tomorrow xoxo

let me just start with a giant HURRAY!! for the fact that this is actually an outfit post. it is .. of course .. still a dress and a sweater but there is more than one picture of me wearing a pretty cute outfit if i do say so myself. big pat on the back right here for that one. this is afterall supposed to be a fashion blog {ha!}

moving on .. as of yesterday's phone call from our doctor .. we have four embryos that look really good .. those were his exact words!! i am beside myself so so very excited!! we have an additional two that are still alive but not looking as good as the others

it is crazy to me how connected to those embryos i feel. i know that sounds weird. i mean it's not like they have ever been inside me or anything but it's just that .. those embryos are our kids. no matter if they are currently growing inside my uterus or in a pietrie dish in some lab .. they are still our awesome little angel baby embryos! seriously the most awesome feeling

so tranfer will be sometime tomorrow afternoon and then 9 days later i will go into a lab for a pregnancy test. the only thing that we haven't decided is if we are going to transfer one embryo or two. with one embryo we have a 65% chance of getting pregnant .. with two embryos we have an 80% chance but then our chances of having twins are 50/50. this is a VERY hard decision .. we are going with the wait until the very last second plan on that one {ha!}

please pray for us tomorrow you guys. pray for the transfer to go perfect and for the doctors to pick the very best embryo(s). pray that we are blessed with a healthy pregnancy and a healthy baby on our very first try :)

feeling terrified and excited and anxious and hopefully all at the same time {ha!}

happy monday!!

dress: love sam

sweater: a.r.o

clogs: vince camuto

we officially have embryos

well hey there everyone!! sorry it has been a few days since I have updated but this has been a very busy week

my retrieval was yesterday and everything went great! i went in at eleven in the morning and had they rest of the day to sleep and recuperate. I am back to work today and we have been super busy which is great except that being constantly on my feet is causing lots of pressure and cramping in my abdomen :(

to retrieve the eggs they put me under anesthesia and surgically remove them. that is why i am in a little bit of pain. it isn't too bad though .. just feels like a constant menstrual cramp at its worst. nothing I can't handle

our nurse called today with an update and so far our little embryo babies are doing great!! they will keep watching them and updating us and then we go in for transfer on tuesday. i feel like we have been waiting forever and now things are moving crazy fast. we will know in two weeks if i am pregnant or not .. eek! so so excited!!

happy weekend!!

radio silence

a glimpse into what i do when i am bored {ha!}

a while back i wrote this post about how hard it is for me to pray during times of need. it took me a little bit but throughout these months i have gotten over that. i have learned to pray and to have faith. even without asking for anything .. to just talk to GOD about everything that is coursing through me. i have been able to lean hard on the strength of my LORD

until now

now i am back to radio silence in my head .. in my heart

back to a place where i have no words

or i don't know what to say

or i am afraid to feel

we are reaching the end of i word cycle one
according to my doctor .. tomorrow will most likely be my last day of these stimulant shots. retrieval is on track for this thursday .. transfer being next tuesday

8 days from today
          192 hours from today
                    11,520 minutes from today
                              i could have an embryo inside me

a tiny little group of cells that will .. if we are lucky .. become our very first baby

we are so close

i am terrified!!

i am not scared of those cells becoming our baby
i am scared that they won't
i am afraid to have hope
i am afraid to get excited

what if it doesn't work??

we want this maybe baby so so very bad!!

so instead i am existing in radio silence. finding comfort in it even. because just the thought of feeling is too much to bear

back to the doctor tomorrow .. and every other day this week for that matter

i'll keep you guys posted

thanks for reading :)

another baggy dress

are you guys tired of seeing me in dresses EVERY SINGLE POST?!?
well .. too bad .. it's my uniform now. get used to it :)
the good news is that my mom and sister have taken pity on me and are letting me borrow some of their stuff so that i still have a little variety in my life. this particular ensemble is a.la.audge. thanks sister!

back to the doctor this morning and everything seems to be on track at this point. today is day five so after my shot and pills tonight i will be officially half way through the shots phase .. woohoo!! then on to retrieval .. fertilisation .. and transfer. we are slowing inching toward our maybe baby

RT and i have been getting dumped on with bad news after bad news since about october. i have been saying a lot this week that at some point the good news is going to start coming again. so far not so much but i am holding onto hope :)

we are headed to OK this weekend to pay a visit to RT's family. his dad is sick and we want to be with him to show our love and support. as we have been going through this i word process we have really felt the love and support of the people around us and it has made me realize just how important it is to be there for people in their times of need

so to those of you who have reached out to us .. loved us .. prayed for us .. THANK YOU!! you all will honestly never know how much strength and comfort you give

happy weekend!!

dress: mcginn

boots: MINE!!

and on and on we go

a REALLY long time ago .. we looked like this :)

for me {and also i think us} this is like no other emotional roller coaster you could ever find yourself on. one minute you are sad and devastated and the next your feel pretty positive and at peace. and then before you know it the heart break strikes again. followed by complete faith and hope. it is seriously intense

RT sent me a text the other day that said .. this process sucks. i'm literally hating it! and i totally get where he is coming from. some days are just like that right now

i am terrified of needles to the point of hysteria and yet here i am having my husband give me three shots a day!! not to mention the blood work every few days at the doctor's office

needles have become my world
my life line
my only chance at biological children with my husband
my only chance

it makes me cry just letting that fact seep in .. this is our only chance

and then comes fear .. what if we go through all of this and it doesn't work. what if we get to the end of all of these shots. of all of these emotions. of all of this faith and prayer and hope and we don't get a baby. the thought of that heart break paralyzes me

we can try again. and if we don't get a baby this time we will try again but no matter what .. ivf is our one and only

physically i am fine .. my stomach is swollen and a tiny bit sore but at this point the only bruising is on the inside of my elbows where they draw the blood and i am not having any serious pain. still having pretty intense hot flashes and a couple head aches here and there. some minor mind loss issues {ha!} and am feeling pretty tired but overall the physical aspect of this has been fairly breezy so far {i'll keep you posted} but the emotional part is a major load to bear

so today i am praying for success. i am praying that the LORD blesses us with a healthy pregnancy and a healthy baby on our very first try. i am praying for our team of doctors and nurses. i am praising GOD for their experience and expertise and praying for the peace and comfort that they are and will continue to do the very best that they can for RT and i
i am on my knees before my GOD with the comfort that because of HIM i will never find myself in a situation that i cannot endure

we can and we will get through this
one way or another
we will find the other side

new favorites

RT had the idea to take pictures at night and minus the fact that my eyes look a teensy creepy in a couple of the shots .. i really like them. the lighting offsets my outfit in a way that makes it stand out really well. good suggestion babe!

these wedged sneaks are my absolute new favorite shoes!! they are so comfortable and seem to go with everything. i have been wearing them non.stop since i got them

this dress is new too and i am almost as obsessed with it as i am the shoes {ha!}. i love the colors and the abstract pattern. it is flowy and comfy but still has some shape which we all know i am struggling to find :)

love!

love! 

love!

 

happy monday!!

dress: nasty gal

shoes:urban outfitters

droopy dog and loving it

i wore this outfit on wednesday and it was perfect! like i have said before .. i am having trouble with bottoms right now because the waist bands are uncomfortable on my stomach. this skirt might be a little droopy in the front but it is loose and wonderful. no discomfort whatsoever sends this one to the tippity top of my clothes that i love list

not that i actually have one of those 

but maybe i'll make one

or maybe not

anyway that doesn't actually matter. what matters is that today i have on skinny jeans and if i sit down the waist line makes me crazy and so i have literally been standing since about 9:45 this morning. thankfully i wore flats today but i gotta tell ya .. my feet are getting tired

i have never in my life experienced a wardrobe issue such as this. i mean there have been an embarrassing number of times that i have stood in the doorway of my overstuffed closet and complained that i have nothing to wear. but in those instances what i should have said was i really want a new outfit because i have always had plenty to wear

until now

now i have about 4ish options and besides this skirt .. they are all shapeless dresses

i'm just bringing back the frump

no big deal

happy weekend!!

top: parker

skirt: rich and skinny

socks: modcloth

shoes: target

grapefruits

**disclaimer .. i am going to try real hard not to gross you out but if you don't respond well to words referring to organs you probably should pass on this post**

thought it only appropriate to warn you but i am disturbed and i have to vent about it {ha!}.

so .. yesterday marked exactly two weeks of shots and all of this i word business. to celebrate the occassion i had an appointment with our doctor. i am not big on doctors. it's not personal it's just the whole office visit get all up in your personal space oh and by the way how's the weather out there stuff that just doesn't seem to sit well with me

anyway .. i went to the doctor for blodwork {woohoo! more needles!} and a sonogram. i have to go ALL THE TIME because they have to monitor me .. as whole .. very closely. and after everything was said and done RT and i took the time to ask any questions that came to mind

one of the things the nurse told me at the beginning of all of this was that i should wear a heart.rate monitor while doing any kind of exercise and to be sure my heart.rate doesn't get over 140. i explained to the doctor that the work out that i do is super hard but isn't high intensity and i wanted to be sure it was ok

let me just tell you what she told me ..

she started by saying i most likely wouldn't be wanting to exercise .. already we are headed in a direction i don't particularly love. she went on to explain that right now .. my ovaries are naturally the size of apricots but as i continue to stimulate them they will grow to the size of grapefruits!!! GRAPEFRUITS people!! i would just like for you to think about the last grapefruit you saw and imagine putting two of those in your body. she said that the change in size would most likely feel uncomfortable .. well DUH!!

now i know that i am doing all of this in the hope that i will have a healthy perfect little baby growing in there at the end. and i know that .. if we get that lucky .. the baby will eventually be much bigger than a grapefruit inside my stomach but you see .. that will be a baby. our baby. that i will get to have and hold and love and raise and cuddle and coo and well you get the picture. these ovary monsters are just gonna get big and bothersome and there will be no cooing at them in the end

i'm just sayin'. i'm a tiny freaked at this visual. maybe giving you the same visual will make me feel better {ha!}

happy thursday!!

 

dress: vintage

shoes: nine west

sunglasses: ralph

a weekend to remember

this past weekend a big group of us ventured to the awesome atx and celebrated my friend katie's bachelorette weekend. it was SO MUCH FUN!! we were talking about it on the way home and i honestly think that was one of the most fun weekends my girlfriends and i have ever spent together!! loved it!!

a few of us drove there early friday and checked into the house. we spent the early afternoon running errands and decorating before the rest of the group got there. we stayed in friday night and did a little lingerie shower and just hung out. then saturday we slept in and made a big brunch before we got ready and went walking around down on south congress which is quite possibly the cutest area of austin .. if you go visit you should check it out. we went to bess bistro for dinner that night {YUM!!!} and then got on a party bus for a few hours before we went out on sixth street. sunday morning we got up and lazed around for a little bit .. cleaned up .. and checked out

i am yet again reminded why i am friends with these girls. every time we get together we have so much fun and it was .. in my opinion .. the best way we could have celebrated with katie. love those girls!!

now i'm ready for the wedding in a few weeks!! woohoo!!

happy tuesday!!