unexpected fear

top: patterson j kincaid

skirt: young fabulous and broke

shoes: steve madden

sometimes i sit here before i write a blog post and i battle with whether or not to write what is truly on my heart
do i really want to put that out on the internet for anyone to read??
will people judge me??
is it too personal??
is it good?? bad?? ugly??

but what i have to remember is that if i'm not honest i'm not me

so here goes with a story of unexpected fear ..

RT and i have been on a long tortured road to children for a little over a year and a half now. if you are a long time reader then you know all about it. if not {and you are interested} look back. lots of ups and downs all leading us to the baby that the LORD has special for us. all leading us to B and her angel baby girl. all leading us to our family .. finally

we have worked hard and endured a lot to get to this point and exactly one week from today i will arrive in B's home town to spend time with her and .. when baby is ready .. meet our daughter. the timing is not unexpected .. we have been matched with B for months and have been anxiously awaiting her due date. but now that it is here .. like really and truly here .. along with all of the happiness and excitement .. i am scared and the what ifs are haunting me

what if we totally suck at being parents
what if we are unprepared
what if she decides to parent
what if what if what if what if

i hate the insecurity of it and yet there those feelings are
straight from the enemy himself
fighting their way into my head as i desperately try to keep them out of my heart

this is what we want more than anything. loving that little girl is what my heart was made to do and i trust that she will get to come home with us and be ours. but despite my greatest efforts .. those unexpected fears are there

happy weekend!!

book worm

shirt: tom petty concert t from high school

jacket: rebecca taylor

jeans: citizens of humanity .. their rocket fit is AMAZING

shoes: dolce vita

want to know something about me??
i am a book worm

i have always loved to read but it really is kind of an obsession for me. i really like music too but i can't stand the radio so when i am in the car i listen to audio books

and i don't read books that are meaningful or scholastic at all. i like to listen to murder mysteries that have a little comedy thrown in to lighten the mood and i like to read romance novels that most often are based around people ages twenty to thirty. they have no real purpose but they are entertaining and when i get into a book all i want to do is read until it is over. and then i usually get kinda sad

i am sure you think that is a lie because it sounds so ridiculous but it's the honest truth. i spend days at a time doing nothing but reading and so i get really into the story and characters and when the story is over i mourn just a tiny bit. nothing major just a little twinge of wishing for more

phew it feels better to get that off my chest!!
off to read .. my girl just got kidnapped and i NEED to know what happens

happy wednesday!!

i spy

i spy a tiny chichi hiding behind my legs :)

top: parker

pants: j brand

shoes: circus by sam edelman

sunnies: free people

i hate to ramble about the weather but at this point it just can't be helped. i mean all this business of 50° one day and 80° the next is about to make me lose my mind. make up your mind tx! warm or cold .. either way lets just stick with one so i can get properly dressed in the morning ok?!?

don't be fooled by the white jeans open toed shoes and the sunshine surrounding me in the above photos .. it was pretty dang cold when i left for work this morning. not nyc cold {michael strahan informed me that it was 22° there this morning} but it is the end of march in tx .. 30s when i wake up in the morning is a little bit crazy

in other news .. 10 days until i leave to go see B and 14 days until her due date!! i finally got all of baby girl's stuff unpacked washed and put away this weekend .. it has all been still sitting in boxes since the move but being as close to meeting her as we are i figured it was time to get her room ready. i can't believe how close we are!! hopefully these next two weeks won't drag too slow :)

happy monday!!

swim wear

every year about this time i start getting the itch to start my swim suit shopping. this year is no different except i don't care a whole lot about what swimwear i am going to get .. all i can think about is what baby girl is going to wear

we are lake people so she is going to have to have some suits and little swim caps and i am just really super duper excited!!

isn't this stuff so cute?!?

i know my mom will especially like the dinosaur one .. i mean mom!! doesn't she just absolutely need a swim suit with dinosaurs all over it?!? it is only fitting {ha!}

happy weekend!!

twenty days

top: madison marcus
pants: asos
shoes: steve madden

let's be honest .. i have been counting down to B's due date for an embarrassingly long time now but we are down to low numbers .. exactly twenty days from today!!

my mom and i are going to head to her a little bit early so that i can spend some more time with her before the baby comes so really my countdown to seeing B is less than twenty days

isn't that crazy?!?

we have been struggling to start our family for a really long time and now we are twenty days from holding our little girl
twenty days from snuggling her close
twenty days from kissing her cheeks {that i hope are perfect and full just like B's}
twenty days from seeing what she looks like
twenty days from changing diapers and clothes and feeding and rocking her
twenty days from being mommy and daddy

woohoo!!
i am excited!!

happy tuesday!!

dog models

sometimes when it is sunny while we are taking blog photos I get accidental mad face .. sorry :(

yesterday RT and i had the day off together. we spent the day running errands and what not so this comfy casual outfit was just the ticket. this dream tank by michael stars is my new favorite t .. the love skirt you have seen before .. it is a tried and true favorite along with my acid washed denim jacket and chucks .. topped off with these new sunnies from free people that RT says make me look like john lennon .. i'm taking it as a compliment {ha!}

my dogs are models .. i thought you would appreciate their cuteness :)

happy weekend!!

CB my love

warning!! lots and lots of crazy cuteness below!!

we are back from the colorful colorado and i know you were maybe thinking i would never return to this blog but alas here i am :)

no last thursday but the thursday before .. RT picked me up from the hoop at six pm and we started the long trek to trinidad, co. my brother and his family, my sister and her family and RT and i all left home at different times so we decided to stay in the same place that night so that we could get up and caravan the last few hours into CB together

RT and i were the last to arrive at our night time destination pulling in at about one am. i won't even pretend like it was a tough drive/long night or any of that jazz because my husband is a freaking rock star and he drove the whole way while i faded in and out of sleep .. he is good to me :)

the next morning we got up early and got on the road and we were in CB by mid day. it was perfect because we got to drive the prettiest part of the drive during the day and then we had plenty of time to get unpacked and settled that afternoon before dinner

the next two days were ski days. there was tons of fresh snow on the ground and the skiing was absolutely unbeleivable!! i am awesome and took zero skiing pictures {yea for me .. not}. all i have is a pretty great video of janey emery and deuce skiing like little pros but i can't for the life of me figure out how to upload a video on here .. it is not for a lack of trying i promise!!

on the third day we went sledding and the kids had a blast! it is more and more fun every year because the bigger they get the more into it they are .. emery's face in is first pictures might just make it the best picture of the whole trip right?!?

after some sledding the two big girls tried ice skating for the first time. i think the movie frozen and then two weeks of the olympics might have made it look easier than it actually was but they had fun and that was all that mattered :) my brother went as well and he was {not surprisingly} really good first step out onto the ice .. but the girls had to work a little harder. they did though and the more they were on the ice the more confident they got and it was so fun to watch them try to master yet another fun activity :)

their brothers watched enthusiastically {ha!}

i will leave you with the one cute picture taken of RT and i on the vacay

CB .. i love you more and more every visit .. until next time!!

happy tuesday!!