the story of a top knot

my niece janey is so much like me :)

she is as girly girl as is humanly possible and has loved fashion since birth

the funny thing about that is she was born to my sister and not me. audrey likes clothes and loves to look cute but she will hardly even shop without me because she doesn't know what looks good together and all of that. basically .. if i tell her it is cute then she buys it

along the same lines .. my sister has super long teeny tiny ringlet curls .. she doesn't really have to do her hair in the same sense that the rest of us do

janey has her daddy's hair .. it is long and thick and straight straight straight. and she is super partcular about it so she really doesn't let audge do much with it at all

down

braids

pony tail

that is all

but a lot of times if i get super excited about it i can convince her to let me blow dry it or curl is or fix it how i want. so last night we were going to the peter pan play .. i took her back to her room and we chose just the right shoes and cardigan {although she vetoed the shoes i wanted her to wear ha!} to go with her tinkerbell dress and that is when it hit me .. she needs a top knot!! that would be so cute right?!? 

so i turned on the charm :) i said oh my gosh janey will you let me do your hair in a top knot please?!? it will look so cute!! annnddd it will be perfect for your tinkerbell costume!!

she agreed and it was absolutely adorable! she even said she wants to start wearing it like that to school. i told her i wear my hair like that all the time and {at least for now} she thinks i am pretty cool so that convinced her all the more. she did end up taking it out about halfway through the play but still i count is as an aunt nancy victory for sure {ha!}

precious little angel baby girl!!

happy easter weekend!!

top: bella lux

jacket: joie

skirt: see you monday

shoes: charles david

scarf: thrifted

sunglasses: ralph 

an outfit {finally!!} and some response

ok let's talk about the outfit first ..

RT has been in training so he hasn't been home during a time when i could take outfit pics for the last two weeks .. i don't have anyone else to take them which means that my only option is to use a tripod and the timer on my camera. the problem is that i am basically horrible at this technique and all of these pictures ended up being really far away. so i had to crop them and the the clarity isn't so great. but this is first and foremost a fashion blog and i was dying to finally post another outfit

this dress is actually my mom's .. she let me borrow it back when i was having to wear dresses everyday and it is super cute so i thought i would get at least one more wear before i return it to her

it has randomly gotten cold here again .. of course because i already switched out all of my winter clothes for my summer clothes in my closet {ha!} but it is giving me a good excuse to continue wearing my clothes that .. very very soon will be put away in the darkness under my bed forever and ever .. because that is how long it stays hot here in the wonderful TX :)

dress: madison marcus

tights: free people

shoes: dolce vita

moving on ..
there has been .. as i knew there would be .. a lot of response from family and friends about my post on monday
as a blogger .. it is hard to decide what to put out there for all the world to see and what to keep to myself. i have no rhyme or reason to what i choose to share. monday i needed to vent .. to get my true feelings out in the open. to allow myself to accept my frustration

my dad called yesterday morning to talk about what i wrote

i figured it wouldn't go unnoticed

he wanted to talk about the spiritual warfare that is going on inside me
and the thing is that i recognize it .. i know that satan is taking advantage of my vulnerability and trying to turn me away from my LORD. that is the last thing i want but so far i am having trouble putting satan behind me and keeping my eyes on the cross

my mom sent me an email yesterday afternoon that was pretty insightful ..
the title was come to the end of yourself .. it was written by rick warren

there were several points in the email that really resonated with me ..

"life is a struggle .. but what most people don't realize is that our struggle is with GOD! we want to be GOD .. and there is no way we are going to win that struggle. but we try anyway"

"we accept our humanity intellectually but not emotionally. we give mental assent to the idea. but when faced with our own limitations we react with irritation anger and resentment"

as i am sitting here thinking about it .. i do not want to be in control of my life. i will mess everything up for sure. but on the other hand .. i do want a baby .. i want a baby yesterday and i don't want to have to go through all of the i word hooplah to get one .. or two :)

i do not want to win my internal struggle .. i want to give it all up to HIM .. but i am trying anyway. trying to battle with GOD .. just writing those words makes me feel like the biggest idiot .. who battles with GOD and expects to win?!? dummies that's who {ha!}

i am faced with my human limitations

with having to wait on HIM

and i am reacting with irritation and anger and resentment

but i don't want to be 

i am trying hard to battle the evil that is tugging on my heart

but .. at least for now .. it is an ongoing battle

anyway .. i will quit with all of the deep emotional mumbo jumbo {ha!} it's just that my life seems to be a little bit deep and emotional right now but i think i am freaking people out so i promise to lighten the mood around here from now on :)

happy wednesday!!

the issue of trust

i am going to be honest with you guys .. i am kinda struggling

ever since our i word transfer day that ended up being just a day of major heart break .. i can't seem to get a good attitude going. it's not that i can't see the good things. i know that there are lots of people who do round after round of ivf and they never get even one viable embryo. we have two and they aren't just viable .. the embryologist said they look great

i am so so thankful for those two tiny frozen babies of ours
but i am scared to have hope for them

and really my biggest issue here is with GOD

i know i am not supposed to say that

but it is true and i don't want to be fake and dishonest

let me explain ..

this is something that i have been openly struggling with to those i am close to and i can tell it really bothers my mom. so last week she kinda challenged me. she said something along the lines of ..

we are called to have faith at all times

to give everything up to HIM

the good and the bad

it is way easier to give up the good things but we are called as christians to give everything up to GOD not just the easy things

i have really been thinking about that and what i have realized is that the issue i am having is one of trust

i am .. as a christian .. supposed to trust in HIS plan. and i can't tell you how many times in the last several months i have heard those exact words from people .. it will be ok. it's all on GOD's timing .. honestly that makes me want to scream. i feel like it is so easy for people to say that because they have no idea what we are going through. but i have honestly tried and tried to do just that. to give this up to HIM and trust that HE has our best interest at heart. to trust in HIS plan and HIS timing. but every single time we have been let down

every single time!! 

and i can't bring myself to trust anymore

i was thinking about it yesterday and i tried to put it into a realm that is easier for me to grasp. so i thought about my earthly dad. i trust my dad 100%. he is the best dad on earth. if i were told that he was in control of our fertility and that i needed to trust in him and his timing i would do it in a heart beat. i know he would have our best interest at heart. he is my daddy

this is my sweet daddy .. the absolute best a girl could ever have :)

so i would be talking to him about it all the time. pouring my heart and hurt and hope out to him and i know he would listen and feel my emotions too. so then i thought .. what if i talked and trusted and begged and hoped and pleaded in my dad and over and over he broke my heart? he let me down.

how long would it take before i quit trusting him?

how many times would i endure the heart break before i refused to trust anymore?

but the thing is that i can't even begin to answer that. i can't even begin to fathom how many times because my dad would never do this to us! never! my dad would see our tears and heart break and do everything in his power to give us the baby we so desperately want. he would never ever make us endure this pain. not even once if he could help it

and GOD can help it

HE just doesn't

so .. i'm struggling

t.ball is my favorite

 tuesday night my nephew deuce had his very first t.ball game and it was the best thing ever! he was so excited and had the best time. he has another game tonight and you better beleive i will be there with my pom poms :)

every single time his team was up to bat he was in the line up. i swear i think his coach went into the dug out to see who was ready to hit and there was deuce .. helmet and gloves on bat in hand ready to go .. and so they let him {ha!}. he hit pretty well too .. it's remembering to run to first that can be a little tricky 

this was after the game .. when his papa tommy asked him if he had fun he gave a very enthusiastic jumping first pump into the air while yelling oh yea baby!! that kid .. he is the best!!

meanwhile his sister played in the sand ..

.. and his brothers ate their weight in snack food :)

happy weekend!!

sunday naps .. they get you thinking

this grainy horrible quality photo is a perfect example of what my husband and his layla girl look like on a typical sunday afternoon {except that usually she is curled up on the right side of his chest next to his face}. on sundays .. we go to church .. go to the grocery store .. go out to lunch .. and then spend the rest of the afternoon doing absolutely nothing until it is time for me to make dinner. RT loves to turn on some golf and take a little snooze and the bitty eats that right up. as soon as he lays down she jumps up and falls right to sleep. i usually go into our bedroom and watch some movie on our dvr {i cant watch live tv because we have to record the golf and usually nascar or something else too and you cant watch tv when you are taping two things ha!}. i love this time at our house. it is a time when our family can just be. nothing to do. no schedule to keep. just hang out and do whatever our hearts desire

some really good friends of ours got married about a week ago and another couples that we are besties with is engaged and planning a wedding for this fall. i am over!the!moon! excited for my friends!! and honestly it's the sunday afternoons that i know they will love the best too. that time when it is just you and your family. together. doing nothing

do other people feel this way too?!? when i really think about it i am so thankful that RT and i not only love each other but we really like each other too. we love to hang out and spend time together. whether we are doing nothing at home or dancing the night away at a friend's wedding. it is all time spent together which is the best time of all

love that man :)

happy monday!!

the sun is shinin' y'all

currently i am standing at the computer inside the hoop longingly gazing out at the beautiful sun that is warming the world outside of here
the high in my lovely city is in the eighties today and the sun is shining and it looks like the most perfect spring day in existence

i am inside at work

major boo! if you ask me

a flowy skirt and short sleeves were a must on a day like this. even though winter weather and clothes are my favorite .. by the time spring comes along i am so ready to wear all of the bright colors and patterns. there is just something so happy about the sunshine don't you think?!

to celebrate in true american form .. RT and i are going to a baseball game this evening with friends .. a perfect way to start a perfect weekend :)

happy weekend!!

top: patterson j kincaid

skirt: nasty gal

shoes: jeffrey campbell

this i word business is for the birds

two weeks ago today RT and i took this picture ..

on that tuesday .. i left work at 12:30 and went straight to the i word doctor's office

to say that i was excited is an understatement
i was beyond excited
even though i tried not to be
i tried to feel neutral and not get my hopes up but i couldn't help myself

we were transferring one of our babies that day

RT left work for a couple hours as well. and my parents came to give moral support and to pray for us while we were in the back getting our baby

we sat in the waiting room talking for a while before our nurse called us back

we were directed to a room where we were instructed to change .. me into a gown with footies a head cover and a mask .. RT with a sterile zip.up suit over his clothes with fotties a head cover and a mask. once we were changed our sweet nurse came back in. she joined in our excitement as she gave us our discharge instructions and let us know that the doctor would be in soon with the embryologist so that they could show us pictures of our little embryos and talk with us about whether we should transfer one or two of them

at the time .. as far as we knew .. we still had four good looking embryos

the nurse left us to go and look up which lab was closest to crested butte where we could go for our pregnancy test. we would get to find out if the transfer worked or not on the last full day of our family vacation

a couple minutes after she left the room .. our doctor came in. he did have pictures of our embryos but with them he brought bad news

today is not the day he said

RT started literally ripping off his hospital garb and i immediately started sobbing. throughout this whole process i have tried so hard to be strong in front of everyone else but i just couldn't hold it in

more heart break

our doctor explained that the lining of my uterus was progressing at a faster rate than our embryos. he assured us that the two embryos that were left {yes we were now down to two} were doing just fine but that the transfer was not a good idea when my body and my babies were not on the same level
he went on to tell us that they were going to let the embryos continue to grow for one more day until they were at the full blastocyst stage and then they would freeze them. they would let me have a period and then put me on birth control for a little while before i started injections and pills to get ready for transfer .. again. he told us that my body would be a more conducive host to the embryos coming off of a natural cycle instead of coming off of all of the stimulants. this all makes perfect sense in my brain but at the time i could barely even hear him

i just buried my head into my husband's body and sobbed as he held me and tried to comfort me

as soon as our doctor left i got up .. changed back into my clothes and we went out to give my parents the bad news

then everyone went back to work

nothing to go home and rest about

might as well go back to work

i don't even really know how to explain how i felt that day .. or for the days that followed. i have never been this low in my life. never felt this level of pure pain

i have been lucky
i have never known true heart break
not until now
and now it's like that has been the leading emotion in my life since october

i start shots in the morning for i word cycle#2 and our next tentative transfer date in april 13th

i am again working hard to not feel

to stay numb

i am terrified that more bad news is to come

i don't feel like i will survive it if it does

sledding in paradise

 RT and i spent the first week in march in crested butte colorado with my entire family. we do this every year and it is one of my very favorite weeks of the year. we all stay in one house and we ski and hang out and eat good food and visit with old friends and just genuinely enjoy each other and the most fabulous little town in all of colorado

on the last morning .. before we left to come back home .. we took the kiddos sledding. this year even the youngest ones got to join in on the fun :)

they took turns sledding together

and on their own

they even let the adults ride some too

they would sled down .. crash .. laugh their little heads off .. then get up and run the sleds back up the hill to do it all over again

these are memories i will cherish forever

these nieces and nephews of ours are getting big way too fast and i am so thankful to have this time to spend with them and get to know them while they grow up

even RT and i took a ride {ha!} 

clearly these sleds were not made for multiple adults .. you can barely see that hot pink sled we are so big for it :)

happy monday!!