first kicks for dad to feel

top: kaya di koko

pants: asos maternity

shoes: sam edelman

i have a couple of pregnancy apps on my phone that i check daily for the little blurbs they write about what you might be feeling or the changes your body is going through or how your baby is growing etc ..

one of the apps has a timeline section and it said that RT would be able to feel the baby's kicks starting at week 21

i have been feeling her like crazy for several weeks now so we have been really excited for him to feel her too

when i saw first kicks for dad to feel on the timeline a couple weeks ago i got so excited and immediately started urging him to rest his hands on my belly any and every time she moved .. but he could never feel her

it actually caused a sort of comical tension because .. since i can feel her on the inside too and know exactly where she is moving .. i feel like he should be able to feel it just as strong

what do you mean you can't feel her?? i would ask
she is kicking right under your hand!!
how can you not feel that??

to which he would sort of huff and move away and say something like i don't know i just can't feel anything

and then we would both laugh .. because what a silly thing to get cross with each other about

we have had a version of that exact conversation many times

so .. the other night we were laying in bed and baby girl was kicking with what felt to me like all of her tiny might and i was just sure RT would be able to feel it this time

here babe .. put your hand right here .. she is kicking really hard

pretty quick she threw a killer blow and his face lit up like christmas .. i felt that!! he said
and then she did it again .. oh my gosh i felt that too!! he exclaimed
he was so excited and so was i!!

seeing his reaction was one of my favorite moments of this pregnancy so far
i am sure it is so weird for him to try and imagine all of the things i am describing that are going on with my body
but when he could finally feel her too it made him feel even more a part of everything

he is so supportive and attentive and excited about this entire process
he has been to every dr appointment and reads the weekly update emails that i forward him from baby center
he talks about it as much as i do for sure
but being able to feel his baby girl for the first time made it even more real

such a special gift she is to us!!

happy weekend!!

with love from portland

RT and i spent the long memorial day weekend in portland, oregon in celebration of our four year anniversary. neither of us had ever been and let me be honest .. it did not disappoint!! all of the restaurants use as many local ingredients as possible .. there are tons of local breweries and wineries so the restaurants serve all of that greatness .. the scenery is to die for .. the people are super friendly .. the weather was complete perfection .. all in all portland is absolutely amazing and i would highly recommend it to anyone who is interested

we flew out saturday morning and arrived at around noon

we had gotten recommendations from people and the internet about what to do so we went straight to portland's international rose test garden. it was gorgeous!! so many different kinds of roses and they are flippin' huge!! in TX our roses are pretty but they are miniscule in comparison to the beauties they grow up north 

saturday afternoon we checked into our hotel .. hotel lucia .. and then walked to clyde common for lunch. they were serving brunch which at first i wasn't super excited about but my scrambled eggs and whole wheat strawberry pancakes were so insanely yummy!! i also had a fresh made grapefruit pomegrante soda which was the perfect pairing. RT had eggs a big piece of thick cut bacon hash browns and biscuits and gravy with a local beer .. also really yummy!! then we walked around downtown for a while before we stopped for happy hour at nel centro .. more local brew for RT .. a non alcoholic beer and water for me :)
then we went back to the hotel and snoozed for an hour or so before getting ready and walking to tasty n alder for dinner. all of the food we ate while we were there was good but this was by far our best meal!! i had a burger and fries which sounds super ordinary but in reality was one of the best burgers i have ever eaten. RT had cowboy steak that was served with tortillas and fresh baked beans and a glass of pinot noir from right there in the willamette valley. for dessert we ordered fresh made chocolate potato donuts and butterscotch lava cake .. excuse me while i drool!!

sunday morning we woke up and had breakfast in the restaurant that was connected to our hotel .. the imperial .. i had the chilaquiles and fresh fruit coffee and fresh squeezed orange juice and RT had raspberry french toast with eggs bacon and coffee
then we jumped in our rental car and drove about an hour to see the water falls that are so awesome in the area. We actually didn't see them as we were heading there .. we stayed on the main highway and ended up crossing over the bridge of the gods into washington where we stopped at this pretty little park and beach

baby p and i checking out the view :)

sorry for the poor quality of this iphone pic

then we crossed back over the bridge and stopped to walk out on this peninsula that offered gorgeous views of the columbia river

from there we took the historic scenic highway back toward portland and stopped at horse tail falls where we hiked around for a few hours. the weather was cool and the hiking was out of this world. this was my favorite part of the trip i think

when we got back downtown we had lunch at cheryl's .. i had a tuna bake sandwich followed by a fresh decaf latte and RT  had a french dip sandwich
then we indulged in yet another afternoon nap {so awesome! i never nap in the afternoons .. the perfect vacation indulgence!!} before we went to deschutes brewery and public house for dinner. of all the food we ate while there this was very good but not the best .. i had mac and cheese {seems like a weird dinner choice but it was homemade and sounded so yummy!} .. RT had a bison burger with fries .. and then we had a fresh strawberry rhubarb crisp for dessert. RT was able to try several of their beers and he felt like they had the best selection of any other place we had been. his favorite was their fresh squeezed ipa
after dinner we walked back to the hotel .. watched a little monster week on animal planet and went to sleep

monday morning we went back to the imperial for breakfast .. i had eggs and ham with fresh fruit toast and coffee .. RT had a ham and cheese omelet with toast and a coffee and then we checked out and headed back home

this trip was exactly what we needed .. a quick getaway for just the two of us :)

happy wednesday!!

bright green

top: patterson j kincaid

skirt: i am not 100% sure honestly but i think mara hoffman

booties: rachel comey

i was playing with some photo editing today and i loved the way this filter made all of the colors super vibrant!! it makes it easy to pretend we have had lots of rain and that the grass is lush and green when in reality it is only kinda green and is far from lush

we are headed to portland this weekend to celebrate four years of marriage and i know it rains a lot there so hopefully we will get to experience lush surroundings for real

what are you guys doing this long holiday weekend??

hopefully something fun with loved ones :)

happy weekend!!

linen

 four years ago on this exact day i married this guy

best day of my life

as i sit here and try to type about him and our marriage and the last four years i am left feeling like there are no words to even describe {cheesy but true}

he is the very best person i know and i am so beyond lucky to get to do life with him

in the last four years .. we have been through a lot of happy and a lot of sad .. we have experienced a lot of excitement and a lot of disappointment .. we have been through good times and not so good times

but looking back .. all that matters is that we are together
we are partners no matter what
we love each other and support each other
and we continue to get better and better

in many ways i can't believe it has only been four years .. it has been a very eventful four years so it seems much longer
but in other ways i love that i can picture a very long future ahead of us

i love you RT
more and more everyday

happy anniversary!!

back to basics

making .. plans for what to do in Portland this weekend {suggestions very welcome}
cooking .. tamale casserole with a fresh salad .. cooking is a little iffy for me right now because my sniffer is out of control so quick easy or crock pot recipes are my go to
drinking .. water! water! water! and cranberry orange juice
reading .. the fault in our stars
wanting .. sugar!! I have never loved sour patch kids more
looking .. forward to lake season even though currently we are really low on water
playing .. fairway blast .. a card game on the ole ipad
wasting .. disposable gloves .. i use multiple pairs a day .. i am ashamed
wishing .. for rain .. this drought is no bueno
enjoying .. all the little movements baby girl is making
waiting .. for her to be big and strong enough that RT can feel her too
wondering .. what angel baby will look like when we finally see her face to face
loving .. my ever growing baby bump
hoping .. for a little peace
marveling .. at how hot it already is .. what will this mean for august tx?!?
needing .. maternity clothes
smelling .. everything!! pregnancy has heightened my already over active sense of smell by about a million
wearing .. anything fitted .. i love showing baby girl off
following .. adoption stories {because apparently i like torturing myself}
noticing .. how much i talk about/think about baby p
thinking .. that our anniversary is Ina. few days and boy what a marriage it has been .. i love that man!!
bookmarking .. crib bedding
opening .. boxes full of shipment for the hoop
giggling .. at stories my boss tells about her two year old daughter .. she is just the cutest funniest little girl
feeling .. this is a question that everyone asks when you are pregnant .. how are you feeling?? .. and honestly i have been really lucky up until now .. i have felt as normal as a person can feel with a tiny human growing inside them {although that visual admittedly freaks me out a little ha!}

for breath

top: joie

skirt: bobi

shoes {even though you can't see them}: dolce vita

lately .. i often find myself gasping for breath

people tell me i am strong

strong to have endured everything we have endured
strong to keep going day after day
strong to stay positive

but i don't always feel strong

i often feel suffocated .. 

suffocated by the devastation that i still feel from the two failed rounds of ivf that we endured
that seems so long ago now and yet the wound is still so raw
we were so confident on that path
but {at least so far} we were let down

suffocated by the devastation of both failed adoptions
and even by the sadness of presenting to a birth mom that you hope and pray will choose you .. but then she doesn't .. suffocated by the rejection .. why weren't we the ones?? why weren't we good enough??

and surprisingly .. even suffocated by this miracle pregnancy

it is no secret to those who know me that i suffer from a severe anxiety disorder
i get over anxious about things that most people don't even think twice about
it is something i have learned to live with and deal with in as healthy a way as possible

it is part of who i am

normally .. when i have bad anxiety i am able to take medication
but with the pregnancy .. i haven't wanted to take anything
my dr did prescribe something that i could take safely while pregnant but the one time i took it .. the added anxiety of taking the pill made things way worse not better at all .. so i won't be doing that again

anyway .. ever since B decided to parent .. my anxiety has been out of control
i am terrified that something will go wrong with the baby girl i am carrying
all of my dr appointments have been normal but i am still so scared

we have been so close to getting a baby so many times
so incredibly confident in each process we have been a part of
so open with our hearts and our minds
and every single time the dream gets taken from us
whether at the beginning {which was the case with the failed rounds of ivf}
or at the very very end {which has been our experience with adoption so far}

the fear that something awful will happen with this baby girl is consuming
i am even having vivid nightmares about it

i have never wished time away so much in my life
september will never get here fast enough

i don't understand this path that RT and i are on
i don't understand the pain
the heart break
the disappointment
the anxiety
and honestly i don't think i ever will understand

we just keep going
day after day
putting one step in front of the other
because that is the only choice right?!?

i feel suffocated and yet somehow i continue to breathe

wishing for calm this friday ..

rain!!

top: heartloom

short: heartloom

shoes: circus by sam edelman

rain rain
come and stay
day after day after day after day

we are under extreme drought conditions here in the great state of TX and right now it is raining!! hopefully it just keeps coming down for as long as possible because we need it desperately!!

in other news .. i ordered this outfit while at market in january before i knew i was pregnant
that was long enough ago that when i saw the order of shorts and a top coming in for me i got a little nervous because i couldn't remember exactly what the shorts and top looked like and i wasn't sure if i would be able to wear any of it

so imagine my relief when these loose elastic waisted beauties came out of the box and the top is nice and flowy too .. i am a happy girl!!

happy rainy monday!!

saying goodbye

tomorrow morning RT and i will drive to OK to spend the weekend with his family celebrating the life of his precious grandad

a couple of weeks ago grandad was in a car accident that flipped his truck and since then he as been in icu fighting hard for his life
on tuesday afternoon his fight was over
for those of us that are left here missing him it is a devastating reality .. but i know he is in heaven right now chatting it up with mickey mantel and that makes me smile

he was a family man through and through
he loved his wife, kids, grandkids and great grandkids more than anything else and he found his joy in spending time with everyone
we all continue to find joy in telling our stories of him

i consider myself so lucky to have been able to know him and to have been accepted by him into his family

we love you grandad!!