a very happy nye to you

it would be cool if i could figure out how to add videos to this here blog of mine because i used flipagram to create a cute little slideshow of some instas from this year but alas i cannot so here is an outfit including a trule phenominal coat that i got for Christmas :) and if you want to see the video head on over to my instagram account

jacket: mcginn
tshirt: target
jeans: tripp nyc
shoes: l.a.m.b.

as i am sure everyone else is doing .. today i find myself looking back and reflecting on the past year. my initial reaction is one of overwhelming and all consuming sadness. what a year of trials we have endured

but you know what .. we made it

we made it through two rounds of failed ivf
i would never have believed myself strong enough to make it through that

we made it through the waiting game of starting the adoption process and getting a finalized home study

we made it through being matched and building a relationship with m

and then we made it through m
she was possibly the hardest hurdle to jump
i still struggle with relinquishing the emotions i feel toward her
they are dark and powerful and i hate to give that to her

if someone had told me two years ago what we would endure in order to become parents i would never have tried
i would have continued to be content in my relationship with RT and never have even entertained the idea of having children
i would have been certain that i would not be strong enough to survive it all

and yet i have .. we have .. RT and i .. and all of our precious friends and family

so instead of reflecting on the sadness .. today i choose to be positive
2013 has proven to me that i am stronger than i would have ever imagined
2013 has proven that my marriage can endure serious heartache
2013 has proven that RT is the strongest most supportive man on earth
2013 has proven that we have a truly incredible group of family and friends standing beside us

and after today the year two thousand thirteen will be firmly in the past

hopefully next year will bring us the baby we want so badly
it is definitely bringing us an incredible new home to live in
and we will be together .. still standing strong .. even stronger than before .. all thanks to one pretty sucky year :)

happy new year everyone!!

calling all santa tees and red sweaters

top: pj salvage

sweater: patterson j kincaid

skirt: soft joie

shoes: converse

hey guys! hope everybody had an awesome Christmas! we sure did .. we went up to ok for a couple of days to celebrate with RTs side of the family and then came back to town on Christmas Eve to hang with my side

we ate lots of good food .. watched lots of gifts get torn into .. had lots of good conversation .. and ended the whole shoobang with a pretty killer game of hide and seek during which my three year old nephew would hide and then when you called out "ready or not here i come" he would respond by enthusiastically calling back "i'm under the bed!!" or wherever it is he happened to be .. so hilarious!!

i wore this extra comfy outfit on Christmas day going for festive and practical all at the same time. i just recently bought this crazy soft skirt at the hoop and throwing it on with my trusty chucks .. santa t .. and bright red sweater .. i was ready for whatever the day had to offer :)

then i spent yesterday getting things put away .. the house cleaned .. the laundry washed dried and put away .. and all of baby girl pack's things boxed up and ready to move to our new digs

t minus ten days until the big move

happy friday!!

idea from another

top: patterson j kincaid

jacket: mavi

pants: parker

shoes: jeffrey campbell

making .. cinnamon rolls .. and not just any cinnamon rolls .. pioneer woman cinnamon rolls .. they are heaven on earth and if i died eating them i would die happy .. just sayin

cooking .. nothing .. that is actually a part of living with my parents that has been a little bit sad .. i love to cook but having an hour commute puts me getting home too late to cook a good dinner .. so my mom cooks which isn't at all bad because she rocks at it but i am looking forward to winding down from a work day in my kitchen when we move back home

drinking .. water because i'm boring like that

reading .. betrayal in death by jd robb .. it is the twelfth in her in death series and they are mega goodness {and just to front out my own dorkiness .. i am actually listening to it because i would rather listen to a book that the radio when i'm driving}

wanting .. a baby .. COME ON APRIL!!

looking .. forward to Christmas and spending it with family

playing .. hay day ..obsessively .. and i'm not even sorry

wasting .. disposable gloves because i am a wimp about getting my hands dirty

sewing .. stockings because well it's that time of year

wishing .. it was april already

enjoying .. puppy snuggles from the bitty .. she really is the best at them

waiting .. for april {are you noticing a theme here??}

liking .. the deliciousness that is a cheddar and caramel mix of popcorn .. i mean seriously .. yum!!

wondering .. if our house will be ready on time .. if so we will move on jan.5 .. woohoo!

loving .. all of the Christmas lights and decorations

hoping .. for a happy ending to this crazy i word story

marveling .. at the fact that i have survived this year .. not sad to see it go {ha!}

needing .. hand lotion .. winter i love you but you wreak a serious dry skin havoc

smelling .. new leather from the handbags we just got in at the hoop

wearing .. a pjk owl tee .. an acid washed jean jacket .. silk parker pants .. and grey litas

following .. adoption stories by the truck load and loving every second of it .. realizing this community of people is the bomb

noticing .. that i barely ever wear my hair down anymore .. yet another reason for a change

knowing .. i am not in control and that i don't want to be

thinking .. constantly about B {our birth mom}

feeling .. too many things to express

bookmarking .. shoes .. go figure .. and knobs for cabinets too :)

opening .. the bag of popcorn .. again

giggling .. at my mom because she is a dang funny lady .. especially when she texts

i got this idea from the daybook blog and if you haven't read her blog you really should

matched .. again

top: rails

pants: j brand

boots: jeffrey campbell

this is the kind of shirt that i could wear everyday all day and still never get tired of it. it is soft and cozy and big and comfy and colorful and just all around awesome ..

anyway ..

friday night .. right before i was leaving the hoop .. i received a text from a case worker in florida that we have been chosen by a birth mom due with a baby girl in april!!

she saw our profile on monday and we had been impatiently waiting the rest of the week hoping to hear good news

i sent the case worker a text early in the day on friday letting her know that we were very excited and anxious to hear and were hoping for good news. she responded letting me know she didn't have a final answer quite yet but that she was pretty sure it was going to be great news and that she would call me as soon as she had a final decision

it was hard not to hold my breath for the rest of the day
my anxiety was up
the butterflies in my stomach were on overdrive

is this mom our birth mom??
is her baby going to be our baby too??

then .. at close to five i received a text saying

great news!

i am so happy to let you know that B picked your family!

she is so excited as i'm sure you are as well :)

 

the most beautiful words ever typed in a text!

 

i called RT immediately

and .. he didn't answer

so i called right back

and .. he still didn't answer

so i called a third time

and .. this time he answered

{i get annoyed when people do this to me because i'm like if i couldn't answer one second ago what makes you think i can answer now but that doesn't apply to me too does it?? ha!} 

 

i tried to act all nonchalant asking him what he was doing and blah blah blah before i blurted out

you are going to be a daddy in april!!

 

we are so excited!!

 

i will be honest .. it is hard to completely let down our guard and feel these emotions fully after everything we went through with M but we can't hold her against this birth mom or against ourselves for that matter

she happened and that sucks but i have to remember not to give her any power over me .. over my emotions .. or over our adoption process as a whole

we have learned from our experience but i refuse to be jaded because of it

 

happy happy happiest of mondays!!

perspective

a little happiness from the hoop today :)

top: sam+lavi

skirt: sam+lavi

vest: madison marcus

sometimes i find myself in desperate need of true perspective

all of this i word hooplah that we have been dealing with for the last year and a half has intensified that need ten fold
what i struggle with is that the longer we trudge through this the harder perspective is to focus on .. or really care about

it is easy to just get wrapped up by the darkness of the hurt and lose sight of all that is good

in the last year and a half my faith has been tried more that any other time in my life but the perspective i am focusing on today is that my GOD is in control

He knows our future

He knows the entire story

He knows our baby

something i have said to many people is that we feel the emptiness of our arms more and more everyday
that is true .. we so desperately want a little angel to snuggle and love and raise

i don't understand why this is our path
i don't know why we were intended to endure all that we have
but i do know that one day we will have a baby and that will make every bit of this worth it

every tear

every doubt

every tense moment

every heart break

when we get to hold our baby for the first time .. i will be infinitely grateful for every single thing that will have brought us to that moment .. that child .. good and bad

i receive a daily devotional from the girlfriends in GOD and today's message was about mary and what she had to have been feeling and thinking when she received the news that she would give birth to the Son of GOD. the prayer at the end was sent straight to my heart ..

heavenly FATHER, when i think about how mary must have felt, my heart swells. her willingness to be Your servant, her faith to believe the angel, and her trust that You would accomplish what You had planned stirs me to do the same. LORD, i am willing to do whatever You have for me to do. i have faith that nothing is impossible for You. i trust that You will always do what is best for me. may it be said of me, “blessed is she who has believed that what the LORD has said to her will be accomplished.”
in JESUS’ name .. amen

i beleive strongly that GOD put the desire to have children and to adopt on our hearts .. i just have to keep perspective that He is in control and what He has said will be accomplished

happy wednesday!!

something new

i need a change
i have had the same look for way too many years now and i just really need something new and fresh
so .. i am feeling very inspired by jennifer lawrence's recent hair cut and have been scouring pinterest for ideas and looks that i like
the three above are my favorites so far ..
what do you guys think .. major image change yay or nay??

happy tuesday!!

the end of an m story

top:mcginn

bottoms:citizens of humanity

shoes:jeffrey campbell

earrings:loren hope

or at least i hope it's the end ..

on monday RT called the agency that m was working with to talk to them about getting our money back. we are continuing on in our adoption journey and want to be ready to fully commit if we get picked by a birth mom

the people at this agency have been great and have continued to keep us updated on developing information that pertains to our story ..

on monday the guy at the agency received the proof from the clinic that m was going to that she was never pregnant .. NEVER PREGNANT!!

it boils my blood
makes me want to scream
makes me want to hate
infuriates me to no end

she was playing us the entire time .. making up this insanely elaborate and detailed lie for who knows what .. attention?!?
they received proof that the appointments that she was taken to by our case worker were for a variety of different things such as general pelvic pain and blah blah blah .. basically she made up reasons to make appointments because her adoption case worker intended to take her to her 'prenatal' appointments

it literally makese sick to my stomach that i ever had contact with such a twisted and devious person

at this point i can only hope that we never hear from her or about her ever again
i can only hope that in some way she is held accountable for her actions
i am so ready to stop being controlled emotionally but this poisonous human being
i don't want to think of her or the pain she has caused us anymore

so hopefully this is that last you will hear of her too :)

happy wednesday!!

a house update

i am not going to lie .. the house has gotten put on the back burner a little bit the last several weeks .. we have had so much other drama and have been thankful that the house has been moving along very smoothly!!

 

this morning i came into town early hoping to get into my barre class

i was no1 on the wait list so i thought for sure i would get in .. but i didn't ..

 

seeing as how i then had over an hour to kill i went by the house .. we have tile and grout y'all!! we are getting so close to being finished and being able to move in and i can not wait!! i think this week they are going to start sanding and staining the floors and after that they have to pour the driveway .. install iron work .. put up fans and chandelliers .. lay carpet .. and then that will be it

 

 

just a few weeks to go :)

laundry room

downstairs bath

master bath

upstairs bath floor

upsatirs bath shower walls

happy monday!!