bright green

top: patterson j kincaid

skirt: i am not 100% sure honestly but i think mara hoffman

booties: rachel comey

i was playing with some photo editing today and i loved the way this filter made all of the colors super vibrant!! it makes it easy to pretend we have had lots of rain and that the grass is lush and green when in reality it is only kinda green and is far from lush

we are headed to portland this weekend to celebrate four years of marriage and i know it rains a lot there so hopefully we will get to experience lush surroundings for real

what are you guys doing this long holiday weekend??

hopefully something fun with loved ones :)

happy weekend!!

linen

 four years ago on this exact day i married this guy

best day of my life

as i sit here and try to type about him and our marriage and the last four years i am left feeling like there are no words to even describe {cheesy but true}

he is the very best person i know and i am so beyond lucky to get to do life with him

in the last four years .. we have been through a lot of happy and a lot of sad .. we have experienced a lot of excitement and a lot of disappointment .. we have been through good times and not so good times

but looking back .. all that matters is that we are together
we are partners no matter what
we love each other and support each other
and we continue to get better and better

in many ways i can't believe it has only been four years .. it has been a very eventful four years so it seems much longer
but in other ways i love that i can picture a very long future ahead of us

i love you RT
more and more everyday

happy anniversary!!

back to basics

making .. plans for what to do in Portland this weekend {suggestions very welcome}
cooking .. tamale casserole with a fresh salad .. cooking is a little iffy for me right now because my sniffer is out of control so quick easy or crock pot recipes are my go to
drinking .. water! water! water! and cranberry orange juice
reading .. the fault in our stars
wanting .. sugar!! I have never loved sour patch kids more
looking .. forward to lake season even though currently we are really low on water
playing .. fairway blast .. a card game on the ole ipad
wasting .. disposable gloves .. i use multiple pairs a day .. i am ashamed
wishing .. for rain .. this drought is no bueno
enjoying .. all the little movements baby girl is making
waiting .. for her to be big and strong enough that RT can feel her too
wondering .. what angel baby will look like when we finally see her face to face
loving .. my ever growing baby bump
hoping .. for a little peace
marveling .. at how hot it already is .. what will this mean for august tx?!?
needing .. maternity clothes
smelling .. everything!! pregnancy has heightened my already over active sense of smell by about a million
wearing .. anything fitted .. i love showing baby girl off
following .. adoption stories {because apparently i like torturing myself}
noticing .. how much i talk about/think about baby p
thinking .. that our anniversary is Ina. few days and boy what a marriage it has been .. i love that man!!
bookmarking .. crib bedding
opening .. boxes full of shipment for the hoop
giggling .. at stories my boss tells about her two year old daughter .. she is just the cutest funniest little girl
feeling .. this is a question that everyone asks when you are pregnant .. how are you feeling?? .. and honestly i have been really lucky up until now .. i have felt as normal as a person can feel with a tiny human growing inside them {although that visual admittedly freaks me out a little ha!}

for breath

top: joie

skirt: bobi

shoes {even though you can't see them}: dolce vita

lately .. i often find myself gasping for breath

people tell me i am strong

strong to have endured everything we have endured
strong to keep going day after day
strong to stay positive

but i don't always feel strong

i often feel suffocated .. 

suffocated by the devastation that i still feel from the two failed rounds of ivf that we endured
that seems so long ago now and yet the wound is still so raw
we were so confident on that path
but {at least so far} we were let down

suffocated by the devastation of both failed adoptions
and even by the sadness of presenting to a birth mom that you hope and pray will choose you .. but then she doesn't .. suffocated by the rejection .. why weren't we the ones?? why weren't we good enough??

and surprisingly .. even suffocated by this miracle pregnancy

it is no secret to those who know me that i suffer from a severe anxiety disorder
i get over anxious about things that most people don't even think twice about
it is something i have learned to live with and deal with in as healthy a way as possible

it is part of who i am

normally .. when i have bad anxiety i am able to take medication
but with the pregnancy .. i haven't wanted to take anything
my dr did prescribe something that i could take safely while pregnant but the one time i took it .. the added anxiety of taking the pill made things way worse not better at all .. so i won't be doing that again

anyway .. ever since B decided to parent .. my anxiety has been out of control
i am terrified that something will go wrong with the baby girl i am carrying
all of my dr appointments have been normal but i am still so scared

we have been so close to getting a baby so many times
so incredibly confident in each process we have been a part of
so open with our hearts and our minds
and every single time the dream gets taken from us
whether at the beginning {which was the case with the failed rounds of ivf}
or at the very very end {which has been our experience with adoption so far}

the fear that something awful will happen with this baby girl is consuming
i am even having vivid nightmares about it

i have never wished time away so much in my life
september will never get here fast enough

i don't understand this path that RT and i are on
i don't understand the pain
the heart break
the disappointment
the anxiety
and honestly i don't think i ever will understand

we just keep going
day after day
putting one step in front of the other
because that is the only choice right?!?

i feel suffocated and yet somehow i continue to breathe

wishing for calm this friday ..

rain!!

top: heartloom

short: heartloom

shoes: circus by sam edelman

rain rain
come and stay
day after day after day after day

we are under extreme drought conditions here in the great state of TX and right now it is raining!! hopefully it just keeps coming down for as long as possible because we need it desperately!!

in other news .. i ordered this outfit while at market in january before i knew i was pregnant
that was long enough ago that when i saw the order of shorts and a top coming in for me i got a little nervous because i couldn't remember exactly what the shorts and top looked like and i wasn't sure if i would be able to wear any of it

so imagine my relief when these loose elastic waisted beauties came out of the box and the top is nice and flowy too .. i am a happy girl!!

happy rainy monday!!

saying goodbye

tomorrow morning RT and i will drive to OK to spend the weekend with his family celebrating the life of his precious grandad

a couple of weeks ago grandad was in a car accident that flipped his truck and since then he as been in icu fighting hard for his life
on tuesday afternoon his fight was over
for those of us that are left here missing him it is a devastating reality .. but i know he is in heaven right now chatting it up with mickey mantel and that makes me smile

he was a family man through and through
he loved his wife, kids, grandkids and great grandkids more than anything else and he found his joy in spending time with everyone
we all continue to find joy in telling our stories of him

i consider myself so lucky to have been able to know him and to have been accepted by him into his family

we love you grandad!!

peanut peanut butter

my sister is the kind of person who likes to make everything from scratch and she is dang good at it

she makes the most delicious homemade bread you have ever tasted .. she works hard to grow her own veggies and herbs {not an easy task with as many little ones as she has running around in her backyard} .. pretty much anything canned that she wants to use she finds a recipe for it and makes it herself .. etc etc

so a few weeks ago she started talking about making her own peanut butter
"it's so easy" she said
"it's so yummy" she said

honestly i didn't think much of it

not because i didn't believe her .. pretty much everything she makes is delicious .. but because i have no problem with store bought peanut butter

jif and i are close buddies you see

but then i was at her house one afternoon and she whipped up a fresh batch of this peanut butter and i saw first hand how easy it was and tasted for myself how good it was so i decided to make some peanut butter of my very own

here comes the recipe ..
are you ready for this??
it's pretty complicated

put some peanuts in the food processor

turn it on and let it go until the peanut butter is at your desired consistency .. and enjoy!

my sister used plain peanuts .. but i couldn't resist the honey roasted when i was perusing the peanut selection .. yum!!

happy tuesday!!