that do you think??

and just in case you are in the area .. to kick of the holiday season we are offering 30% off everything in store {excluding jewelry} at the hoop this weekend only
come see us and stock up on some awesome wardrobe goodies :)

happy weekend!!

our real life lifetime movie

last tuesday i wrote this post telling you all about our sweet TP
let me start by telling everyone how much your love and support means to us
so many of you reached out to us with kind words of encouragement and sorrow and we appreciate every single bit of it!!

last tuesday the tragedy of our still born daughter was my truth
today i have no truth

let me start on tuesday night at 7:30pm ..

RT was at work and my parents host bible study at their house on tuesday nights so when i got home from work i went upstairs .. changed into my pjs .. made some dinner .. poured some wine .. and sat down to watch glee on dvr

pretty quickly my mom came and got me and asked me to come down to their house and i thought she was being weird but what awaited me downstairs was out of the realm of my thinking

as soon as i walked in the door their house phone rang .. it was RT and he wanted to talk to me .. normally he would just call my cell phone but he wanted me to be with my parents for support

he had been in contact on and off all day with the agency that M was working with
M had signed the necessary forms in order for the adoption agency to acquire information regarding the birth and death of our baby
they had gone to the hospital and were told that they had absolutely no record of M being there .. let alone giving birth to a still born baby
she continued to stand by her story and even go into more and more detail until friday when RT finally got her to tell us that she had been lying the entire time
according to her .. she started to have second thoughts about placing the baby for adoption but didnt want to dissappoint us so she made up the lie about the baby dying
according to her .. she is still pregnant

we don't know if that is true or not but we do know without a shadow of a doubt that the story she conjoured about our little girl dying was a lie

i can't even imagine what kind of person could do something like this ..

when you go through the process of adoption .. both the birth family and the adoptive family are made very aware that birth mothers have the right to change their minds and decide to parent at any point leading up to the time when they sign their relinquishment papers
it happens all the time
women often feel very different about their little ones when they see them and hold them
we knew that was a risk factor in this situation

in fact M and i had talked at length about how if she did change her mind .. RT and i both wanted her to know that while we would be heartbroken we would be extremely supportive of her and would love her and the baby no matter what

but instead of being honest with us .. she made up a lie that hurt us more than anything ever has
neither of us have ever felt the depth of pain and sorrow that consumed us when we were told that our daughter had died
M and i talked on the phone several times throughout the weekend immediately following her lie
she described to me in detail what the baby looked like .. lots of dark wavy hair .. dark complexion .. long full eyelashes .. five pounds .. eighteen inches long .. big feet and hands
she told me what it was like to hold her and bathe her and clothe her
she told me that she had saved the hospital blanket and hat that they had put on her so that she could send them to me
she asked if we would be a part of any funeral arrangements that she made
she and i cried together numerous times

and it was all a lie

 

i have been filled with an immense amount of anger and betrayal

i have been in shock that people like her actually exist

but i refuse to allow her to have any more control over me

 

RT and i beleive strongly that GOD wants us to adopt

we are confident that this is the path we are intended to be on

we have no idea why M was meant to be a part of our story but we do know that one day when we are holding our baby in our arms that every bit of this horrible i word journey will have lead up to that moment

 

so for now i continue to praise GOD for the many many blessings in my life rather than dwelling on the awful that has become a very real part of our current normal

 

and who knows .. maybe someday we will sell this crazy sick twisted story to the lifetime network and they will make a hit movie out of it ..

 

ha! kidding!!

 

happy tuesday!!

empty

i don't know how to say any of this so i am just going to state the facts ..

last week M had an appointment with her doctor on thursday morning at 10:30. i sent her a text just before to let her know i was thinking about her and was anxious to hear what the doctor had to say. when i still hadn't heard back at around noon i sent another text asking how things went. an hour later i was still waiting to hear from her and our case worker from the adoption agency called asking if we had talked to M

she was not contacting or responding to any of us

this made me extremely nervous and i began frantically calling and texting hoping to hear anything
at close to four i received a text from our case worker letting me know that she and M would be calling me shortly
she had finally gotten a hold of her

i knew something was wrong the second i answered the phone. i knew that M had been visiting her parents and she told me that the day before she had felt as normal as possible considering she was still having regular contractions. TP was still moving and everything seemed fine. at dinner time she noticed that her contractions had spread out a little but didn't think much of it. at around eleven she got in the shower and TP is usually really active when M is in the shower and she said she didn't feel her move even once. this scared her so she went straight to the hospital

they couldn't find her heart beat
the doctor induced labor and M delivered our precious angel still born at 1:15am thursday morning
she had been avoiding our calls and texts because she just couldn't figure out how to tell us

the sadness and devastation of this is completely consuming
one second we were on pins and needles awaiting the arrival of our daughter and the next we were paralyzed by the news of her death

the tears are incessant
the anvil on my chest is only getting heavier
sleep escapes me entirely

having been through two failed rounds of ivf i felt there was no way things could get worse but i know now that things can always get worse
more than i could have ever imagined

but i also know that they will get better at some point and i am anxiously awaiting that day

11tweleve13

this past weekend was a long one to say the least .. i will start at the beginning ..

thursday night as i was pulling into the driveway after work i got a call from our case worker at the adoption agency. she said that she was with M and that she was having very strong very severe contractions and that she thought it would be a good idea for us to go ahead and come because the baby would most likely be born really soon. i ran into the house and told RT and we got on the road. we stopped on the way to leave Layla with some friends {big thanks to the carruthers!!} and hauled booty to M. we called/texted all of our family and friends and spent the entire car ride jabbering in excitement about getting to meet our baby girl!! we had been waiting for this moment for so long and it was finally here

we got to M's apartment that night at about eleven and she was indeed having regular painful contractions. we were timing them at between ten and fifteen minutes apart and her doctor told her to wait to come to the hospital until they were regularly about six minutes apart. at two thirty am they were not coming any closer together so we left her place and went to crash at a friend's house

my girlfriend mazie was such a life saver this weekend!! she basically let us come and go from her house to crash for a couple of hours and shower then leave again all weekend long. it was so amazing to have a place to go!! good friends are the best in the world!! thank you mazie!!

friday we got up and took breakfast to M and stayed with her all day. contractions clocking in consistently at ten minutes apart. we left and had dinner with my parents and then went back to check on her after. we didn't stay too long that night because we were so tired from the night before

saturday we woke up and had breakfast with mazie and her boyfriend curtis and then got ready for the day. we picked M up and took her to lunch and afterward the three of us went on a long walk because her doctor had told her to get up and moving. we took her home and met up with my parents, siblings, aunt, uncle, and cousins for dinner. when we returned to M's apartment to check on her that night the contractions seemed to have gotten much worse .. this is it we thought .. i layed with her timing her contractions at ten minutes apart until four in the morning

sunday we got to mazie's at about eight am to nap for a while. we left there at around noon and had lunch with my parents .. by then my siblings had to head back home because they had to relieve the babysitters who were keeping their kids. I was so grateful to have the support of family this weekend. they were a much needed refuge from all of the emotions and drama that we were going through. we went to check on M and she was still doing the same but we couldn't stay long because her parents were coming to swap out some furniture for her

all weekend long we had really been encouraging her to go to the hospital to get checked out just so that we could know everything was ok but she was extremely reluctant. she finally agreed to go late sunday night. by then RT and my dad had come home so that RT could go to work monday but my mom and i were still in town waiting to hear from M

basically she is actually in labor .. these are not braxton hicks .. but she is just progressing very very slow. it is what is called prodromal labor. so she is just suffering through the contractions waiting for the progression to get to the point that they will admit her and she can have our daughter. she and the baby are doing fine other than the fact that she is in quite a bit of pain

the weekend was long and emotionally and physically exhausting but our baby will be here soon and being able to be there with M to show our support was a really good thing

any and all prayers for M and TP would be greatly appreciated!!

happy tuesday!!

fourhundred

this is my four hundredth blog post .. i sorta can't beleive that but nonetheless it is true .. it feels like i should post something profound but i'm not going to .. instead i am going to talk initials

you see now that RT and i are going to be blessed with a little girl we have talked through many different name choices and decided what we want to name her. from the very beginning i had two names picked out that i wanted to decide between and they both start with T

i would probably still be juggling the two names except that RT finally told me he really wanted to decide so that our baby had a name .. thus we chose together

i obviously totally love what we picked out but the problem is that our sweet baby girl's initals are going to be TP .. as in toilet paper .. i have been telling people not to put her initials on anything because TP just isn't that cute but i have decided to embrace it. if nothing else .. it is a little comedic releif {everyone enjoys a little bathroom humor now and then right?!?}

so from now on .. as far as this little blog of mine is concerned .. our baby is TP just like her dad is RT :)

happy tuesday!!

throwback thursday halloween style

 

this was halloween last year .. i LOVE halloween with every ounce of my soul!!!!

 

i hate clowns they creep me out beyond words but i was a scary clown anyway and my mask was the bomb!! RT was some kind of scary monster guy .. a little texas chainsaw inspiration on that one {ha!}

 

every year RT and i throw a big halloween costume party with all of our friends and it is my most favorite party of the year. give me a reason to wear a costume any day :) this year we have way too much going on to be planning anything {let's be honest i wouldn't remember my own head if it wasn't attached right now} so my friends katie and chance offered to throw the shin dig and i was majorly grateful but i wasn't able to go :(

 

i am ashamed to say i don't even have a costume this year .. complete halloween fail!!

 

so today i bring you a little #tbt and a promise that next year will be epic

 

T-364 days

 

happy halloween!!

sitting

top: free people     cardi: vera wang for kohls     pants: m rena     shoes: steve madden

<<a little info needed to understand the following story .. a lot of times when i am petting zoey i will rest my forehead against hers and kiss her snout while i scratch her behind the ears or on her back or wherever>>

this week my parents are in san fransisco and the wine country on vacation with friends so RT and i are manning the fort and keeping their dog

bertie is such a sweet dog and is super easy. our only issue is with our dog .. zoey has an attitude problem .. she is crazy jealous of other dogs. she isn't aggressive but she is bossy and doesn't want anyone to give attention to other dogs instead of her

the other night i was at home alone with the dogs just lounging on the couch
bertie was at my feet so i was loving on her
zoey ran over and started trying to bully bertie out of the way so that i would pet her instead
i got onto zoey telling her to be nice which she really doesn't like
she ran and got a toy out of her basket and brought it over wagging her tail hoping that would make up for her bad behavior
when i didn't respond she slowly climbed into my lap clearly thinking i hadn't seen her so she was then standing over my lap wagging her tail showing me her toy
when that didn't work either she got really still and looked at me for a second and then pressed her forhead to mine .. it was so funny!! i couldn't help myself i started laughing and loved on her

she is a mess but she is my dog and i love her to death

happy tuesday!!

nursery inspiration board

all photos found on google images

are you guys tired of hearing about the adoption and the baby yet??

too bad :) because that and the house are pretty much all i can think about right now {ha!}

we are in kind of a unique situation in that we don't have to have the nursery finished before the baby gets here. actually we can't have it finished because the house won't be finished but that just means i get a little extra time to decorate. one of my friends asked me about nursery colors yesterday and the walls are gray but color wise that is about as far as i have gotten :)

i know we want to do kind of an antique chic circus theme though so today i made this little inspiration board .. excited to see how it turns out!!

happy wednesday!!

hidden under the brim

i wore this outfit on saturday running around all over town with RT. we picked out granite for the house and then did some baby shopping. i wanted us to pick out the outfit that we will bring her home in together. i am sure RT thought that was silly but it is sentimental to me and he indulges my weirdness :)

i am getting really anxious for her to be here. i just cant wait to hold her and smell her {again with my weirdness} and snuggle her tight. i wonder what she will look like and act like and sound like. i think about her constantly

our sweet angel baby

it has been so incredible the way our birth mom .. M .. has let us into her life

yesterday she had a dr appointment and as soon as she got home she texted asking me to call her so that she could give me the update. from the second she chose us she has involved us one hundred percent in everything that has to do with the baby. i will never be able to express what she means to us 

when we were on our way home from visiting M a couple of weekends ago RT and i were talking about how crazy the path was that led us to her

the way we thought the process would go was that we would send applications to several different adoption agencies

get approved

and begin being presented to birth moms

but before we even had a chance to send any applications our adoption consultant sent us info on M. we met most of her criteria and we jumped at the chance to be presented to her. she chose us on the spot even though her case worker had warned us that she might take a couple of days to decide once she had received the profiles

it is just so apparent that we were destined for each other

M and i were talking the other night and she was telling me that is makes her feel bad to say this but that this baby has never felt like hers. she said that she has felt guilty throughout her entire pregnancy because this is her second child but for some reason from day one the baby hasn't felt like hers. she said she understands now because the baby has always been ours. she told me she felt it the second she laid eyes on us

those are words that i will never forget

words i will always treasure

words that sunk deep into my heart and effected me completely

i can't wait to share those words with our daughter

i want her to know what an amazing person her birth mom is

i want her to understand how much we love her momma

i want her to love M just the same

we will sing M's praises for the rest of our lives

i just cant say enough .. 

happy tuesday!!