so far so good

on sunday morning at 6:30am RT and i got in the car to go to our retrieval for i word cycle #2

i was beyond nervous

beyond terrified

to be right back where we were not so long ago

willingly subjecting ourselves to the potential heartbreak like before

the pain that still stings as if new

felling a severe sense of heading for doom

driving off a cliff that we know is there

and yet we went .. full speed ahead

the actual retrieval went great
we were out of there before 10am and had time to take a nap at home to sleep off some of the anesthesia before father's day lunch with my family
sunday was the perfect day for retrieval because we had nothing to do but relax

in cycle #1 .. we got nine eggs at retrieval .. on day 1 we learned that seven had fertilized .. on day 3 four were still growing strong .. on day 5 we were down to two and they were still developing fairly slow so we were encouraged to freeze our embryos and postpone transfer for 6 weeks .. that was the best option both for my body and our babies

in cycle #2 .. we got sixteen eggs at retrieval .. on day 1 we learned that thirteen had fertilized .. on day 2 nine were still growing strong and the other four were still growing just not as fast .. today is day 3 and i am anxiously waiting an update .. day 5 is friday and the doctors are going to biopsy the embryos that are doing the best and send off one cell from each to be tested for chromosomal normalcy .. pending we have at least one embryo that is genetically correct we are scheduled to transfer saturday morning at 8am

subconsciously i am guarding my feelings

trying to suppress the excitement

but how do i keep from being excited?!

despite myself i can feel the hope creeping in

the walls i have been constructing around my heart are starting to crumble

i know that some day some how RT and i will have children

i don't know if this is how we will get them

but for now .. i have to admit .. there are twinges of hope

happy wednesday!!