plans

on sunday in church our pastor was talking about GOD's plan versus our plan
sometimes when i am sitting in church i feel like i might as well be sitting in there with a spotlight over me and the pastor turned talking directly to me and never even acknowledging the rest of the people
do you ever feel that way??

if you were to ask me who's plan i prefer .. mine or GOD's i would say GOD's every time
in my head and in my heart i know that for a fact

and yet i instinctively try to be in control
i want to plan out every second of my life and i feel like GOD should just go along with that

i want good things
things i think GOD wants for me
i want health and happiness for the people that i love
i want financial security for the people that i love
i want my little family to continue to grow
and on and on .. ya know .. stuff like that

good stuff right??

the problem isn't what my wants are
the problem is my need to control the timing of everything

our i word issues are the most prominent example in my life so far ..
RT and i had a plan .. we would get pregnant in august of 2012
and then again a couple of years later
and then a couple of years after that

and then our plan changed {notice it was still our plan}
ivf would work
so we would get pregnant in april of 2013

and then our plan changed again
ivf would work
so we would get pregnant in july of 2013

and then our plan changed again
adoption would work {we still hope that it will}
and our baby would join our family in November 2013

and then our plan changed again
adoption would work {we still hope that it will}
and our baby would join our family in April 2014

and all the while GOD was shaking his head at us and telling us to just trust HIM because we would have our first baby in September 2014

i prayed all the time during all of that
i read my bible and worked through multiple devotionals
i wanted to be close to GOD
i wanted to feel HIS love
but i wasn't listening
that is key!!

and embarrassingly i don't think i ever began to listen in that particular situation .. i just quit talking to GOD about the i word for a while and started praising HIM for the littlest
ugh!

so .. as i continue to work through the paperwork to update everything so that we are current with all of our adoption stuff .. i am trying to shut up and listen
because HIS plan is better than mine
no matter what
every. single. time.

wish me luck :)

happy Tuesday!!