getting crafty for Christmas

a few weeks ago .. hot glue gun at the ready .. i decided to get a little crafty

as mentioned many times before .. i love to decorate and this year i was hankering for a new wreath for our door and a way to display the Christmas cards we receive from family and friends

i searched online but couldn't find anything i loved and on top of that .. things were pretty pricey
so .. i decided to make what i wanted

i sent RT .. the most amazing husband in the world .. to hobby lobby to retrieve supplies while i stayed home with the littlest

a couple of hours and many phone calls later he returned home with bags full of exactly what i needed

both turned out even better than i hoped!!

here is the wreath ..

and here is the card display that hangs in our dining room ..

happy Christmas week everyone!!

i blame it on the football

i love to celebrate
i mean i REALLY!! LOVE!! TO!! CELEBRATE!!
anything and everything

i love the decorations .. the food .. the time spent with family and friends
i am sort of crazy over it all

so naturally holidays rank high for me
and Christmas is one of the best

i have a sort of ritual for decorating for Christmas
i always beg RT to get everything down before we go to my mom's for thanksgiving
i love coming home after thanksgiving to a house dripping with Christmas

i pour a big glass of hot apple cider and turn on the movie elf and i dive head first into the boxes of decorations
i usually start with the tree and this year was no different
the littlest was down for a nap and RT was running an errand and i was in my own happy little holiday world

and then things started to go downhill ..

last year .. RT got me a new beautiful tree
he put it up for me so this was my first time putting it up myself
it doesnt connect the same as my old tree but i didnt know that

i set the base up and then put the first part in
it was wobbly
like really super wobbly

i took it apart and then back together but it was still wobbly
what!! the!! heck!! is!! going!! on!!??

the littlest woke up and i had to take a break
we played for a while and had dinner and bath time
when she went down for the night RT still wasn't home
i called him
he didnt answer {big mistake!}

i messed with the tree some more but nothing was helping
i called RT again
he answered {big mistake!}

me: where are you??
RT: i just stopped by pat's to see the kids real quick .. is everything ok??
me: no!! the tree is jacked up and i cant figure out why!!
RT: oookkkkk .. what is wrong with it??
me: its wobbly!! and it can't be wobbly because the littlest will pull it over!!
RT: ok .. well .. i will be home soon and i will try to figure it out

when he got home i will still figgitting but it was really just for show
he took it apart and put it back together
still wobbly
out came the hammer
bang!! bang!! bang!!
still wobbly
we wrapped it with some duct tape and then hammered it into the base
bang!! bang!! bang!!
better .. still wobbly .. but better .. probably the littlest can't pull it down now

deep breath
ok .. get back into the good festive mood
RT is now watching football so no more elf but thats ok i have a new cup of cider and i'm feeling positive again
let's finish setting up this tree

i pick up the second piece
awkwardly carry it over and try to place it on top of the offending piece on the bottom
but it doesnt go on

the ou fight song blares in the background and this is when i realize where i went wrong
i put the middle piece on the bottom and am now trying to put the bottom piece in the middle
you have got to be kidding me!!

me: umm .. RT .. i know what happened .. you see on the old tree .. (blah blah blah .. excuses for my stupidity) .. so that piece goes in the middle .. we need to get it out of the base and get the tape off of it
RT: oh .. ok

we get the bottom put in its correct place and then i put the middle on
yes!! victory!!

ok .. now .. how do these connect??
i look and i look for the open plugs
but i can't find them

me: umm .. RT .. can you help me?? i cant find the plugs
he gets up and gets a flash light
he finds the plugs and sits back down to watch the game
thanks babe!!

i put the top on

ok .. now .. how do these connect??

i look and i look for the open plugs

but again i can't find them

me (getting superbly frustrated): can you help me?? i cant find these plugs either!!

he gets up with his flash light and finds the plugs 

(not to self: they all plug in at the same place)

he sits back down to watch the game

another deep breath

this is not going well but i am determined

i start fluffing

everything fluffs out nicely until i get to the top

this new tree it taller than the old one and the top it very hard to get to

i keep feeling like i am going to fall off the ladder and i cant get the dang thing fluffed

the ou fight song blares in my ears for the one billionth time and i feel myself start to lose it

the threshold between rational and irrational has been breached

the tears sting the back of my eyes and i start to throw a fit

RT: whoa!! whats wrong??

me: i cant get this stupid thing to look right!! its a disaster!! i have been working on it for hours and the dang tree still isnt even up and it looks terrible!!

RT: it looks good babe ..

me: no it doesnt!!

RT: oookkkk .. how can i help

me: you cant!! you dont understand!! i know you think this is stupid and you dont care about the decorations but this is really important to me!! i love to decorate and it just isnt going well and i dont even want these stupid decorations out!! 

and in my head i screamed ..  and if i hear that ou fight song one more time i am going to throw the tree through the tv!! we dont even like ou!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i then started packing up everything and putting it on the back porch

RT let that go until i pulled the tree bag into the middle of the living room intent on putting away the tree that it had taken us an obscenely long time to assemble

RT: hey .. wait .. just stop

me: no!! i dont want any of this out!! this is supposed to be fun and happy and it just isnt and i want it all out of here!!

RT: seriously .. just stop .. just leave it and you can finish it when we get back after thanksgiving

me: no!! i want it all out of here!! your family is coming when we get home from mom and dad's and i dont want all of this just out in the middle of the house!! i want it put away!!

RT: just leave it .. we arent going to not put out the decorations

me: i dont want them!! 

and then i stomped off to the bedroom and laid down on the bed and cried

i fell asleep like that

i am happy to say that the next morning i found my holiday cheer again

RT was at work and when the littlest went down for her morning nap i poured another fresh cup of hot apple cider and turned elf back on

i finished fluffling the tree .. got all of the oranaments on and all of the decorations out in the house

it looks holly and jolly as ever and it makes me happy in my heart

truthfully .. this is not a story that i am proud of

i full on lost my cool over a Christmas tree

but i am pretty sure it wasnt my fault

i blame it on the football .. more specifically the stupid ou fight song that they blast every 20 seconds during their games

if i never hear it again it will be too soon

if elf had been on like it was supposed to be none of this would have happened

right??

happy weekend!!

wait patiently

psalm 40:1-2

i waited patiently for the Lord

He turned to me and heard my cry

He lifted me out of the slimy pit

out of the mud and mire 

He set my feet on a rock

and gave me a firm place to stand

this verse keeps coming back to me

it has recently been the verse of the day on my bible app .. it has been part of my daily bible study that comes to my email (twice!)

do you think God is trying to tell me something??

WAIT FOR ME YOU DUM DUM!!

look at your baby and delight in my timing

I know best

WAIT FOR ME!!

i know God .. i am trying .. and i am failing miserably <ha!>

my head knows that i want to wait for the Lord. that He knows what my family looks like in its completion. He knows who the littlest's siblings will be and when we will get to meet them

my heart on the other hand ..

it has a hard time

my heart is open and ready for that baby

my heart is raw and vulnerable

my heart is anxious and feels doubtful and sad

how can i align my head and my heart??

i know the right answer .. give it to God .. focus on His word .. wait patiently for Him .. pray! pray! pray! .. i am trying .. admittedly it is really hard!!

wait patiently for the Lord

He turned to me and heard my cry

He lifted me out of the slimy pit

out of the mud and mire 

He set my feet on a rock

and gave me a firm place to stand

psalm 40:1-2

happy wednesday!!

to write or not to write

admittedly .. i waiver back and forth all of the time about whether or not to continue writing this blog of mine

now that i have the littlest .. this is most often not where i choose to spend my time
it used to be so easy to take outfit pictures on the regular and write multiple blog posts a week
but now .. during my down time i am sitting in the middle of my living room floor playing with toys and laughing as my one year old dances around me .. or i am relaxing on the couch enjoying dinner and some trashy tv with RT
they are where i want to invest my time
and while writing a post takes just a few short minutes .. for some reason it is no longer a priority for me

also .. since having the littlest .. i struggle with how much of my family i am sharing with the world
on one hand .. i love having a place to celebrate our lives and what we are doing .. whether that be the happy times or the harder times
it is great to have a place for family and friends to keep up with us and what we are doing
on the other hand .. i have this protective momma bear side that wants to shelter us and our lives

sometimes this blog is therapeutic for me
this is where i come to lay my feeling on the line
it helps me to truly identify what i am going through and work it out if i can write it down

i break through my barriers of insecurity by making myself vulnerable to my readers
this is who i am
this is what i do
this is my family
this is what i wear
this is how i feel
this is me
the good the bad and the ugly
for all to read

for today i press on and this continues to be a safe place for me
no matter if i write one post per day or one post per month

thank you for continuing to read and following along in this life of mine!!
happy wednesday!!

truth be told

truth be told .. it was something like 75 degrees here yesterday

admittedly not the most appropriate weather for velvet pants 

but .. in my defense .. it is november for goodness sake

someone must have forgotten to tell texas 

anyway .. i am considering moving into these pants on a permanent basis

they are stretchy and comfortable and basically feel like comfy sweats and yet they look super cute and way more dressed that sweats

in my opinion that makes them the most perfect pants that ever existed 

especially for those of us that work at preschool and have babies at home

happy tuesday!!

you've got no mail

you have all seen the movie you’ve got mail right??

you know that line at the very beginning when kathleen kelly {meg ryan} says ..

what will ny152 say today .. i wonder

i turn on my computer

i wait impatiently as it connects

i go online .. and my breath catches in my chest until i hear three little words

you’ve got mail

i hear nothing

not even a sound on the streets of new york

just the beating of my own heart

i have mail

from you

that is a pretty accurate description of how i feel every thirty seconds when i check my email

for that brief instant as my mail refreshes

i hold my breath and my heart rate speeds up

the anticipation is immense 

but the difference is that i am not waiting on an email from a crush

i am waiting on an email from our adoption consultant

an email about a birth mom 

possibly our birth mom

who is carrying what could be our baby

but for the last ten days or so the silence in my inbox has been deafening

i wait with anticipation as the little ticker swirls and i pray that susan’s email address will pop up

that i will have something .. anything .. from her

this wait is intense 

and sometimes too hard

but we keep going

we keep waiting

because that is who we are

we persevere

and have faith

so .. for now .. i have no mail

but someday i will

happy thursday!!

what not to say to someone who is adopting

i was at a birthday party a few nights ago and as the littlest was tottling around with all of the other kids .. the person sitting next to me commented on how cute she is and asked if RT and i want more kids

i told her that we do and that we are in the process of adopting

to which she kind of laughed and said .. oh so you will get pregnant again

she went on to say that exact same thing again later when i was asked by another person

just in case any of you every know someone who is adopting .. this is the wrong thing to say

i was nice in response and simply said .. our hearts are very invested in adoption and we really want to grow our family in that way .. but really i wanted to give her a dirty look and walk away without responding at all {and if i am really honest i also wanted to stick my tongue out at her like a two year old before i walked away}

i know she wasn’t trying to offend me which is why i chose not to be ugly to her and i know some of you might think i am a blogging contradiction right now because i did get pregnant while in the process of adopting

but .. just so you know .. making the choice to adopt is a very thoughtful decision

no one in their right mind would ever decide to adopt for the sole purpose of getting pregnant

first of all .. the adoption process can be very long

is for sure extremely emotional 

and is also a large financial commitment

second of all .. a person who is adopting is doing so because they have a strong desireand feel very committed to and invested in the process

and third of all .. that just makes no sense

yes .. RT and i have infertility issues

yes .. we were told we could not get pregnant 

and yes .. we did end up getting pregnant while we were in the process of adopting

but .. getting pregnant was not a result of choosing to adopt

it never is 

for anyone

the two are mutually exclusive

and suggesting otherwise is not cute or funny .. it is offensive

no matter how many people you have known who have gotten pregnant while adopting

i will now step down off of my soap box but i thought it best for me to tell you so that you don’t make this same unintentionally unkind mistake

you. are. welcome. {ha!}

happy thursday!!

the big o.n.e

yesterday the littlest turned one and my heart is overwhelmed
i spent most of the day trying not to cry but it wasn't necessarily sad .. it's just that this was the fastest year of my life
how is it possible that my brand newborn baby girl is already one year old?!?

she brings RT and i so much joy
she is growing and changing every second of everyday
she is a tiny little thing with a huge personality
and she is walking and talking like the toddler she is now officially

we had a little party at our house and it was so much fun
the littlest absolutely demolished her cake which was hilarious to watch
thank you to everyone who came over to celebrate our precious girl

happy birthday preshy!!
we love you so!!

a birthday baby flat lay because she is too busy to get an outfit picture :)

happy monday!!

watermelon

labor day is for hanging out on the dock and swimming in the lake

labor day is for an extra day off work to spend with family and friends

labor day is the final celebration of summer and the threshold of fall

but most importantly .. labor day is for chomping as much watermelon off the rind as your little tummy can hold :)

happy wednesday!!

back to school

today was the first day back to school
no more summer break for me
technically i work through the summer but the hours are very limited and even more flexible so i got to spend tons of time at home and doing fun things with RT and the littlest

i am glad for all of the kids to be back and to get the school year going but i am sad to be back to lots of time away from home
i don't think RT is very sad {ha!}
not that he wants me gone but he really loves his one on one time with the littlest on the days that he is home but i am at work

as far as first days go .. it was really pretty great!! all of the kids seemed to transition back into the swing of things fairly easy and even the littlest friends only struggled a little bit

so here is to a great school year!!
happy tuesday!!

june clever

i don't necessarily consider myself super traditional but the other day as i was in the kitchen making dinner i realized that we follow pretty traditional gender roles at my house

i don't know why but that struck me as kind of funny
it is not that one or the other of us wouldn't do the other's "jobs" so to speak .. but as the years of our marriage have passed .. we have simply fallen into those traditional roles

i am a fifties house wife
just call me june clever
ok not really

but i do all of the cooking at home .. except the outdoor grilling .. RT does that
but again with the traditional roles .. grilling is a man's job right??

the thing is that i really and truly love to cook

RT and i both work but he feels a major responsibility to leave the house in order to make money to support our family financially
that is what makes him feel like he is doing what needs to be done to take care of us
and he does a dang good job of it

going to work doesn't make me feel that way
preparing well balanced healthy and yummy meals for my family makes me feel like i am providing well for us
i love spending time in the kitchen preparing a meal that not only tastes delicious but also fuels our bodies with what they need to function at their best

RT is insanely meticulous about the yard work
he has very specific ways that he mows and he works constantly on the flower beds and keeping the outside appearance of the house in tip top shape
i am extremely appreciative of that but i have absolutely no desire to do yard work
not that i wouldn't just that i really really don't want to

i keep the inside picked up
we are super fortunate to have a housekeeper {whom i love dearly!!}
but between her visits i work to make sure that everything isn't disheveled and messy
if we are having people over .. i make sure everything is clean and in order
neither of us are the type of people who just leave stuff out or lying around so the tidying is a pretty easy job

RT is our resident handy man
if the fixing involves tools .. he is usually the one to do it

i do the grocery shopping
this goes along with the cooking i suppose but still i am generally the one to do it

the dishes are something we join forces to do
i try to do as much as i can during the process of making dinner and then after we eat RT does what is left while i pack up and store any left overs

we also both take care of the littlest
parenting is a fifty fifty partnership at our house

anyway .. this is all random and useless information to anyone who doesn't live in my house but like i said .. it struck me as kinda funny so i thought i would share

happy wednesday!!

will we be the ones

my palms are clammy
i keep subconsciously rubbing them on the thighs of my pants

my heart is thundering
so loud i can hear it in my ears

the butterflies in my stomach are going crazy
its like they are nervous too
flitting around at hyper speed

sometime this morning a birth mom is going to view our family profile
last i heard .. there are three other families she will be reading about too

this is the first time we have sent our profile to be viewed since before the littlest was born

for a few weeks now it has been real .. it has been a possibility

but now we truly have a fighting chance to be this baby's family .. to be this birth mom's family

i am nervous
i am excited
i am scared
i am hopeful

will we stand out??
will we be good enough??
will we be the right family for her .. for her baby??

i truly truly hope so!!
we will know soon :)

happy tuesday!!

the horse

we started the paperwork to update our home study to be able to get back on the proverbial adoption horse back in february

the first time we filled out all of that paperwork it took me about ten days

this time we finished it in mid may 

there were several reasons for the extremely drawn out process most of which is that with a little one to play with there just isn't a lot of time to sit and fill out paperwork

and working all the different appointments needed for finger prints and health checks and yada yada around her schedule was super hard

but we did finally finish it all .. had our visit with our super awesome social worker .. and had our equally super awesome consultant update our profile

so now we are firmly back on said horse

it is different this time

with the littlest at home we don't have the insane sense of urgency that we had before

we feel ready for whatever God has planned for us but are not in a hurry necessarily

but what is the same that .. i didn't expect .. is the consummation of the process

it instantly fills your head on a very constant basis

i check my email no less that five million times a day just in case there is something from susan regarding a birth mom
while we don't feel in a hurry i do feel impatient .. if that makes any sense at all
i don't just want to say we are ready .. i want to be back in the thick of it

our hearts and our home is open to whatever happens
like always .. the best news of all is that i am not in control

bring it on us God .. we want what you want

happy monday!!

then and now

two years ago going to the pool would have looked something like this ..
getting together with friends
laying out by the pool
cocktails and food on the grill
with loud music in the background

now going to the pool looks like this

i have been wanting to get a baby pool for the littlest for weeks now but have just never actually gone and gotten one
yesterday headed to the third grocery store of the morning {ARGH!!} the littlest was adamantly telling us that she was finished with grocery stores and was ready to go home
so RT .. being the awesome guy that he is .. took one for the team and dropped us off before he went out for the remaining two items
when he came back he had stopped by yet another store to pick up a baby pool
so when the littlest woke up from her afternoon nap we all donned our swim suits and enjoyed some pool time :)

happy monday!!