for breath

top: joie

skirt: bobi

shoes {even though you can't see them}: dolce vita

lately .. i often find myself gasping for breath

people tell me i am strong

strong to have endured everything we have endured
strong to keep going day after day
strong to stay positive

but i don't always feel strong

i often feel suffocated .. 

suffocated by the devastation that i still feel from the two failed rounds of ivf that we endured
that seems so long ago now and yet the wound is still so raw
we were so confident on that path
but {at least so far} we were let down

suffocated by the devastation of both failed adoptions
and even by the sadness of presenting to a birth mom that you hope and pray will choose you .. but then she doesn't .. suffocated by the rejection .. why weren't we the ones?? why weren't we good enough??

and surprisingly .. even suffocated by this miracle pregnancy

it is no secret to those who know me that i suffer from a severe anxiety disorder
i get over anxious about things that most people don't even think twice about
it is something i have learned to live with and deal with in as healthy a way as possible

it is part of who i am

normally .. when i have bad anxiety i am able to take medication
but with the pregnancy .. i haven't wanted to take anything
my dr did prescribe something that i could take safely while pregnant but the one time i took it .. the added anxiety of taking the pill made things way worse not better at all .. so i won't be doing that again

anyway .. ever since B decided to parent .. my anxiety has been out of control
i am terrified that something will go wrong with the baby girl i am carrying
all of my dr appointments have been normal but i am still so scared

we have been so close to getting a baby so many times
so incredibly confident in each process we have been a part of
so open with our hearts and our minds
and every single time the dream gets taken from us
whether at the beginning {which was the case with the failed rounds of ivf}
or at the very very end {which has been our experience with adoption so far}

the fear that something awful will happen with this baby girl is consuming
i am even having vivid nightmares about it

i have never wished time away so much in my life
september will never get here fast enough

i don't understand this path that RT and i are on
i don't understand the pain
the heart break
the disappointment
the anxiety
and honestly i don't think i ever will understand

we just keep going
day after day
putting one step in front of the other
because that is the only choice right?!?

i feel suffocated and yet somehow i continue to breathe

wishing for calm this friday ..