raise your hand

will all the mothers in the room please raise their hands

that is the first thing that was said at church yesterday morning

instant tears

it was in church on mother's day last year that the i want a baby bug bit me for the first time

yesterday morning i couldn't raise my hand
i am not a mother

it is as if my heart is in a vice grip and sometimes the pain isn't so bad but then in an instant the grip will squeeze tight and i feel like i will not survive the hurt

it honestly isn't that i can't stand for other people to be mothers. i want for everyone in church that has the privledge of being a mom to raise their hand. i want them to be recognized for all that they do. i want to celebrate the mothers in my life .. mine .. RTs .. our grandmothers .. our sisters .. our friends .. i want to celebrate all of the mommas out there

it's just that i want to be one of them so bad

i want to raise my hand

it is not about jealousy 

it is about personal sadness

personal desire

i know that someday i will be a mother 

i know that someday RT and i will look back at this time with our kids running around at our feet and it will be a distant memory

i know that someday i will know what our family looks like

but today is not that day

and that just plain makes me sad