embracing the change

clearly it is no secret that RT and i have literally been living in hell on this seemingly endless journey to be parents so being pregnant despite everything is not something we take for granted

we both spend all day everyday thanking GOD for the baby girl slowly growing inside me
she is such a blessing to us!!

everyday is something different and i am absolutely loving the changes happening in my body!! i have been really lucky in that i have felt great so far .. a couple of migraines and quite a bit of tiredness during my first trimester but no morning sickness and pretty much as soon as my second trimester started i got my energy back

now she is big enough that the people around me are noticing her and i can feel her moving and grooving in there which is so fun!! i am excited for her to get big enough that RT can feel her too

so here is my first for real bump style post .. my only complaint so far is that a lot of pregnant styles are really basic which i am not!! it will be interesting to figure out how to still showcase my personal style while dressing this new shape i've got going on {ha!}

top: revamped tom petty concert t from back in high school

skirt: soft joie

shoes: united nude

happy tuesday!!

a yummy snack

one thing that i have really noticed throughout this pregnancy is my hunger. it is not that i am eating a ton more than normal or anything. but there is no progression into hunger. one minute i am fine and the next i am literally starving to death

i haven't had any weird cravings .. sugar and carbs and italian are my favorites but that is very normal for me

so anyway .. i have been trying to eat and snack healthy and on things that contain the vitamins and nutrients i need in order to properly feed our little munchkin

i found this recipe for homemade fig newtons {which i LOVE} on the fit pregnancy website and honestly they turned out really good .. my only complaint is that it made too many for just me so i ended up throwing out several of them but taste wise they we super yummy :)

so here is how you make them:

in a large bowl mix together 2 cups almond flour .. ¼ teaspoon baking soda and a pinch of salt

in a smaller bowl cream together ½ cup sugar .. ½ cup butter and one egg

add wet ingredients to dry ingredients and mix until just combined

divide cookie dough into three parts and refrigerate one hour

place 1½ cups figs in a bowl and cover with hot water and soak for 10 minutes

drain and place in food processor with 2 tablespoons fresh lemon juice .. 2 tablespoons molasses .. 2 tablespoons honey .. ½ teaspoon vanilla extract and blend until a smooth paste forms

preheat oven to 350° f

dust rolling surface with a little more of the flour

roll out one part of dough into a 10-inch-by-5-inch rectangle using as much flour as needed to prevent sticking

spread 1⁄3 of the filling evenly down the right side of the rectangle. fold the dough in half down the long side and gently press the seam together. repeat with two remaining parts of dough. cut each log into ten equal parts and place fold-down on baking sheet

bake 12 to 15 minutes .. rotating halfway .. until golden around edges

and this is what you get ..

enjoy :)
happy monday!!

can't stop thinking about her

top: parker

bottoms: citizens of humanity

shoes: circus by sam edelman

all she knew was that once they took her from her

life would go back to being unendurable

except .. and this was the worst part .. she would in fact endure it

it wouldn't kill her

she'd keep living day after day after day

an endless loop of sunrises and sunsets

{liane moriarity: the husband's secret}

not how i thought it would go

my mom and i on the beach our first full day in florida

ripping the band.aid ..

this is a very long story so i will condense as best i can

thursday april 3rd i left home on a two day car trip with my mom headed to B .. it didn't go how i thought it would

we drove to new orleans the first day and spent the night
it was the perfect place to stop
we walked around for a little bit .. in and out of galleries and shops .. had a great dinner at mr.b's .. had dessert at cafe du monde .. took a pedi.cab around the french quarter seeing the sights .. walked bourbon street .. had a great night's sleep at hotel monteleone .. had a delish breakfast at petite amelie .. and then got back in the car

we drove the final nine hours that day and checked into our condo at 7:30pm

a few weeks before i had talked to B about wanting to come a little bit early and she said that sounded great and asked me to come on the fourth {her due date was the 9th}
so when we got in i let our case worker {i will call her K} and B know and how excited we were to see her
the next morning we got up and took a long walk on the beach and when i talked to K she said that she had arranged everything with B and that we would meet for brunch the next morning on sunday
we spent the rest of the day exploring the touristy part of the little town we were staying in and then went home for the night
the next morning we got up and got ready but then i received word from K that B wasn't feeling well and didn't want to go to brunch
she was already dilated 3cm and so i was very understanding

B had an appointment with her dr. on tuesday and afterward K called to let me know that she was now 5cm dilated and that the dr had separated her membranes {i still don't really know what that means} 
she felt like B would have the baby within 24hrs
RT and my dad started making arrangements and arrived at the airport the next day .. wednesday .. but the baby still hadn't come

fast forward to sunday morning .. we still had not seen B and are still waiting on baby
it was palm sunday and we really wanted to go to church so my mom found one online and we went
i was a little bit distracted at first because i didn't get phone service inside the church and i was nervous the baby would come and we wouldn't know but the pastor and his message were great so i was quickly able to let go and pay attention

when we left church and got to a place where i had reception my phone whistled that i had a text message
it was from K .. she was texting to let us know B had delivered our baby girl early that morning but had decided to parent .. she sent that information in a TEXT MESSAGE .. we weren't thrilled

i promptly burst into uncontrollable sobs while RT called K
at that point she had not seen or talked to B
she had only received a text from B saying that she had had the baby and wasn't sure she could go through with the adoption

this was not how i thought it would go

pretty quickly after we arrived back at our condo we received a call from the attorney we had been working with from the adoption agency
she let us know that K was headed up to the hosiptal to see B and she advised us to go as well
they were planning to encourage B to at least see us
not to try and convince her of anything but just because we had come a long way and had been very supportive of her and they felt like it was right for her to see us

this was not how i thought it would go but i still had a tiny bit of hope

when we got to the hospital we waited for a little bit in the waiting room before we were able to talk to K
when she told B that we were there and wanted to see her she got very upset .. she felt like we were intruding by just showing up at the hospital without finding out if it was ok with her
one of the nurses heard K talking to us and even though she wasn't telling us anything confidential or private {she was simply letting us know that B and baby were fine but that she didn't want to see us and was helping us decide what to do next} she went back to B and told her that K was spreading her business all over the place
this upset B even more and the next morning .. monday .. when the social worker for the hospital arrived she told her that we were harassing her and that she no longer wanted to place the baby
as soon as she used the word harass .. the agency's hands were tied

we got a call monday morning that pretty much just said ..
B is being discharged today
she is taking the baby with her
you guys should probably go home

it was not how i thought it would go

we were back in the same place we constantly find ourselves ..

devastated

heart broken

lacking any kind of answers or closure

so the four of us packed up the car and drove the 1,000+ miles drive home

it was the saddest angriest quietest car ride i have ever been a part of but i was so glad to have my parents there with us

supporting us emotionally

going through the pain with us

just another set of arms to wrap around us

another set of ears to hear our sobs and struggles

another set of mouths to talk through it all

they are the best people i know .. thank you mom and dad!!

we got home mid day on tuesday but i took the rest of the week off .. today is my first day back at the hoop

it is just so hard to go back to real normal life when what i really feel like is that i left my daughter in florida

i was supposed to be her mom

RT was supposed to be her dad

how could we just leave her in florida?!?

but we had no choice

we have no choice but to live through the pain and loss and sadness 

our incredibly supportive and amazing adoption consultant sent me this link to send to family and friends so that they could understand at least a little bit what we are going through and feeling and respond accordingly .. if you are interested you should give it a read. it really is good

and while i am ripping band.aids .. i will keep going ..

i am pregnant

miraculously .. despite our 0% chance of ever becoming pregnant on our own

due mid september

she is a little girl {i mean aren't they all ha!} and we are beyond excited!!

having her does not take away from the pain of losing B's baby girl but she is a little ray of sunshine in what is an extremely dark time for us

we were so excited to have two little girls 

so close in age

one just five months older than the next

we dreamed of our future with them constantly

but now we struggle to find the strength to get through this

to continue to be excited and grateful for the miracle baby quickly growing inside me while simultaneously mourning the loss of the baby girl in florida

the roller coaster that is my life continues

this is not how i thought it would go ..

he will be her daddy

as i sit here, on the afternoon before i leave to go spend time with B and .. very soon .. meet our daughter .. i am struck with thoughts of our past. this picture represents the beginning of us as a family and in just a few days we will have a baby girl. i can't believe how far we have come since our wedding day. and the more i think about that .. the more i think about RT and what a lucky wife i am. and what a lucky little girl our daughter will be to have him as her daddy

as we have worked our way through the adoption process .. my husband has been just as involved as i am. he calls our case worker and checks on B several times a week. he is always asking if i have talked to her and if so .. what is going on. it is so special to share this journey with someone who is just as dedicated and emotionally invested in the process as i am. he wants to be a dad more than anything and it is incredibly special to experience this with him. i know his dedication will continue even after we get home. his work schedule allows him to be home quite a bit so he will get a lot of opportunities to spend quality time with baby girl being a very hands on dad

i am just so thankful for the partner that i have!!

i remember sitting on our wedding day thinking about the man i was about to dedicate my life to and what i thought our future would hold. neither has turned out like i thought .. both are better than i could have ever imagined!! we have gone through hard times but we are closer and stronger because of it

now i sit wondering about our baby girl and what the future will be like and all i know for sure is that she will be our daughter and we will finally be mom and dad .. best! feeling! ever!

i won't be back to the blog until we get home in a few weeks but be prepared for baby photo bomb big time :)

happy wednesday!!