finding content

top: trina turk
skirt: i honestly have no earthly idea
shoes: sam edelman

this past sunday we started a “finding the one” series at church. while this doesn’t directly pertain to me .. obviously i have already found the one {ha!} .. the message on sunday spoke loud and clear. chris delivered a message about finding complete contentment in Christ. he explained that if your contentment relies on Christ + anything else then you will never attain true peace

he might as well have been talking directly to me. with all of the i word issues we have been dealing with .. i have to be honest and confess that i am not content. i have been pleading with God .. if you will just bless us with the baby we want so desperately then i will be fulfilled .. i will need nothing else. while i truly believe that the Lord has given us the desire that we have to raise children and i know one day we will have kids .. i have not been content solely in Christ. i have to learn to be. i have to put in the time and work to be completely fine with whatever season God has me in

Hebrews 2:1 says .. for this reason we must pay much closer attention to what we have heard, lest we drift away from it 

i keep thinking that i wish we weren’t going through this and i do so terribly wish that we weren’t  but while the i word has been close to impossible to endure .. there have also been some positive consequences. RT and i have learned to fully rely on each other. we are the only ones who truly understand our situation. sure plenty of others have gone through the i word and some have much worse stories than we do but every experience is different. nobody knows exactly how we feel except for us. we have gone through times where we have been closer than ever and times where we feel quite distant but regardless .. we are in this together. i find so much comfort in my incredible partner. we have also been forced to really look at our relationship with God. we have had to realize that we have to either fully trust or turn away. thankfully we both have strong faith that our Lord has a perfect plan and for some reason this is part of it. so even though it seems much easier to coast through life .. weathering the storm forces us to be fully aware and to make decisions strategically instead of just letting things happen how they happen. if nothing else .. this has kept us on our toes

so .. as i am sure you can tell .. i am not pregnant .. AGAIN. to know that we transferred two completely rock star genetically correct embryos and i am still not pregnant is {to say the least} devastating. my doctor said that there is no rhyme or reason. they have done every blood test and run ever internal scan and my body is completely fine. for some reason .. i am simply rejecting our babies

we are heart broken

we still have one little girl embryo frozen that we will transfer one day but i am not in a place where i can emotionally handle that right now. i feel like we will be sending her to her death and i can’t bare the thought of that. i told RT .. we have to wait until i can be positive and excited about it. now is just not that time

one day sweet little girl .. we will come for you

so for now .. we are going to take the adoption route and for the first time in a while .. we are both really excited

this feels right

happy wednesday!!