this i word business is for the birds

two weeks ago today RT and i took this picture ..

on that tuesday .. i left work at 12:30 and went straight to the i word doctor's office

to say that i was excited is an understatement
i was beyond excited
even though i tried not to be
i tried to feel neutral and not get my hopes up but i couldn't help myself

we were transferring one of our babies that day

RT left work for a couple hours as well. and my parents came to give moral support and to pray for us while we were in the back getting our baby

we sat in the waiting room talking for a while before our nurse called us back

we were directed to a room where we were instructed to change .. me into a gown with footies a head cover and a mask .. RT with a sterile zip.up suit over his clothes with fotties a head cover and a mask. once we were changed our sweet nurse came back in. she joined in our excitement as she gave us our discharge instructions and let us know that the doctor would be in soon with the embryologist so that they could show us pictures of our little embryos and talk with us about whether we should transfer one or two of them

at the time .. as far as we knew .. we still had four good looking embryos

the nurse left us to go and look up which lab was closest to crested butte where we could go for our pregnancy test. we would get to find out if the transfer worked or not on the last full day of our family vacation

a couple minutes after she left the room .. our doctor came in. he did have pictures of our embryos but with them he brought bad news

today is not the day he said

RT started literally ripping off his hospital garb and i immediately started sobbing. throughout this whole process i have tried so hard to be strong in front of everyone else but i just couldn't hold it in

more heart break

our doctor explained that the lining of my uterus was progressing at a faster rate than our embryos. he assured us that the two embryos that were left {yes we were now down to two} were doing just fine but that the transfer was not a good idea when my body and my babies were not on the same level
he went on to tell us that they were going to let the embryos continue to grow for one more day until they were at the full blastocyst stage and then they would freeze them. they would let me have a period and then put me on birth control for a little while before i started injections and pills to get ready for transfer .. again. he told us that my body would be a more conducive host to the embryos coming off of a natural cycle instead of coming off of all of the stimulants. this all makes perfect sense in my brain but at the time i could barely even hear him

i just buried my head into my husband's body and sobbed as he held me and tried to comfort me

as soon as our doctor left i got up .. changed back into my clothes and we went out to give my parents the bad news

then everyone went back to work

nothing to go home and rest about

might as well go back to work

i don't even really know how to explain how i felt that day .. or for the days that followed. i have never been this low in my life. never felt this level of pure pain

i have been lucky
i have never known true heart break
not until now
and now it's like that has been the leading emotion in my life since october

i start shots in the morning for i word cycle#2 and our next tentative transfer date in april 13th

i am again working hard to not feel

to stay numb

i am terrified that more bad news is to come

i don't feel like i will survive it if it does