black friday

this is what happens when my mom makes me laugh right when she takes the picture {ha!}

shirt: way old from a tom petty concert

jacket: bcbg maxazria

pants: citizens of humanity

shoes: steve madden

sunnies: prada

in honor of black friday i wore all black today
i also stripped all of the color from my pictures and opted for a tonal black and white option
i always really love when other people do it but i am such a color lover that when i switch my own photos to black and white it kinda makes me sad .. but it went with my theme today so i did it anyway

did you all have a wonderful thanksgiving??
i know i did!! tons of my family members congregated at my parents' house and we ate till we thought we would die and talked the day away .. good food and good people .. it really can't get better than that do you think??

and just in case you are in the area .. to kick of the holiday season we are offering 30% off everything in store {excluding jewelry} at the hoop this weekend only
come see us and stock up on some awesome wardrobe goodies :)

happy weekend!!

our real life lifetime movie

last tuesday i wrote this post telling you all about our sweet TP
let me start by telling everyone how much your love and support means to us
so many of you reached out to us with kind words of encouragement and sorrow and we appreciate every single bit of it!!

last tuesday the tragedy of our still born daughter was my truth
today i have no truth

let me start on tuesday night at 7:30pm ..

RT was at work and my parents host bible study at their house on tuesday nights so when i got home from work i went upstairs .. changed into my pjs .. made some dinner .. poured some wine .. and sat down to watch glee on dvr

pretty quickly my mom came and got me and asked me to come down to their house and i thought she was being weird but what awaited me downstairs was out of the realm of my thinking

as soon as i walked in the door their house phone rang .. it was RT and he wanted to talk to me .. normally he would just call my cell phone but he wanted me to be with my parents for support

he had been in contact on and off all day with the agency that M was working with
M had signed the necessary forms in order for the adoption agency to acquire information regarding the birth and death of our baby
they had gone to the hospital and were told that they had absolutely no record of M being there .. let alone giving birth to a still born baby
she continued to stand by her story and even go into more and more detail until friday when RT finally got her to tell us that she had been lying the entire time
according to her .. she started to have second thoughts about placing the baby for adoption but didnt want to dissappoint us so she made up the lie about the baby dying
according to her .. she is still pregnant

we don't know if that is true or not but we do know without a shadow of a doubt that the story she conjoured about our little girl dying was a lie

i can't even imagine what kind of person could do something like this ..

when you go through the process of adoption .. both the birth family and the adoptive family are made very aware that birth mothers have the right to change their minds and decide to parent at any point leading up to the time when they sign their relinquishment papers
it happens all the time
women often feel very different about their little ones when they see them and hold them
we knew that was a risk factor in this situation

in fact M and i had talked at length about how if she did change her mind .. RT and i both wanted her to know that while we would be heartbroken we would be extremely supportive of her and would love her and the baby no matter what

but instead of being honest with us .. she made up a lie that hurt us more than anything ever has
neither of us have ever felt the depth of pain and sorrow that consumed us when we were told that our daughter had died
M and i talked on the phone several times throughout the weekend immediately following her lie
she described to me in detail what the baby looked like .. lots of dark wavy hair .. dark complexion .. long full eyelashes .. five pounds .. eighteen inches long .. big feet and hands
she told me what it was like to hold her and bathe her and clothe her
she told me that she had saved the hospital blanket and hat that they had put on her so that she could send them to me
she asked if we would be a part of any funeral arrangements that she made
she and i cried together numerous times

and it was all a lie

 

i have been filled with an immense amount of anger and betrayal

i have been in shock that people like her actually exist

but i refuse to allow her to have any more control over me

 

RT and i beleive strongly that GOD wants us to adopt

we are confident that this is the path we are intended to be on

we have no idea why M was meant to be a part of our story but we do know that one day when we are holding our baby in our arms that every bit of this horrible i word journey will have lead up to that moment

 

so for now i continue to praise GOD for the many many blessings in my life rather than dwelling on the awful that has become a very real part of our current normal

 

and who knows .. maybe someday we will sell this crazy sick twisted story to the lifetime network and they will make a hit movie out of it ..

 

ha! kidding!!

 

happy tuesday!!

empty

i don't know how to say any of this so i am just going to state the facts ..

last week M had an appointment with her doctor on thursday morning at 10:30. i sent her a text just before to let her know i was thinking about her and was anxious to hear what the doctor had to say. when i still hadn't heard back at around noon i sent another text asking how things went. an hour later i was still waiting to hear from her and our case worker from the adoption agency called asking if we had talked to M

she was not contacting or responding to any of us

this made me extremely nervous and i began frantically calling and texting hoping to hear anything
at close to four i received a text from our case worker letting me know that she and M would be calling me shortly
she had finally gotten a hold of her

i knew something was wrong the second i answered the phone. i knew that M had been visiting her parents and she told me that the day before she had felt as normal as possible considering she was still having regular contractions. TP was still moving and everything seemed fine. at dinner time she noticed that her contractions had spread out a little but didn't think much of it. at around eleven she got in the shower and TP is usually really active when M is in the shower and she said she didn't feel her move even once. this scared her so she went straight to the hospital

they couldn't find her heart beat
the doctor induced labor and M delivered our precious angel still born at 1:15am thursday morning
she had been avoiding our calls and texts because she just couldn't figure out how to tell us

the sadness and devastation of this is completely consuming
one second we were on pins and needles awaiting the arrival of our daughter and the next we were paralyzed by the news of her death

the tears are incessant
the anvil on my chest is only getting heavier
sleep escapes me entirely

having been through two failed rounds of ivf i felt there was no way things could get worse but i know now that things can always get worse
more than i could have ever imagined

but i also know that they will get better at some point and i am anxiously awaiting that day

11tweleve13

this past weekend was a long one to say the least .. i will start at the beginning ..

thursday night as i was pulling into the driveway after work i got a call from our case worker at the adoption agency. she said that she was with M and that she was having very strong very severe contractions and that she thought it would be a good idea for us to go ahead and come because the baby would most likely be born really soon. i ran into the house and told RT and we got on the road. we stopped on the way to leave Layla with some friends {big thanks to the carruthers!!} and hauled booty to M. we called/texted all of our family and friends and spent the entire car ride jabbering in excitement about getting to meet our baby girl!! we had been waiting for this moment for so long and it was finally here

we got to M's apartment that night at about eleven and she was indeed having regular painful contractions. we were timing them at between ten and fifteen minutes apart and her doctor told her to wait to come to the hospital until they were regularly about six minutes apart. at two thirty am they were not coming any closer together so we left her place and went to crash at a friend's house

my girlfriend mazie was such a life saver this weekend!! she basically let us come and go from her house to crash for a couple of hours and shower then leave again all weekend long. it was so amazing to have a place to go!! good friends are the best in the world!! thank you mazie!!

friday we got up and took breakfast to M and stayed with her all day. contractions clocking in consistently at ten minutes apart. we left and had dinner with my parents and then went back to check on her after. we didn't stay too long that night because we were so tired from the night before

saturday we woke up and had breakfast with mazie and her boyfriend curtis and then got ready for the day. we picked M up and took her to lunch and afterward the three of us went on a long walk because her doctor had told her to get up and moving. we took her home and met up with my parents, siblings, aunt, uncle, and cousins for dinner. when we returned to M's apartment to check on her that night the contractions seemed to have gotten much worse .. this is it we thought .. i layed with her timing her contractions at ten minutes apart until four in the morning

sunday we got to mazie's at about eight am to nap for a while. we left there at around noon and had lunch with my parents .. by then my siblings had to head back home because they had to relieve the babysitters who were keeping their kids. I was so grateful to have the support of family this weekend. they were a much needed refuge from all of the emotions and drama that we were going through. we went to check on M and she was still doing the same but we couldn't stay long because her parents were coming to swap out some furniture for her

all weekend long we had really been encouraging her to go to the hospital to get checked out just so that we could know everything was ok but she was extremely reluctant. she finally agreed to go late sunday night. by then RT and my dad had come home so that RT could go to work monday but my mom and i were still in town waiting to hear from M

basically she is actually in labor .. these are not braxton hicks .. but she is just progressing very very slow. it is what is called prodromal labor. so she is just suffering through the contractions waiting for the progression to get to the point that they will admit her and she can have our daughter. she and the baby are doing fine other than the fact that she is in quite a bit of pain

the weekend was long and emotionally and physically exhausting but our baby will be here soon and being able to be there with M to show our support was a really good thing

any and all prayers for M and TP would be greatly appreciated!!

happy tuesday!!

fourhundred

this is my four hundredth blog post .. i sorta can't beleive that but nonetheless it is true .. it feels like i should post something profound but i'm not going to .. instead i am going to talk initials

you see now that RT and i are going to be blessed with a little girl we have talked through many different name choices and decided what we want to name her. from the very beginning i had two names picked out that i wanted to decide between and they both start with T

i would probably still be juggling the two names except that RT finally told me he really wanted to decide so that our baby had a name .. thus we chose together

i obviously totally love what we picked out but the problem is that our sweet baby girl's initals are going to be TP .. as in toilet paper .. i have been telling people not to put her initials on anything because TP just isn't that cute but i have decided to embrace it. if nothing else .. it is a little comedic releif {everyone enjoys a little bathroom humor now and then right?!?}

so from now on .. as far as this little blog of mine is concerned .. our baby is TP just like her dad is RT :)

happy tuesday!!