matched .. again

top: rails

pants: j brand

boots: jeffrey campbell

this is the kind of shirt that i could wear everyday all day and still never get tired of it. it is soft and cozy and big and comfy and colorful and just all around awesome ..

anyway ..

friday night .. right before i was leaving the hoop .. i received a text from a case worker in florida that we have been chosen by a birth mom due with a baby girl in april!!

she saw our profile on monday and we had been impatiently waiting the rest of the week hoping to hear good news

i sent the case worker a text early in the day on friday letting her know that we were very excited and anxious to hear and were hoping for good news. she responded letting me know she didn't have a final answer quite yet but that she was pretty sure it was going to be great news and that she would call me as soon as she had a final decision

it was hard not to hold my breath for the rest of the day
my anxiety was up
the butterflies in my stomach were on overdrive

is this mom our birth mom??
is her baby going to be our baby too??

then .. at close to five i received a text saying

great news!

i am so happy to let you know that B picked your family!

she is so excited as i'm sure you are as well :)

 

the most beautiful words ever typed in a text!

 

i called RT immediately

and .. he didn't answer

so i called right back

and .. he still didn't answer

so i called a third time

and .. this time he answered

{i get annoyed when people do this to me because i'm like if i couldn't answer one second ago what makes you think i can answer now but that doesn't apply to me too does it?? ha!} 

 

i tried to act all nonchalant asking him what he was doing and blah blah blah before i blurted out

you are going to be a daddy in april!!

 

we are so excited!!

 

i will be honest .. it is hard to completely let down our guard and feel these emotions fully after everything we went through with M but we can't hold her against this birth mom or against ourselves for that matter

she happened and that sucks but i have to remember not to give her any power over me .. over my emotions .. or over our adoption process as a whole

we have learned from our experience but i refuse to be jaded because of it

 

happy happy happiest of mondays!!

perspective

a little happiness from the hoop today :)

top: sam+lavi

skirt: sam+lavi

vest: madison marcus

sometimes i find myself in desperate need of true perspective

all of this i word hooplah that we have been dealing with for the last year and a half has intensified that need ten fold
what i struggle with is that the longer we trudge through this the harder perspective is to focus on .. or really care about

it is easy to just get wrapped up by the darkness of the hurt and lose sight of all that is good

in the last year and a half my faith has been tried more that any other time in my life but the perspective i am focusing on today is that my GOD is in control

He knows our future

He knows the entire story

He knows our baby

something i have said to many people is that we feel the emptiness of our arms more and more everyday
that is true .. we so desperately want a little angel to snuggle and love and raise

i don't understand why this is our path
i don't know why we were intended to endure all that we have
but i do know that one day we will have a baby and that will make every bit of this worth it

every tear

every doubt

every tense moment

every heart break

when we get to hold our baby for the first time .. i will be infinitely grateful for every single thing that will have brought us to that moment .. that child .. good and bad

i receive a daily devotional from the girlfriends in GOD and today's message was about mary and what she had to have been feeling and thinking when she received the news that she would give birth to the Son of GOD. the prayer at the end was sent straight to my heart ..

heavenly FATHER, when i think about how mary must have felt, my heart swells. her willingness to be Your servant, her faith to believe the angel, and her trust that You would accomplish what You had planned stirs me to do the same. LORD, i am willing to do whatever You have for me to do. i have faith that nothing is impossible for You. i trust that You will always do what is best for me. may it be said of me, “blessed is she who has believed that what the LORD has said to her will be accomplished.”
in JESUS’ name .. amen

i beleive strongly that GOD put the desire to have children and to adopt on our hearts .. i just have to keep perspective that He is in control and what He has said will be accomplished

happy wednesday!!

something new

i need a change
i have had the same look for way too many years now and i just really need something new and fresh
so .. i am feeling very inspired by jennifer lawrence's recent hair cut and have been scouring pinterest for ideas and looks that i like
the three above are my favorites so far ..
what do you guys think .. major image change yay or nay??

happy tuesday!!

the end of an m story

top:mcginn

bottoms:citizens of humanity

shoes:jeffrey campbell

earrings:loren hope

or at least i hope it's the end ..

on monday RT called the agency that m was working with to talk to them about getting our money back. we are continuing on in our adoption journey and want to be ready to fully commit if we get picked by a birth mom

the people at this agency have been great and have continued to keep us updated on developing information that pertains to our story ..

on monday the guy at the agency received the proof from the clinic that m was going to that she was never pregnant .. NEVER PREGNANT!!

it boils my blood
makes me want to scream
makes me want to hate
infuriates me to no end

she was playing us the entire time .. making up this insanely elaborate and detailed lie for who knows what .. attention?!?
they received proof that the appointments that she was taken to by our case worker were for a variety of different things such as general pelvic pain and blah blah blah .. basically she made up reasons to make appointments because her adoption case worker intended to take her to her 'prenatal' appointments

it literally makese sick to my stomach that i ever had contact with such a twisted and devious person

at this point i can only hope that we never hear from her or about her ever again
i can only hope that in some way she is held accountable for her actions
i am so ready to stop being controlled emotionally but this poisonous human being
i don't want to think of her or the pain she has caused us anymore

so hopefully this is that last you will hear of her too :)

happy wednesday!!

a house update

i am not going to lie .. the house has gotten put on the back burner a little bit the last several weeks .. we have had so much other drama and have been thankful that the house has been moving along very smoothly!!

 

this morning i came into town early hoping to get into my barre class

i was no1 on the wait list so i thought for sure i would get in .. but i didn't ..

 

seeing as how i then had over an hour to kill i went by the house .. we have tile and grout y'all!! we are getting so close to being finished and being able to move in and i can not wait!! i think this week they are going to start sanding and staining the floors and after that they have to pour the driveway .. install iron work .. put up fans and chandelliers .. lay carpet .. and then that will be it

 

 

just a few weeks to go :)

laundry room

downstairs bath

master bath

upstairs bath floor

upsatirs bath shower walls

happy monday!!

black friday

this is what happens when my mom makes me laugh right when she takes the picture {ha!}

shirt: way old from a tom petty concert

jacket: bcbg maxazria

pants: citizens of humanity

shoes: steve madden

sunnies: prada

in honor of black friday i wore all black today
i also stripped all of the color from my pictures and opted for a tonal black and white option
i always really love when other people do it but i am such a color lover that when i switch my own photos to black and white it kinda makes me sad .. but it went with my theme today so i did it anyway

did you all have a wonderful thanksgiving??
i know i did!! tons of my family members congregated at my parents' house and we ate till we thought we would die and talked the day away .. good food and good people .. it really can't get better than that do you think??

and just in case you are in the area .. to kick of the holiday season we are offering 30% off everything in store {excluding jewelry} at the hoop this weekend only
come see us and stock up on some awesome wardrobe goodies :)

happy weekend!!

our real life lifetime movie

last tuesday i wrote this post telling you all about our sweet TP
let me start by telling everyone how much your love and support means to us
so many of you reached out to us with kind words of encouragement and sorrow and we appreciate every single bit of it!!

last tuesday the tragedy of our still born daughter was my truth
today i have no truth

let me start on tuesday night at 7:30pm ..

RT was at work and my parents host bible study at their house on tuesday nights so when i got home from work i went upstairs .. changed into my pjs .. made some dinner .. poured some wine .. and sat down to watch glee on dvr

pretty quickly my mom came and got me and asked me to come down to their house and i thought she was being weird but what awaited me downstairs was out of the realm of my thinking

as soon as i walked in the door their house phone rang .. it was RT and he wanted to talk to me .. normally he would just call my cell phone but he wanted me to be with my parents for support

he had been in contact on and off all day with the agency that M was working with
M had signed the necessary forms in order for the adoption agency to acquire information regarding the birth and death of our baby
they had gone to the hospital and were told that they had absolutely no record of M being there .. let alone giving birth to a still born baby
she continued to stand by her story and even go into more and more detail until friday when RT finally got her to tell us that she had been lying the entire time
according to her .. she started to have second thoughts about placing the baby for adoption but didnt want to dissappoint us so she made up the lie about the baby dying
according to her .. she is still pregnant

we don't know if that is true or not but we do know without a shadow of a doubt that the story she conjoured about our little girl dying was a lie

i can't even imagine what kind of person could do something like this ..

when you go through the process of adoption .. both the birth family and the adoptive family are made very aware that birth mothers have the right to change their minds and decide to parent at any point leading up to the time when they sign their relinquishment papers
it happens all the time
women often feel very different about their little ones when they see them and hold them
we knew that was a risk factor in this situation

in fact M and i had talked at length about how if she did change her mind .. RT and i both wanted her to know that while we would be heartbroken we would be extremely supportive of her and would love her and the baby no matter what

but instead of being honest with us .. she made up a lie that hurt us more than anything ever has
neither of us have ever felt the depth of pain and sorrow that consumed us when we were told that our daughter had died
M and i talked on the phone several times throughout the weekend immediately following her lie
she described to me in detail what the baby looked like .. lots of dark wavy hair .. dark complexion .. long full eyelashes .. five pounds .. eighteen inches long .. big feet and hands
she told me what it was like to hold her and bathe her and clothe her
she told me that she had saved the hospital blanket and hat that they had put on her so that she could send them to me
she asked if we would be a part of any funeral arrangements that she made
she and i cried together numerous times

and it was all a lie

 

i have been filled with an immense amount of anger and betrayal

i have been in shock that people like her actually exist

but i refuse to allow her to have any more control over me

 

RT and i beleive strongly that GOD wants us to adopt

we are confident that this is the path we are intended to be on

we have no idea why M was meant to be a part of our story but we do know that one day when we are holding our baby in our arms that every bit of this horrible i word journey will have lead up to that moment

 

so for now i continue to praise GOD for the many many blessings in my life rather than dwelling on the awful that has become a very real part of our current normal

 

and who knows .. maybe someday we will sell this crazy sick twisted story to the lifetime network and they will make a hit movie out of it ..

 

ha! kidding!!

 

happy tuesday!!